autonomic dysfunction

⚠️ This blog shares my personal, sometimes painful experiences with MS and mental health. My intention is to speak honestly and offer solidarity not to harm or replace professional advice. I’m not a doctor or therapist, just someone who gets how hard it can get. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Please reach out to a trusted friend, support group, or professional. You deserve help and hope.⚠️

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. some AI help with written content

Seven Days of Weirdness, Two Neurologists and a Scooter of Death

Good afternoon, fellow humanoids... and any NHI who happen to be lurking in the background.

I trust everyone has survived another trip around the Sun.

My week?

Imagine a frog in a blender running on Mark IV speed.

That's pretty much where my brain has been for the last seven days.

Everything has been spinning. My head hasn't caught up with my body, my arms and legs have been buzzing like faulty electrical wiring, and that horrible neurological static has been humming away in the background. If you know the feeling... then you know.

Welcome to another perfectly ordinary week with progressive MS.

Last Sunday I had my appointment with my brand-new consultant neurologist at the new hospital.

The outcome?

Another MRI.

This time with contrast.

That should be... interesting.

Meanwhile my original neurologist has also been back in touch, and, as I suspected, he has pretty much confirmed what I already believed.

So now I somehow have two neurologists at two different hospitals looking at the same increasingly broken human being.

It's becoming less like healthcare and more like an episode of the twilight zone written by funky wordbender.

Let's just hope the two of them compare notes before I become the neurological equivalent of Wimbledon.

One neurologist has already said I have severe autonomic dysfunction.

He also believes I'm suffering from paroxysmal symptoms.

Those words actually explain quite a lot.

Now the trick is finding something that helps without making everything else considerably worse.

Speaking of which...

four-wheeled Scooter of Death

My brand-new four-wheeled Scooter of Death finally arrived.

It looks brilliant.

Unfortunately it can't legally venture onto the road until the DVLA paperwork comes back.

So there it sits.

Brand new.

Charged.

Ready.

Mocking me.

Once I'm finally allowed out, I'll have roughly a thirty-mile range, proper brakes, decent hill climbing and, hopefully, fewer moments where gravity tries to remind me who's boss.

Considering the eye-watering APR attached to the finance agreement, I'd quite like it to make tea as well.

Medication is another battlefield.

I've been taking magnesium at night because it seems to help my spasms and sleep.

Personally, it works well enough that I'm sticking with it.

Years ago I was prescribed Baclofen.

Never again.

It absolutely wrecked my stomach and bowel health.

Constipation.

Digestive problems.

The whole miserable package.

I explained all of this to the neurologist.

He listened...

...or at least his ears were pointing in my direction.

His eyes, however, had already glazed over somewhere around the second sentence.

You know that look.

The one that says,

"Yes... yes... now stop bringing lived experience into my textbook."

To be fair, I wouldn't call it outright gaslighting.

But there was definitely a faint aroma drifting in from the North Sea.

One thing I've learned over the years is this:

Gut health matters. Bowel health matters.

Gut health matters. Bowel health matters. A lot.

There's little point taking medication that eases one symptom while turning your digestive system into reinforced concrete.

These days I eat prunes regularly.

They're hardly glamorous.

No one's ever looked heroic while eating a bowl of prunes.

But they help me.

Hydration.

Fibre.

Regularity.

The glamorous life of chronic illness.

As always, this is simply what works for me.

Please don't copy anything blindly.

Research.

Talk to qualified professionals.

Make informed decisions.

Everyone's body is different.

All I know is this...

I'd rather eat prunes than spend four days negotiating with my own backside.

As if all that wasn't enough...

My computer decided this week was also an excellent time to throw a mechanical tantrum.

So...

New computer arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

a new computer with windows 11 now Linux.

Specifically Zorin Pro.

Overall?

Absolutely brilliant.

Cleaner.

Faster.

Less bloated than Windows.

I'm genuinely impressed.

That said...

My keyboard occasionally develops the personality of an angry badger and the mouse seems convinced it's an abstract artist.

So there are still a few teething problems.

The old mini PC isn't going to the recycling center though.

That'll become the Windows 10 machine.

Every household needs one sacrificial computer for doing all the stupid jobs you'd rather not risk your main machine with.

So that's been my week.

Seven solid days of neurological weirdness.

Hospital appointments.

MRIs.

Medical politics.

New hardware.

New software.

And enough bureaucracy to power the British Empire for another century.

Still...

We keep rolling.

Sometimes literally.

Sometimes only just.

Wherever you are, whatever you're facing...

I genuinely wish you peace, healing, love and light.

The forecast says next Friday could reach thirty degrees here in the UK.

Please drink plenty of water.

Look after yourselves.

Hydrate.

And don't underestimate your gut.

It spends every day looking after you.

The least we can do is return the favor.

Until next time...

Stay sarcastic.

Stay stubborn.

And remember—

If life insists on throwing you into the blender...

At least make sure someone forgets to put the lid on.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Well, a very good afternoon to everybody.sorry but I am a bit down atm Yes, I have been to see the Neurologist, a three-hour round trip which was, to be quite honest with you, a complete waste of time. So I am off to my bed when finished I am so dam tired and stressed out.....

I was prepared with my notes, but was I allowed to speak?

