The weird eccentric ramblings of a multiple sclerosis sufferer

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

So good afternoon fellow humanoids, wherever or whomever you may be. Yes, it's one of those very frustrating afternoons. When you think I wish I could be doing something totally different than being stuck in this chair, looking out the window, watching all going on around me. I thought this afternoon I would try and do something different but now I am regretting it. I have a very large bruise on my leg and I am not feeling the best that's for sure. I overdid it. I thought that I would help. Albertine in the garden. Big mistake indeed.

I just wish I'd waited for the demon weed wacker to come over and do everything. And then I wouldn't have hurt myself, but there we go. You think you can do anything until you can't, but there we go. I won't tell you what I tried to lift or pull. I shouldn't have done it, but there we go. You still think you're superhuman. Your mind is acting like a 20 year old and your body is acting like a 120 year old person. I woke up feeling very strange and weird this morning for usual pain in the abdomen and all the nerves singing their morning musical as they do before my painful morning ablutions. And I felt rather good about myself as well. And I thought I would try and be helpful today. I think I've been helpful, but I have been lecturing Albertine about not, overdoing it, and I don't think that went down rather well.

Wow, and I've just seen the price of fuel unbelievable. Well, I'm glad I've got my three-wheel trolley of death. At least it takes a small charge, and it's cheaper to run, but I can only carry a few things, and it takes me hours to get anywhere on it. But there we go. I suppose there will be a lot fewer cars on the road. And then that will mean the roads will be a lot clearer for me to ride the roads of the southwest of England at a speed of 8 miles an hour for the death-defying three-wheel trolley of death. As Viper Storm said, "It should have go fast as stripes, but my friend Viper, who has also a three-wheeled sex trolley of death." Yes, indeed, that's what he has, and rides around north of the county. Oh indeed, what a marvelous sight to see indeed. He makes the fair maidens these buckle. Oh yes indeed. The man who invented the word plumstick.

As I sit here and fire up the volcano for my medical marijuana, I smile because I think to myself, well, at least I'm nearly human. as I have this goblin brain, ah ha. The goblin sometimes takes over and it can cause mayhem in my life. The goblin is that person that causes me more trouble than anything else in my life. The goblin is my multiple sclerosis. If you haven't guessed already, yes. Ah, the blog goblin, the goblin, is what I call my MS to be, fair. It seems the goblin is a bit of an alter ego. Just like my main persona, Mr. Warlock Dark, has been my persona now for so many years. I've forgotten 30 years, maybe 40 odd years. And he's been around the warlock. Yes, he's my alter ego, he's the real me. He's that person who is completely raw. Balls to the wall, says it like it is, doesn't like being censored or sanitized. Yes, but unfortunately, it seems that everything in my world has changed 360 degrees. And my God, I am so glad for those changes.

So yes, I have had my mind taken elsewhere by other things over the past few weeks when I discovered AI music generating programs. So that has taken up some of my time, but unfortunately I've been getting the severe brain fogs and been unable to do much as of late and it's really, really annoying. I just kind of sit there looking at that blank page wondering about what lyrics I'm going to use. But I must say I've even surprised myself with what I've done. I've even turned a lot of stories into lyrics as well for songs and turned them into songs. In fact, I've been doing all sorts of weird different things. But unfortunately only when my mind and head allows because it's just completely screwed up. I have the pain in my head. I just feel so tired all the time. I just feel so tired and the pain is just unbelievable. And this bloody tinnitus is just up force ten at the moment.

This autonomic dysfunction is also playing hell with my breathing as well and causing me severe problems. I have this problem with autonomic dysfunction, it's with me all the time and I can feel it all the time and I can feel the different levels that it goes up on. It's very strange and I'm waiting to see a neurologist still and I'm also waiting to see a Immunologist. But again, it's going to be long-winded and they're going to take their time. I've been told to see a neurologist, well, I haven't seen one in five or six years, to actually see when I've got to wait another five or six months, and to see a new immunologist, well, I've got to wait a month to see my doctor, so I can ask him to see a new immunologist as well. And it was my MS nurse that told me to contact my doctor's surgery, leave a message that I need to see the immunologist about my autonomic dysfunction and the histamine thing. But she said this would make things go quicker, but it hasn't, of course, it seems as though it's made things bloody worse as usual, because what with strikes, bureaucracy and one thing and another, it looks as though I am being left again and forgotten.