I had everything written out and really he didn't give me a chance to finish off what I was saying. what It was, I don't know what's wrong with you sort of thing. I'm going to have to look it up. Loads and loads of excuses and gaslighting and placating. Ask me, "Oh, that shouldn't happen with this and that shouldn't. Are you sure?" Oh, dear me. Never heard of it. I was sat there in my wheelchair, not knowing what to do. Luckily Albertine was there with me as my speech started to fail me. So, after my 15 minute consultation with the neurologist, I am no further forward and have to wake weeks, because he's got to go and look at what he thinks it could be. I gave him a list of everything that affects me, upsets me the whole nine yards. And you know what? He still couldn't understand what's going on.

severe food intolerance and histamine reactions

I pointed out I cannot eat certain foods or even smell them because of what it does to me. And he sort of looked at me rather strangely. And then said again, I've never heard of that. So, all I got was a neurologist saying to me, "I've never heard of that, and I am a number wiser." Oh, yeah, he scratched the bottom of my foot, made me push things from my arms and everything looked at me eyes, whatnot. But that's beside the point. I went in there to discuss about autonomic dysfunction. It wasn't even discussed. He didn't want to know. It's as though, "Oh, I'm God. I know what's wrong with you. I'm going to look it up and not tell you. They may not have heard about metabolic Food intolerance's , They may not even know about that, so, you know, when I go to see a neurologist and I have all the information at hand, which I have gone through with a medical AI, everything was correct, it's just they, the neurologist did not want to know. It was either his way or no way. So, guess what, that's it, I'm going to be finding another neurologist in another hospital, because this cannot keep going on.

heart attack 5 years ago still not being seen

I was asked when was the last time you saw a heart doctor, oh, that was after my last heart attack five years ago, I've never seen anybody since then. Oh, he said, when was the last time I've seen nobody I explained, I've been left to fucking rot, the health service lost me, and look what's happened. Yes, look what's happened, I'm now so fucked up, so ill with everything, I don't know whether I'm coming or going, and you didn't listen to me and nobody's fucking helping me, so again, I'm stuck, not going forwards, just going steadily steadily backwards. The gas lighting is absolutely shameless in the NHS as far as I'm concerned.

So, what's next for me?

Well, I'm quite angry, but in the cold light of day, I have decided that I'm going to fight this, and I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to give the satisfaction of these people, because I know what is wrong with me, and they don't. You know, these neurologists and they're God-complex, it's quite unbelievable. I have put in so much research on my condition, it's unreal. Even using the latest medical AI, and they all came to the same conclusion with all my symptoms. It's a pity that my neurologist couldn't put my symptoms into his AI and came up with what's wrong with me because it would have been very simple indeed. But again, he didn't listen. No, he didn't.

This has been going on for 10 years.

All of this has been going on for 10 years in various hospitals with various neuro departments. So, do I have any confidence? No, I do not have any confidence at the moment. Over the past years, the 8 years, I have had some horrendous times and I have been ignored, I have been thrown to the side. It is absolutely awful. It is a hell. The last past 10 years have been the biggest living hell I have ever had to live and I wouldn't wish anybody my life. That's how bad it's been. It seems they want to ignore my symptoms. Yes, like they try to ignore my multiple sclerosis for over 20 years, and then made me go through a living hell to get my diagnosis for that. So yes, I feel badly let down by the National Health Service, doctors and everybody concerned over the last past 50 years. It's been hell. And if you've been there yourself, you'll know what it's like being stuck on a conveyor belt, one that goes round in a circle, the one you never get off, because they don't allow you to.

Well, there we go, still, sending anyone and everybody peace-healing love and light, and wishing everybody a fantastic week ahead. Happiness and smiles to everyone everywhere.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

So, a very good afternoon to all the humanoids and extraterrestrials, non-human intelligence's, or whoever reads this blog a very good afternoon evening to you all. As we all know, chronic illness is not the nicest things. Having progressive multiple sclerosis like I have, and now this autonomic dysfunction is really, really bad. And I'm hoping that they finally... They finally diagnose my autonomic dysfunction. Seriously, after 10 years this has been going on, I'm just so fed up of the whole thing and I want them to sort it out once and for all. So tomorrow is the high noon moment as far as I'm concerned.

Finally, after six years, maybe I will be heard. (a bit Ranty )

Well, tomorrow is the day I get to see a neurologist after 5 to 6 years of waiting. They sort of lost me five or six years ago somewhere on their records. Yes, it was quite the last time I saw them was quite the experience. I must say. Oh, the joys, so I'm wondering what's going to happen. I've been and got all my questions ready by using my medical AI, which I have found invaluable as I have been working my way through multiple sclerosis and this horrible autonomic dysfunction, which has taken the doctors 10 years, 10 years, I must say, of investigation. And they still haven't got it right yet. So tomorrow is a culmination of 10 years of frustration and 10 years of being gaslit and ignored, so it should be quite interesting what happens.

Listen to me for somethings sakes !!!!

So I have my list and I'm going to read it out to him. I'm not going to give it to him to read because he can browse through and nothing will happen. So I'm going to read that list. I'm not going to let him hit me with his little sticks or whatever the fuck he likes doing. I'm going to sit there and I'm going to be apologetically reading out what I've put. And I'll have my carer with me as well. So yes, I'm going to see what he has to say about this. And then I'm going to find out why he touched me to the curb six years ago, took me off his books. I'd love to know about that, why I've been let go for six fucking years out in the wilderness on my own, with no help but so fucking ever. And if I don't understand something, I'll have my medical AI on my phone. So I'm not going to let him get away with using terms and trying to bamboozle me. I'm going to show this person that I am a person. I am not some fucking num-nuts. And I am fed up with being treated like a lump of meat at a meat market !!!!!!!!

White coat syndrome coming in.