Still, I am used to being forgotten and treated weirdly by people, but I really couldn't give a damn. The thing is I'm never going to change and I'm not going to change for anyone. So there we go. I know my limits and I know what I can and cannot do. And I'm not going to let people tell me who or what I am. I am me. The thing is, multiple sclerosis hits people in many, many different ways. No two people are the same with MS. And it's the same with chronic illness in general. People who have chronic illness suffer 24/7. Some illnesses are hidden that we cannot see. And, you know, people have to realize that all chronic illness is something that is the harshest thing that can happen to anybody. It rages through their lives. It causes complete havoc. It causes a living hell for everybody. You lose friends. You have family who won't even speak to you. You have people that cannot even look you in the eye. You're treated differently. Sometimes you're treated like a pariah. All because you have a chronic illness. And in a power chair, people seem to treat you differently. They seem to treat you like you have something that's catching and they can catch it too if they get too near. Well, fuck them. That's what I say. Fuck them. And, yeah, they need to get themselves a life.

Any victory, no matter how small, is a victory. Still, I must finish here, sending everybody peace, healing and love and light. Take care and remember stay strong.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

A chaotic yet victorious weekend of repairing a bizarre three-piece wheel hub, silencing squeaky bearings, and preparing the “Three-Wheeled Trolley of Death” for its triumphant return. Alongside the mechanical madness, a milestone of over 300 self-produced AI-enhanced music tracks marks a creative breakthrough.

The Three-Wheeled Trolley of Death is BACK

Well, good evening, good afternoon, fellow humanoids out there in the land of... Well, wherever we are at this time... And place in space. It has been quite the weekend so far. It took me a week, but between myself and Albertine and one of our neighbors, we managed to fix the puncture on the three-wheeled trolley of death. Yes, three people to change a inner tube , but putting the new tube in was not the easiest. I have never encountered taking the front of the wheel hub off. Yes, it was a really weird wheel. I encountered two putting two halves to make a whole wheel with the tube and the tire sandwiched in between. So I managed to get both the wheel nuts off both sides and guess what, there was no lubrication or anything on the bearings for the wheels. So a couple of squirts in there and we have got rid of the squeaks. So hopefully the three wheeled Trolley of Death won't squeak like a squeaky chair on cheap cola.

Still, as I look out of the window, I do see the sun but I see the sky and the clouds of doom are heading towards us im afraid, so it looks like I'm not going to be able to test the three-wheeled scooter of death till tomorrow. But the good news is, the Tyre is still up. Yes, so we didn't fail there. And I'm very much looking forward to taking it out tomorrow on its maiden voyage. It's had a lube job as well on all the bearings because it was the squeaky-squaky machine from squeaky land. Indeed, Albertine was embarrassed to be near me. That's how bad the squeak really was. Now the cat has decided to use my leg as a sharpening implement. Well, it's a good job, I can't feel that, isn't it really? And now she's jumped on my lap and yes, I've had to stop doing what I'm doing because she demands that I give her a good belly rub. Ha ha!

Still, the most amazing thing is I've now got over 300 music tracks that I have now produced. And I'm now using my own voice as well, would you believe? I'm using AI synthesis of some description. This is even better, so not only am I using my own lyrics, I'm now using my own voice. This is just like totally bonkers. I never would have thought this possible in all those many years that I've been alive. As basically, wow, it blows my mind the technology that we have these days and the things we're able to do, isn't it just so wonderful? Yet we can't find anybody to fix a pothole. Oh dear me, such is life though eh?

Still, I went out this morning with Albertine and the Tyre has stayed up and I made sure that the nuts were tightened up on the wheels and the bearings were lubed. We have no squeaks and all the Tyre are ready to go, so the three-wheel trolley of death gets its major outing again tomorrow. Oh yes, will it go faster? Well, anything's fast and about two miles an hour with a brake stuck on. Still, sending everybody peace and healing and trusting that you've had a good weekend as it comes to the end. And hopefully next week will be a better week for me and everybody else out there.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Good morning fellow humanoids, the sun is shining brightly through the window yet the clouds are looking dark and it looks like it might start raining soon. So today I'm feeling particularly bad, the autonomic dysfunction is going up a few notches it seems every day. So hopefully I hope that I don't get one of those really terrible attacks like I have been getting every now and again. That puts me into hospital.