So as we know I have really bad white coat syndrome, and already I am stressed out, sweating,feeling sick, SO I am going to have to put on my big boy pants lol... drop a few lorazapam me thinks lol....as the closer I get to having to go the worse I feel... I am trying not to think about it.. and trying to be positive but its getting harder to do as time goes on as you can only take so much of the hassle and BS I just want it all over and done something to calm it all down some, I am used to my daily grind with the ms, but I need help and there is none anyway we will see what tomorrow brings

I am felling really weird and strange and very stressed out at this time... I am finding it hard to find words and my heads hurting, my breathing's going weirder I am going to have to lay down for a while before I post this

The darkness and the abyss

yes I have that feeling its really weird indeed I suppose I'll have my four-wheeled, slow chariot of death. Yes, it won't go more than about three miles an hour. Even a snail can overtake this one. So, yeah, I should be whizzing around the hospital trying to find where I need to be, playing dodge the patience. Yeah, that's always a good one. Yeah, so it's real inconvenient having to go to a hospital. I used to have a visiting neurologist back in the day, but neurologists don't seem to do places that are out in the boonies anymore. You have to travel hours just to go and see one. And then when you go and see one, you end up disappointed and with a dissatisfaction result, but that's life I suppose, I should be grateful that I can get to see someone.

Well, there we go, still, sending anyone and everybody peace-healing love and light, and wishing everybody a fantastic week ahead. Happiness and smiles to everyone everywhere.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content Good morning, good afternoon. Fellow humanoids and nhi out there.Storm clouds gather over Southwest England while daily life becomes a battle against malfunctioning pharmacy machines, failing vehicles, autonomic dysfunction and chronic illness. Alongside these earthly struggles comes reflection on UFO/UAP disclosure, paranormal research failures and the search for answers in a world growing increasingly strange.

head storms and rain clouds

Looking out the window at the moment there are nothing but miles and miles of dark clouds surrounding us. Absolutely everywhere! And well it hasn't rained but it's looking like it's going to blow a massive rainstorm down here in the southwest of England at some point today. Hopefully it's going to pass over so I can go out on the three-wheeled trolley of death as I need to go to the chemists. Yes, going to the chemists is like, well, a trip in itself.

chemists machine of much hope

I suppose I will be dealing with the machine at the chemists, the machine of death. It does not like me, no. You can guarantee I'm going to put my code in and it's going to break down and make some very strange weird stupid noises. As it is when I go in the chemists, they look at me strangely, as my prescription always seems to break their machine. Yes, it is a thankless task. Well, you can go in it before the chemists opens as it has an outside wall dispenser, and that machine is even worse. It has caused me much problems over the past few years, I can tell you, and has caused me many moments of swearing as well. Yes, when your medication gets stuck and you're in desperate need. Yes, it's always the same. You cannot beat the human touch and over the counter service when they have enough staff on. Yet that is another thing. As chemists these days, the more automated they become, the worse they get. Just employ more staff. It's that simple. Then you won't have queues. I've lost count how many other people's prescriptions I've also had as well mixed in with mine. Must be three or four over the past year alone. But we live in hope that things will get better and yes, things will be a happier time when we arrive there, that's if it's not raining of course on the other hand.

poor rusty one

Well, the sad news is the Van Rusty one is off the road. It looks as though we have a problem with a sensor. And that makes the vehicle run lumpy, I think it's the air management system sensor somewhere. And that really does piss me off, because we only just had a new starter motor fixed to it. And when it goes for its MOT, I think I'm looking at a bill of well over 500 to 600 to 700 pounds. But such is life when you live down here, the salt air really does tear through and make the old vehicle get very rusty.

poor d1

And then of course there is our other van, D1. This is the specially wheelchair adapted van and we have had to pay out loads of money on this as we've had two injectors go in the past year which was very unfortunate for us but there we go. This is my wheelchair transport vehicle that I bought over ten years ago. still going quite well but there we go. We have had to put that on trickle charge as when we needed to go to the vet the other day to get the cats there Injections so they can go into boarding kennels or even go outside. So it seems We found out that D1 had a, well, no battery. Yes, the battery was as flat as a pancake, so that's now on trickle charge. And also we have a flat tire as well. How exciting this is. This month is going to be spend spend spend ha ha

NHI ufos and uaps

I have been looking in the newspapers and I have been looking at a few stories and I see that UFO UAP disclosure is on the cards. Personally I think it is a big nothing burger as the Comet 3I Atlas also was, I know I never went into the fifth dimension or spiritually elevated or went into another place as it went past or gained any spiritual energy, or even saw anything strange in the skies. For me, sitting in my power chair, that's where I was sat. Nothing much happened, to be honest, and I think that's what's going to happen with UFO/UAP disclosure. I think we'll get a few films, a few reports, but nothing really too alarming to be fair. As I believe this is all a Project Blue Beam pSyop. Well, that's what everybody's saying everywhere, so that's what they say, and well, you never know what's going on these days, do you?

research issues and failures

I have tried to get in touch with certain researchers in the UAP UFO paranormal field to help me with my quest. But as of this day, it has, well, completely failed, I believe. I've written to several groups and researchers in the UK, and I've had no replies whatsoever. So I'm not expecting anything, so there we go. What do I do when the researchers won't even get back to you? You know, wow, that's unreal. But I have one ace up my sleeve, that is the old group from the southwest in the 80s and 90s, southwestern alien, abduction, strange phenomenon unit. and the founder Sam Potage. who I have spoken to at great length at what has happened to me. And he is very surprised and he tells me to carry on and someone will pick it up. He is of course retired and very elderly now. But he has put me on the right path of where I need to be. And I thank him greatly for that, as he hasn't done any research or anything apparently since the 2000s.

Autonomic dysfunction woes.

Well, the whole weekend was marred with my autonomic dysfunction. Yes, it was quite bad. If you have autonomic dysfunction and you have a histamine intolerance and multiple sclerosis progressive, you'll know what I'm on about or if you've just got a histamine intolerance. Yeah. I've been on the edge or weekend. The nerves in my stomach and all the way through all the way up are bad. It feels like I'm being completely strangled. It's unreal and my breathing is acting all kind of crazy. I am trying to work out what I must have eaten that has caused this trigger event. When my autonomic gets triggered, it goes from 0 to 100 miles an hour fucking quickly. And I have to start taking antihistamine tablets or LaRazaPan because they're the only two things that work at the moment because I'm still waiting to see a neurosurgeon or neurologist, whatever they call him, or an immunologist. As you recently found out on this blog, I have no neurologist. No, I haven't had one for over five years, my doctor has said, which has caused quite an outrage I must say. But there we go. Nobody ever fucking listens to me in what I say and look where we are at the moment. Yes, we're or as my father would say, God bless him, we're in the cactus.

Still wishing anyone who reads this blog piece, healing love and light. No matter who, what or where you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Remember waking up to crackling radios and rock ‘n’ roll drifting through the air… before life became complicated?

Well, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are, fellow humanoids and NHIs. Yes, it's the weekend and my weekend starts here. Do you remember those words back on the radio back in the 60s and 70s if you're that old? I do. I used to remember the weekends when I used to wake up and you used to hear the rock and roll music blaring out of the old transistor radio. Yes, listening to Tony Blackburn and radio one back in the 60s and 70s. What a lovely sunny, sunny morning you used to wake up, listening to Ed Stu-pot and his weird weird stuff. What absolute memories of a blast from the past. I know it may sound very cheesy now, but the music back then was essentially amazing. Some of the bands they had then still stand the test of time, even on these times that we live in now. And more so, I often think.

fun and motorcycles seem to go together

So when I was really, really young, I used to have a dirt bike and I used to take it up to the old railway track. And I suppose I would only have been 9, 11. When we used to do this myself and a group of friends and we used to spend the weekend just having fun. Without any care in the world whatsoever. It was an old gellira 80 and wow we used to do insane things riding up steep banks making jumps jumping over people doing all the sorts of things these days that would oh my god yes you'd need a safety man there and all sorts of safety equipment because it definitely wasn't health and safety time then my word no somebody could have really got hurt But it's only when you look back that you sadly realize these things, because when you're young you think you're completely indestructible. So most weekends we would take our old bikes, wheel them up to the old railway or the farmers field and we would spend the morning or an afternoon scrambling and riding around. Nobody really bothered us, nobody really cared. And we just had loads and loads of fun. On a Saturday and a Sunday afternoon, bothering no one. But that was the late 60s, early 1970s. Boy, how things have now changed.

Chemist's machine from hell.

Well amazing news on the chemist's machine from hell dispensing automation units. It's not going to have a problem with any of my prescriptions anymore. Isn't that fantastic? I went into the chemists and I've now managed to get it all sorted out. Oh wow. Yeah, that saves me many frustrating visits to the chemist. Trying to put a code into a machine that did not like me, that hated me, that I am sure when it saw me coming thought ah, we will get him, he will not get his medication. So I'm looking forward to my next prescription. Oh yes indeed. When I get my medication I will be hoping that it will go as smooth as smooth can be. But we will see. The thing is I don't like pressing buttons unless I've got gloves on because you never know what you can catch from buttons that you press. Oh indeed always remember take a pair of rubber or plastic gloves with you when you have to open doors and use petrol pumps etc because it's amazing where bugs and lurgies lay waiting to pounce Giving you a severe diarrhea dilemma or even a vomit virus. and a lot of people don't wash their hands and when they go to use a petrol pump or a door handle well there we go. So there we go take care when you're out there and remember wash your hands thoroughly wherever you go. I know I do.

Things I take with me on a trip.

I suppose the most important thing for me is to make sure I have everything on a trip. So even if it's to the local doctors or the local shop or even far away, I always make sure I have a bag packed in case of emergency because you never know when you're going to need things.

I always make sure that on my phone I have my ice numbers, that's in case of emergency numbers that people can phone. Well, in case of an emergency. And of course there's various articles of spare clothing and various medications. Always remembering to keep hydrated and to take a bottle of water with you as well. Yes. I can carry medical cannabis with me, funnily enough. So I have to keep my prescription with me when I carry it. So that's very weird. It's a very strange feeling when you're going in your power chair around a shopping center. And you've got a pot of cannabis on you and you're going past a policeman for instance. You sort of stop and you're sort of there thinking, "My God!" You know, that really does give me a head trip. But me personally, I have found that police very helpful when I have had dealings with them. In fact, they've always been very helpful. But that's on the occasions I've needed them. But I find them quite cheerful overall. And I suppose if you treat them with respect, they'll treat you with respect. And that's the way I think we should always pay respect to doctors, nurses, firemen, ambulancemen, and all the people out there who put their lives at risk for us.

Yes, we really should say a big thank you to all of them, no matter who they are. Even if it's down to the loneliest cleaner, we should say a massive big thank you. And I suppose that goes for most people in the community in the society we live in. You know, if we're all to be more polite and happier and smile towards each other, things might slowly change. But that's just me thinking a little bit outside of the box, remembering how things used to be in the 1960s and 1970s, and seeing things change so drastically. It's heartbreaking seeing some of those changes that have indirectly incurred on people's lives. It is truly, truly sad.