So, as you know, yesterday I got in contact with my doctor about getting an appointment with an immunologist. But alas, I've got to jump through hoops and hoops. And I have to wait to speak to a doctor for a month before I can even ask to see an immunologist. Now this is unbelievable. As I've been waiting to see a neurologist for over five years, and you would have thought after the last massive attack I had in November, things would have been put into motion. But alas, no, it seems as usual it's all fucked up. The thing is the MS nurse told me that the neurologist said I have to go and see a immunologist Yes, so there we go and Now I find myself in this position of why could you not have told me that in November? So now I have to wait a month to see the doctor. I then have to...

Oh yes. Something else that's just really annoyed me as well. As today I'm feeling particularly unwell and shitty. I sent a letter or email to the MS nurse. Asking for help, but guess what? I have had an email back saying I am on holiday again till Monday, or on leave I suppose. and to get in touch with 1-1-1 if it's urgent. Well, again, I make this point. Why would I want to phone up them when I have a perfectly good MS service that is there to help me? By the time I've explained to 1111 what's wrong with me and what is going on, And then the 1111 service take absolutely hours to get back to you, don't they? Yes, so there we go. So you'll know further forward because they've got to find somebody who is a specialist in MS as well, haven't they? Or autonomic dysfunction. that could take six or seven hours I've been waiting by the telephone, as Debbie Harry would say, and no fucking way.

I am fed up of putting myself through all of this stress. So, do you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to do absolutely nothing. What is the point of the MS service? Because to be fair, they're not very good, are they? What's the point of the neurology? Not very good, are they? No. So, as I sit here, slowly fading away into nothingness, I question why I even bother going to the doctors at all now, because they have been no help to me whatsoever. I just sit here and I just suffer and get no help, or the only help they can offer is, 'Oh come and see me in a month's time. I don't want to have to pay £55 because I cannot afford it to see a private doctor.' So, yes, I'm just going to have to fucking suffer. Due to the nature of my autonomic dysfunction and all this pollen, I think I'm at the limit of my antihistamine tablets. And guess what? My autonomic dysfunction, histamine levels are going up and up and up. And we know what this means, but no one gives a bloody damn do they?

So as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to have to go and shut myself in the bedroom, turn the light off and basically just lay there because that's all I'm going to be able to do because to be fair with anybody I'm not going to be able to function soon. That's the pure harsh reality of it all. When the sickness and diarrhea starts, that's probably when I'm going to phone for the ambulance. Because then they will be able to see what I actually go through and my attack and then I'm probably going to be an hospital when it goes off. I am half tempted to just not take any anti histamines and let everything go off end up in hospital and do things that way. I am so sorely tempted that I'm not going to do that. My God, things have got that fucking bad in my life now.
Still, that's it for now. Wishing everybody healing and peace

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Well, at the time of writing this, it's Wednesday evening ( its Tuesday lol ), and it's quite a pleasant evening. So a very pleasant evening, morning, afternoon, wherever, or whoever you are in the world. Hello fellow humanoids. Well, it's been quite a week for me, I can tell you that. Yes, it's already started. My new medical dramas are about to start coming to fruition. So, as you know, I've been waiting for a neurologist's appointment, an urgent neurologist's appointment since November. That still has not happened. So, I phoned up my MS nurse. Well, I tell a slight lie, I dropped her an email and she made an appointment to phone me. And she informed me that I need to see an immunologist. And I said, "Well, why couldn't you tell me that?" months ago.

So, I'm not angry, I'm not pissed off, I'm not really that fed up. I'm just a bit miffed, to be honest with you, because I've had to use AI to manage my multiple sclerosis and my autonomic dysfunction episodes rather than my neurologist who I can never speak to, and my MS nurse when she's not on leave, sometimes. So yes, I'm in a worse situation than I was before, and on changing hospitals, that is now all on hold. It seems I am staying with my old neurologist who does not like me, who does not get along with me, and it looks like I'm going to get railroaded again. But I do not think I am going to put up with this, so I'm going to be fighting this tooth and nail, because to be honest with you, I'm getting rather fed up of all the bollocks that I'm having to put up with and to go through, just to go and see an immunologist to get my autonomic dysfunction sorted out, which it has taken them how many years to try and sort out. They've had a good, what, 10, 15 years of sticking tubes up and down my nose, going and seeing specialists and God knows what. I find out through AI what's giving me the trouble. Yes people, AI told me what the problem was, not a doctor, not a specialist, but they also agree now with what the AI is saying because of my symptoms. If only they would fucking listen to me. Why does nobody ever fucking listen? It makes me bloody angry. I am sorry for my swearing, but I feel really strongly about this.