The weekend and AI

I was hoping to actually go somewhere this weekend, but there is nothing going on, nothing happening around here. So I guess I'm stuck inside again this weekend. I am still working on the AI project and I'm running an AI from my own computer now and not using the main server. I'm using my PC instead. I must say the answers that I am getting is a lot better than we would have got from the filtered AI on the usual AI platforms. Still, looking out the window it is very hot this morning, and my word, I think we're in for a scorching weekend. Saturday morning, looking out the window, oh my god, the weather is blowing me away. I think I'm going to have to get my power chair out and go for a ride this afternoon. Yes, indeed, it will be fun. But then again I might not. Just depends on how things go. My autonomic dysfunction is giving me a bad underlying feeling today and yeah that's not very pleasant. Tinnitus has calmed down quite considerably today which is itself a miracle. So I suggest if you're in a sunny place and get lots of sunshine and vitamin D, hydrate and go out and get warm and feel the warm sunshine rays of healing on your skin.

Still sending everyone who reads this blog, peace, healing, love and light, to whomever and whatever you are and wherever you are from.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

This is my reality.

So good morning fellow humanoids and E-T-I. So yes, this morning I had a massive autonomic dysfunction. Attack. It wasn't very pleasant, it was a near ambulance calling situation again this morning. But there we go. What do I do? What do I do in this situation I ask myself? Do I phone for the ambulance, only to be taken to hospital and prodded and poked, and then not understanding what the fuck's going on because nobody will listen to what's actually going on with me?

Gaslighting

They will put it down to my heart like they always do and then they will try and frighten me and then a few weeks later I will go back to them and say well you've got it wrong again haven't you especially when the ECG came back and proved them wrong. And that it was the autonomic dysfunction in the first place that caused my heart irregularities that I am suffering with, yet I'm not seeing a heart specialist, I'm not seeing an immunologist and I'm not seeing a neurologist, I've been left at the back of the list to rot in fucking hell! ....

It actually comes to something when you have to research and do self-diagnostics yourself to get to the bottom of what is actually wrong with you and why doctors cannot. It really does piss me off. It seems when you're in a power chair and you have progressive multiple sclerosis, you're treated like a fucking vegetable. And that, oh, they'd rather talk to the person with you who is standing next to the wheelchair than the actual person in the wheelchair and take what they have to say seriously and listen, It really is disgusting.

When the Body Shuts Down

So, as I sit here and I'm going through the end of this, it just feels awful. I feel awful. I hate these attacks when the mind just totally freaks out and the body just goes. And you know what's coming next? It's those frightening experiences that one can go through when your body totally shuts Down and then of course the inevitable will you come back from that. Luckily I have come back three times now from 3 total shutdowns, which is quite surprising.

There were no ambulances and doctors, no. It was just me, my wife and a medical AI. If it had been left to 111, they took over a day to get back to me. That really did help, didn't it? The ambulance took nearly an hour and, well, I would have been dead and gone by then. When they did the ECG, they said I had to go into hospital in some urgency. Due to I was going to be suffering a massive stroke due to the ECG pointing out irregularities in my ECG.

Autonomic dysfunction, flare up

Now, knowing that what I was going through was an autonomic dysfunction, flare up, shut down, attack thing, I knew what was going to happen and I knew that blood clotting, anti-blood clotting, injections, etc, etc, etc, all that stuff's not going to help me in this situation. So I decided not to go into hospital with this in November. And ever since then I have been fighting tooth and nail with the MS service and well with no luck to be honest it seems I'm going round in circles and I'm getting this letter together for pals because I'm fed up.

I've been going round and round and round in circles for over ten years and I'm getting sick of the fucking gaslighting that's going on with everything. I just want to get sorted out and have peace of mind for once. Take away all that stress and all that horribleness that I go through every day. I just want to know what's going on with me. I need some help and nobody wants to fucking help me. It's just not fair.

Ignored by the System

I know that I'm not the only one out there that is going through this, as there are many with chronic illnesses that go through a living hell regularly every day, every minute of the day, and they suffer due to people's incompetence or just general lack of knowledge. I know the NHS does its best with what it has, and I know the staff do their best, but the red tape and bureaucracy is a joke. It has now got to that point where if I can help it, I do not go to the doctors whatsoever. I only go in dire emergencies because to be honest with you, I really have an aversion to go into doctors and hospitals now. I don't trust any of them and I don't like going to see them. I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea here and it's just one hell of a fucking frightening experience for me. It's been plaguing my mental health for many years. And yes, I have white coat syndrome as well. I'm sick and tired of doctors and neurologists trying to frighten me into making decisions that I truly do not want to make.

Life changes

So like many of you out there, I stand alone. Well, not alone I have Albertine, my wife and some of my family who stand with me. But others don't because they don't take the time out to try and understand what I'm going through. I'm not the same person I was 40, 50 years ago. I've changed beyond any recognition. Nobody would recognize me not even from 20 years ago. That's how much I've changed. My personality, the inner me, has completely changed. People do not understand the changes I have gone through and that I'm going through. It's fucking hard.

When will people try to understand that when you're going through an illness like MS that affects your brain, that affects all the signals, the cognitive angles, the brain fogs, fucking hell. How the fuck am I still able to do what I'm even doing? I suppose that's only through learned things that I've done. Man, it's a frightening life, but fuck. Yeah, I'm living it and I'm living on the edge 24/7. And to say it's not frightening would be an understatement. So yeah, I'm living on the edge and I'm speaking from raw experience. I'm not an AI bot or some AI chat thing trying to get figures. I'm just trying to put over what it's like suffering with a chronic illness 24/7.

mental health issues

When MS starts fucking with your head and starts playing games in your head Then you'll understand what it's like when you freak out Yes MS can make you freak out and make you lose your mind It can make you on the edge people don't understand the mental stress and what we have to go through My god if people truly knew and understood why I have to go through Then they might go a long way to understand why I am like I am and who I am and what I am Yes, I am eccentric.

I admit that I also have Gnostic views Yes, I also believe this earth is a simulation Yes, well, so what I'm eccentric I'm allowed to have those views But because I hold some weird views people won't speak to me just because of that but being in a power chair as well My god you're left a rot in a fucking hole of puke somewhere in a corner It's just not fair when can we and when will we be treated like normal members of society without having to hide in dark corners

!!I just wish people would fucking listen to me for a change.!!

Sending everyone who reads this blog, peace, healing, love and light no matter whom, what or whoever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

So, a very good morning to you fellow humanoids and sufferers out there with chronic illness. Yes, it's been quite a day indeed. I was up early in the usual pain through the autonomic dysfunction and well, I've had enough. I completely had enough. It's all very well having progressive MS, but through no fault of my own, this autonomic dysfunction has caused me great issues indeed.

Back in the 1980s I had an injection for hay fever and it appears that many people who had that same injection have now started to experience autonomic dysfunction at some levels so they stop that injection because it caused problems. Now I'm trying to make people understand that it is not always multiple sclerosis that causes issues and that I have autonomic dysfunction caused by histamine reactions in the body. My body cannot stand histamines whatsoever. It cannot even stand food that hasn't any histamines that causes a histamine reaction in the body. So I have to be so careful with everything I eat and summer is a nightmare. Plants, hay-fever- yes, you get the picture. It's a living hell for me.

So, as you know in November the ambulance was called and I refused to go into hospital. They said I was going to have a stroke due to something on the ECG being weird, and I told them I know what the issue is. It's my autonomic dysfunction and they sort of looked at me and well, they were really, really nice people and I signed a piece of paper and I said I'll have it all dealt with locally So that was back in November.

The goblin keeps track of all of it. Every “we’ll get back to you.” Every delay. Every time nothing actually happens.

I managed to see a doctor in November or was it December? And then I asked to see a neurologist about everything that was going on. I asked the MS nurse, I asked the doctor, and well, the MS nurse got back to me and said that the neurologist had said who I haven't seen or heard of in five years said to the MS nurse, you have to see an immunologist. It's got nothing to do with neurology. Yes, so I'm in this circle now where the neurology team don't want to know. and to try and get an appointment to see a immunologist is a joke. So I'm thinking, will I ever get to see one? I don't think I will. Unfortunately, my mind has turned into goblin brain. And as a goblin brain, that means I'm probably going to pals because I've had enough of all this bullshit. So yeah, it's been a real mind fuck of a morning.

Neurology says “not us.” MS team shrugs a bit and passes it along. Then I get told “you need immunology.” Immunology? Good luck getting anywhere near them unless you can bend time and bureaucracy itself.

I’ve had enough.

Enough of chasing things that should already be happening. Enough of repeating myself like I don’t exist beyond the last conversation. Enough of feeling like I’ve somehow got to prove I deserve to be taken seriously.

This is about what it feels like to get stuck in something that doesn’t move, while you’re the one dealing with the consequences.

I refuse to get to stressed over this still.. wishing everyone peace healing love and light no matter who or whatever you are ....

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Good morning fellow humanoids, the sun is shining brightly through the window yet the clouds are looking dark and it looks like it might start raining soon. So today I'm feeling particularly bad, the autonomic dysfunction is going up a few notches it seems every day. So hopefully I hope that I don't get one of those really terrible attacks like I have been getting every now and again. That puts me into hospital.

So, as you know, yesterday I got in contact with my doctor about getting an appointment with an immunologist. But alas, I've got to jump through hoops and hoops. And I have to wait to speak to a doctor for a month before I can even ask to see an immunologist. Now this is unbelievable. As I've been waiting to see a neurologist for over five years, and you would have thought after the last massive attack I had in November, things would have been put into motion. But alas, no, it seems as usual it's all fucked up. The thing is the MS nurse told me that the neurologist said I have to go and see a immunologist Yes, so there we go and Now I find myself in this position of why could you not have told me that in November? So now I have to wait a month to see the doctor. I then have to...

Oh yes. Something else that's just really annoyed me as well. As today I'm feeling particularly unwell and shitty. I sent a letter or email to the MS nurse. Asking for help, but guess what? I have had an email back saying I am on holiday again till Monday, or on leave I suppose. and to get in touch with 1-1-1 if it's urgent. Well, again, I make this point. Why would I want to phone up them when I have a perfectly good MS service that is there to help me? By the time I've explained to 1111 what's wrong with me and what is going on, And then the 1111 service take absolutely hours to get back to you, don't they? Yes, so there we go. So you'll know further forward because they've got to find somebody who is a specialist in MS as well, haven't they? Or autonomic dysfunction. that could take six or seven hours I've been waiting by the telephone, as Debbie Harry would say, and no fucking way.

I am fed up of putting myself through all of this stress. So, do you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to do absolutely nothing. What is the point of the MS service? Because to be fair, they're not very good, are they? What's the point of the neurology? Not very good, are they? No. So, as I sit here, slowly fading away into nothingness, I question why I even bother going to the doctors at all now, because they have been no help to me whatsoever. I just sit here and I just suffer and get no help, or the only help they can offer is, 'Oh come and see me in a month's time. I don't want to have to pay £55 because I cannot afford it to see a private doctor.' So, yes, I'm just going to have to fucking suffer. Due to the nature of my autonomic dysfunction and all this pollen, I think I'm at the limit of my antihistamine tablets. And guess what? My autonomic dysfunction, histamine levels are going up and up and up. And we know what this means, but no one gives a bloody damn do they?