So, you've got multiple sclerosis and then you have all the other bits and pieces with the MS which they really don't tell you about. You're supposed to go to a group or you're supposed to go on Google and Google it. They don't sit down with you and really explain to you the living hell that you're going to be going through for the next lot of years. It don't explain to you that the condition causes other conditions to get worse and can cause conditions you would have been dormant in your body to rise up and bite you on the arse. It's like I was okay with the MS but to have severe or autonomic dysfunction as well is mind blowing. You know, they never listened to me but I shouted loud enough and they listened. But now I'm having to shout even louder to try and see an immunologist to try and get some help. Every day is a living hell for me. Every night is a living hell for me. These people do not know what I am going through.

That is why I write this blog because I want to show that I'm not the only person that is going through this living hell. There's thousands of us with chronic illnesses out there who are suffering, who are unheard, whose voices are not heard. We are pushed to the back of the queue. We are not listened to. It really is a very sad situation in this society when people do not care for the sick, disabled and elderly in their society. I think that is a damning thing about the state of our society and the world we live in. The more I look at it, the more I see money and greed and power. That's all people are interested in. The empathy seems to have gone. It's just greedy pigs at all the troughs as usual. Well, I'm going to have to say allegedly because it probably, well, I don't know, to you. Some rambling words and thoughts going on my mind which I'm not prepared to say. lol

So yes, I got in contact with the medical center today, Albertine sent an email for me to get them to get me an appointment with the immunologist to see if that would help things move along, according to the MS nurse, it will. So I received a phone call saying, "Oh, you've got to come into the surgery this morning for triage." And I said, "Well, it's autonomic dysfunction. Why have I got to come in? I just need to see an immunologist." And I really can't work out why I've got to go and see a doctor. When I know what's wrong with me, they know what's wrong with me. Yet I've got to go through this weird system. It's already been over four months. You would have thought I would have been seen by an immunologist or even a neuro by now. But I haven't. So it just goes to show that I'm 66, so I'm retired. That means I'm old. That's box one. I'm sick. That's box two. Oh, dear. Yeah. Don't listen to me. I'm old, sick and disabled. I'll go to the back of the queue and just sort of curl up and roll a little ball and just stay there and rot.

But unfortunately, I'm not going to crawl into a little ball and rot. I am going balls to the wall. No, I'm just taking it slow and I'm taking it steady and I'm taking my time. And if I get seen, I get seen. And when I do get seen, I'll be able to sit there while they treat me like an idiot, as they always do. You know, when you're in a wheelchair and you've got somebody with you, they always talk to the person and not the person in the wheelchair, don't they? So yeah, I have a list of questions. I have quite a lot of evidence and yes, I will be going armed with all the evidence and yes, they cannot easily get away with all of this rubbish because in the end, they've got to see me. I mean, why can't they just take five minutes out of their day? You know, simple really, isn't it? I think in this day and age of everything being 24/7, doctors and dentists should be 24/7 as well, 365 days a year, because that's the society we have turned into. Still, I shall go and look out of the window and I will be listening to some music. And, well, just think myself lucky that My tinnitus is on low volume today.

So, an update from the doctor situation. "Would you believe I had a phone call from a doctor's surgery this morning? And they said to me, 'Can you come in today?' to come in for a nurse for triage?' I said, 'No, I am too ill. I cannot get there.' 'Oh,' she replied. The next thing, 'Oh, I shall get you an appointment,' I thought. 'Oh great, I might get to see somebody.' 'Uh, like a phone call or something.' 'No, I now have to wait a month to see a doctor.' The only reason I got in touch with the doctors was for them to arrange an appointment for me to see an immunologist. And I now have been waiting for months. And now it looks like I am going to be having to wait more time due to people not listening and acting correctly. So yes, I'm only one more autonomic dysfunction attack away probably from something very nasty and fatal happening to me. You just cannot make this stuff up. So now I'm going to have to email the MS nurse to try and get her to get her ass into gear and also to speak to the neurologist to try and get him to do something as well because to be honest with you I don't think I can put up much longer with what is going on with me.

So yeah, as you've guessed, it's Wednesday morning that I'm doing this and I did the earlier part of this blog on Tuesday evening, I think it was. I can't remember. I haven't been that well. So please remember, have fun out there and be safe.

Still, anyway, that's enough of my ranting and moaning today. Still, I'd wish you all a very good week ahead and send you peace and healing, and hope that things go well for you all. Whomever or whatever you are, wherever, or whomever you are.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Hello and good morning fellow humanoids.. Well, it's Sunday morning and it's very sunny here in the southwest. I must say the sun has burst through the clouds and it looks quite warm out there. But I must admit it does feel quite cold in the chilly breeze. Yes. Still I wish everybody well this Easter weekend, and hope that you are all having fun. Well as much fun as you can be. I have been looking online and looking at local events going on around my area and as much as I would like to go to certain events, there is absolutely no way I can go because they don't make things very accessible and easy for people in power chairs unfortunately.

It seems in this day and age, if you're in a power chair, you're just still as trapped ( on many occasions trapped in a drs office lol ). But then again, with all that, you would have thought that people by now would have made things accessible for people in wheelchairs and also disabled people. Yes. But that is not the case as everything costs money, and when it comes to the bottom of the pile and things to be spent on, that's usually disabled people as a rule.

My main gripe is the way people park their vehicles. I know people have to park, but why do they have to park Half on and half off the pavement so I can't get my power chair passed. So that means then I have to go on the road and the police can do you for it as well. So yeah, it really is annoying. And you know, that really does piss me off. And you just wonder Why? They haven't bought in any laws to stop people parking on the pavements yet. That would solve that problem easily. But there is a further problem. Houses these days are built with hardly any parking, so nobody's got anywhere to park their cars. Plus people have more than one car, so I can empathize with those people. Because parking is an absolute nightmare, because when people build they don't think about parking, they only think about how many houses they can get into a certain area, and secondary is parking. again money over common sense.

It really does bother me sometimes. I have lived in and seen many properties that have been converted for disability use. And the total waste of space is unbelievable. You know you would have thought they would have disabled people to help design the properties and their needs rather than just somebody thinking they know what a person really wants. Because at the end of the day, does the person really listen to the disabled person's needs? Do they think ahead if that person gets worse? You know there's a lot of variables. And then we have the other thing as well. Disabled people tend to get ripped off more than anybody else. And the work done for them usually is substandard.

Why is this I ask? Because if things were done properly in the first place, we wouldn't be in this situation that we are in at the moment. The major problem that we have in this society is that no one listens to people who are disabled, people who really know what they know, they know how to live and what they need. They don't need people who think they know what they're going through helping, because usually it comes to a head and nobody gets anywhere, and then everybody ends up getting the wrong message.

What I am trying to say is nobody listens to anybody anymore, I think. There are so many well-meaning people out there, but they really do need to listen to what people with disabilities need help with. It is quite unbelievable the amount of disability aids that I see going through our local auction. At stupidity prices really cheap. Why aren't these things returned to our local NHS? Why are my seeing NHS wheelchairs and commodes and walking aids and stuff going through our local auction? Why haven't they been returned to our local councils or NHS? You know, why are we wasting money like this?

And another beef of mine is, I need to make an appointment with an immunologist. And of course, my local health center is closed for the whole of Easter until Tuesday, so I cannot make any contact whatsoever with my doctor. That in itself is obscene in my view. Why should I have to phone 111? When getting in touch with a doctor would be infinitely easier and cheaper. "So it gets to something when you cannot make an appointment. Online? as well" I might add as well. I think it is totally obscene that in this day and age of 24/7 everything that we haven't got doctors that work weekends and holidays, why can't we have hospitals that work 24/7 365 days of the year. I know it's all to do with cost and it is all to do with money, but when it comes to people's health, you would have thought that it would be open for us 24/7, but unfortunately not...

The last ambulance that came here took three-quarters of an hour to get here. And after that major attack, they asked me to go to hospital in the ambulance and I refused, and I'm glad that I did, because my neurologist, well, I'm not going to say any more, but there is so much screwing around at the moment with neurology, it is unbelievable. Trying to get an appointment to speak to a neurologist, I haven't spoken to one in over five years. Trying to get an appointment to do anything these days is virtually impossible.