So as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to have to go and shut myself in the bedroom, turn the light off and basically just lay there because that's all I'm going to be able to do because to be fair with anybody I'm not going to be able to function soon. That's the pure harsh reality of it all. When the sickness and diarrhea starts, that's probably when I'm going to phone for the ambulance. Because then they will be able to see what I actually go through and my attack and then I'm probably going to be an hospital when it goes off. I am half tempted to just not take any anti histamines and let everything go off end up in hospital and do things that way. I am so sorely tempted that I'm not going to do that. My God, things have got that fucking bad in my life now.
Still, that's it for now. Wishing everybody healing and peace

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Well, at the time of writing this, it's Wednesday evening ( its Tuesday lol ), and it's quite a pleasant evening. So a very pleasant evening, morning, afternoon, wherever, or whoever you are in the world. Hello fellow humanoids. Well, it's been quite a week for me, I can tell you that. Yes, it's already started. My new medical dramas are about to start coming to fruition. So, as you know, I've been waiting for a neurologist's appointment, an urgent neurologist's appointment since November. That still has not happened. So, I phoned up my MS nurse. Well, I tell a slight lie, I dropped her an email and she made an appointment to phone me. And she informed me that I need to see an immunologist. And I said, "Well, why couldn't you tell me that?" months ago.

So, I'm not angry, I'm not pissed off, I'm not really that fed up. I'm just a bit miffed, to be honest with you, because I've had to use AI to manage my multiple sclerosis and my autonomic dysfunction episodes rather than my neurologist who I can never speak to, and my MS nurse when she's not on leave, sometimes. So yes, I'm in a worse situation than I was before, and on changing hospitals, that is now all on hold. It seems I am staying with my old neurologist who does not like me, who does not get along with me, and it looks like I'm going to get railroaded again. But I do not think I am going to put up with this, so I'm going to be fighting this tooth and nail, because to be honest with you, I'm getting rather fed up of all the bollocks that I'm having to put up with and to go through, just to go and see an immunologist to get my autonomic dysfunction sorted out, which it has taken them how many years to try and sort out. They've had a good, what, 10, 15 years of sticking tubes up and down my nose, going and seeing specialists and God knows what. I find out through AI what's giving me the trouble. Yes people, AI told me what the problem was, not a doctor, not a specialist, but they also agree now with what the AI is saying because of my symptoms. If only they would fucking listen to me. Why does nobody ever fucking listen? It makes me bloody angry. I am sorry for my swearing, but I feel really strongly about this.

So, you've got multiple sclerosis and then you have all the other bits and pieces with the MS which they really don't tell you about. You're supposed to go to a group or you're supposed to go on Google and Google it. They don't sit down with you and really explain to you the living hell that you're going to be going through for the next lot of years. It don't explain to you that the condition causes other conditions to get worse and can cause conditions you would have been dormant in your body to rise up and bite you on the arse. It's like I was okay with the MS but to have severe or autonomic dysfunction as well is mind blowing. You know, they never listened to me but I shouted loud enough and they listened. But now I'm having to shout even louder to try and see an immunologist to try and get some help. Every day is a living hell for me. Every night is a living hell for me. These people do not know what I am going through.

That is why I write this blog because I want to show that I'm not the only person that is going through this living hell. There's thousands of us with chronic illnesses out there who are suffering, who are unheard, whose voices are not heard. We are pushed to the back of the queue. We are not listened to. It really is a very sad situation in this society when people do not care for the sick, disabled and elderly in their society. I think that is a damning thing about the state of our society and the world we live in. The more I look at it, the more I see money and greed and power. That's all people are interested in. The empathy seems to have gone. It's just greedy pigs at all the troughs as usual. Well, I'm going to have to say allegedly because it probably, well, I don't know, to you. Some rambling words and thoughts going on my mind which I'm not prepared to say. lol

So yes, I got in contact with the medical center today, Albertine sent an email for me to get them to get me an appointment with the immunologist to see if that would help things move along, according to the MS nurse, it will. So I received a phone call saying, "Oh, you've got to come into the surgery this morning for triage." And I said, "Well, it's autonomic dysfunction. Why have I got to come in? I just need to see an immunologist." And I really can't work out why I've got to go and see a doctor. When I know what's wrong with me, they know what's wrong with me. Yet I've got to go through this weird system. It's already been over four months. You would have thought I would have been seen by an immunologist or even a neuro by now. But I haven't. So it just goes to show that I'm 66, so I'm retired. That means I'm old. That's box one. I'm sick. That's box two. Oh, dear. Yeah. Don't listen to me. I'm old, sick and disabled. I'll go to the back of the queue and just sort of curl up and roll a little ball and just stay there and rot.

But unfortunately, I'm not going to crawl into a little ball and rot. I am going balls to the wall. No, I'm just taking it slow and I'm taking it steady and I'm taking my time. And if I get seen, I get seen. And when I do get seen, I'll be able to sit there while they treat me like an idiot, as they always do. You know, when you're in a wheelchair and you've got somebody with you, they always talk to the person and not the person in the wheelchair, don't they? So yeah, I have a list of questions. I have quite a lot of evidence and yes, I will be going armed with all the evidence and yes, they cannot easily get away with all of this rubbish because in the end, they've got to see me. I mean, why can't they just take five minutes out of their day? You know, simple really, isn't it? I think in this day and age of everything being 24/7, doctors and dentists should be 24/7 as well, 365 days a year, because that's the society we have turned into. Still, I shall go and look out of the window and I will be listening to some music. And, well, just think myself lucky that My tinnitus is on low volume today.

So, an update from the doctor situation. "Would you believe I had a phone call from a doctor's surgery this morning? And they said to me, 'Can you come in today?' to come in for a nurse for triage?' I said, 'No, I am too ill. I cannot get there.' 'Oh,' she replied. The next thing, 'Oh, I shall get you an appointment,' I thought. 'Oh great, I might get to see somebody.' 'Uh, like a phone call or something.' 'No, I now have to wait a month to see a doctor.' The only reason I got in touch with the doctors was for them to arrange an appointment for me to see an immunologist. And I now have been waiting for months. And now it looks like I am going to be having to wait more time due to people not listening and acting correctly. So yes, I'm only one more autonomic dysfunction attack away probably from something very nasty and fatal happening to me. You just cannot make this stuff up. So now I'm going to have to email the MS nurse to try and get her to get her ass into gear and also to speak to the neurologist to try and get him to do something as well because to be honest with you I don't think I can put up much longer with what is going on with me.

So yeah, as you've guessed, it's Wednesday morning that I'm doing this and I did the earlier part of this blog on Tuesday evening, I think it was. I can't remember. I haven't been that well. So please remember, have fun out there and be safe.

Still, anyway, that's enough of my ranting and moaning today. Still, I'd wish you all a very good week ahead and send you peace and healing, and hope that things go well for you all. Whomever or whatever you are, wherever, or whomever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. Some AI written content

Well, good morning, fellow humanoids. Yes. It is a warm day, and it is slightly sunny outside. Yes, I actually got on the three wheeled trolley of death this morning, and I went to the post office. My word, it was chaos at a sedate eight miles an hour on the roads of the southwest, causing mayhem. Everybody was smiling this morning. Everybody was chatting and happy. Oh, the joys and joys of a wondrous ostara. Indeed.

Spring has arrived, and with it comes Ostara a time of renewal, balance, and growth. But what does that really look like when you’re living with chronic illness, navigating Linux, and experimenting with offline AI? This is a real-world reflection on spirituality, resilience, and finding light in unexpected places.

here's what the ai had to say about ostara

Significance of Ostara Celebration of Renewal and Fertility

Ostara symbolizes renewal, fertility, and growth. It is a time to celebrate the increasing light and the awakening of nature. Traditions often involve:

Planting seeds and preparing gardens.
Celebrating fertility in all forms, including creative endeavors.
Honoring the balance between light and darkness.

Deities and Symbols

The name Ostara is derived from the Germanic goddess Eostre, associated with spring and fertility. Symbols commonly linked to this festival include:

Eggs: Representing new life.
Rabbits: Symbolizing fertility and abundance.
Flowers: Such as daffodils and spring blooms.

Activities and Customs Common Practices

Egg Decorating: This custom is widely recognized and 
  often involves decorating eggs to symbolize new life.
Bonfires: Lighting bonfires to represent the sun's return.
Feasting: Sharing meals that include seasonal foods, such as greens and 
 root vegetables.

Rituals and Ceremonies

People may perform rituals to honor the earth, express gratitude for fertility, and invoke blessings for the growing season.

thank you Ai bye bye bah brain fog stopted my Ostara explanation lol typical

still, Yes, I follow the wheel of the year and the wiccan rede but thats me personally, and uh it's a great thing. But that's my own personal belief system, my own path, being as I am a Gnostic Wiccan, which is quite a mouthful. Haha. Well, anyway, today is feeling really, really positive. Strangely enough, my autonomic dysfunction has slightly muted today, and my mood has changed. Even the usual tinnitus has decided to quieten down slightly.

And yes, on the front of Linux. Things have gone so so. I still have Linux, I'm still using it, in fact I'm doing this post on Linux. But unfortunately, it looks like I've got to have a Windows 10 or 11 PC as well to do certain things. So I'm chickened out, I do not want to do a dual boot. So I actually had a bit of luck. So I've managed to get hold of a small factor form PC, which I will be able to put Windows 10 on, and there we go. Hey ho, I should be things as normal soon, hopefully, but you never can tell things can go bonkers in my world.

The thing was I was looking at the price of memory RAM DDR or whatever you like to call it. And apparently all the AI centres and big computer people are buying up all the RAM. So people like us can't buy it because it's all sold, and well, I'm gonna have to get some Sodims. That sounds rather rude, but being small form Sodims are around. And it will help with the AI that I'm now running that I have sort of out. So I have my own AI running on my machine, which is great, and I have several different versions of which I do not have to pay for, and I can use offline and don't have to connect to the internet to use them. So that is indeed awesome. And I'm having a great deal of success using them as well, and I recommend people go get LM Studio and have a go for themselves.

I am managing to do a great deal of research and it is amazing how much information you can glean using the AI. I in fact have moved several strides forward with some amazing results.At the moment I am doing a lot of research on the Gnostic view of death and what comes after death, and it is interesting having the proper interpretations, so to speak, being raw and unfiltered rather than being censored or having somebody's words spouting off what they think because I want to know what I think, not what others do.

It's been an amazing journey the last year. I have found out so much about myself and my health as well. It's amazing what a year can do for a person. I've died, I've come back, I'm just don't know who I am anymore sometimes, but hey ho, I keep on fighting, and that's my point. I've got to keep on fighting because if I don't and I give up, what's left in life but nothing. So yeah, remember, always be positive, always be happy. I know life can be depressing, and illness, chronic illness can piss you right off some days, but remember, hang on in there because guess what? It can get better, but the person that makes it better is yourself. No one else will help you, everybody else will put you down, everybody else will write you off. It's you yourself that has to go for it and really go for it. Sod what others think. That's what I say, you have to be you. You have to be the authentic true version of yourself.

Life is a journey with many stops along the way. Anyhow, I'm on the bus of life just like everybody else. It's just that my stop's nearer the terminus than most people. Anyway, wishing everybody peace, healing, love and light, no matter who or what you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