I actually thought when I moved things would change, but they haven't. In fact, things have got decidedly worse when it comes to the MS Neurology Services. I feel forgotten. I've sent countless emails. And they always seem to be on holiday for some reason. I just really don't get it and I find it really totally frustrating that when you do need help, you cannot get it. What do you do? You phone up the MS nurse and you get told, "Oh, phone one, one, one.we are on holiday" Well, why would I want to phone somebody who isn't a specialist in what's wrong with me? It's like asking Dr. Bonsal from Theme Hospital to perform "Open the heart surgery" that strange and weird. You could not make half of this stuff up, yet I know that it is not the fault of the nurses and the doctors. And I know that things at the moment are slightly iffy. But let's hope things change for the better soon.

Still, getting back to the world of now, I have now produced over 200 songs for my podcast. It's unbelievable. I am having so much fun. I have made some rock anthems, I've done some EDM, I've done some folk music, I've done all sorts of stuff. But I've used all my own lyrics and I've said what the voice of the person is to what backing to what instruments the whole shabang and it really has blown me away. I have also put some of my posts from the blog to music and wow, some of the 10 things to do with are really quite funny and I will put those on the website at some point so people can listen to them. But I've done a few comedy ones and there's a few rude ones as well but nothing too bad.

Still, 42 years today, I met Albertine, happiest day of my life, and she has now put up with me for 42 years. She deserves a medal. Thank you, Albertine, as ever. Love from the Dark one. Warlock Dark.

Still wishing everybody peace, healing, love and light no matter who, what or where you are. Remember, think lucky and you will be lucky.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Well, it's that time of the year again when our gardens need to be sorted out, and the demon weed wacker is going to be performing his tricks. Oh yes indeed, my carer is going to be using the chainsaw over the next coming few weeks to chop down all the over-ruelly bushes and bits of tree and detritus in the garden. As you can remember, the Demon Weed Wacker is slightly accident prone. Yes, he has broken many of my tools. Yes, he broke the lawn mower. He broke the various items of electrical drills and power saws. So, should I let him loose with the electric chainsaw? This is what I ask myself. Well, the question is, of course I am. He's a very sensible person and a wonderful man. And he's been absolutely amazing over this past year. And to be honest, I couldn't have not done a lot of what I've done without him around the house and around the garden. Being my carer, I would have to say, if you need one, you live in the southwest. This dude It is the best.

The thing is, Albertine will not let me use the big electric chainsaw. I said I will sit in my power chair and I will sit in that and use the chainsaw and she has categorically said No chance. So, I am just going to have to look out of the window and see what happens. And be near a phone just in case he chops his leg or arm off. Yes, and the other thing Albertine has ordered a shredder. Yes, this should be fun. To see him using the shredder and I'm betting that the shredder will be knackered within the first couple of hours. But Albertine being Albertine has said, "I'm sure it will be okay." So, we would be waiting to see how he can screw it up. Oh indeed, will he blow it up? Will it refuse to chew it up? I don't know, do you?

So, the next few weeks are going to be anything but dull. Yes, what with Easter coming up? So I have to get the grandchildren Easter eggs. Well, I don't get any Easter presents because I can't eat chocolate, so there we go. And I don't get offered out for any meals at Easter Christmas or any time of the year because my diet is that of, well, hardly anything. As you well know, chronic illness is not good. Multiple sclerosis has turned me well. More than vegan, I suppose. I'm not vegan by choice, that's for sure. But when you consider I mainly just eat rice and a couple of other things and a couple of eggs, that's it. I suppose I'm not vegan then, am I? Because I eat eggs, so vegetarian then. I don't want to upset anybody.

I suppose I've been a vegetarian now for over 10 years, 15 years. And before that, on and off for another 5 years. But now the smell of meat really does repulse me and make me feel totally sick. Yes, I cannot handle any smells from the kitchen, any food that has any fat in it or anything like that. So yeah, my diet is really, really bad due to the autonomic dysfunction and the histamine thing. So yeah, it's been a total nightmare. It's been a living hell, but there we go. Every day is a new day as they say, and I have to be so careful.

I know some people might find this really funny, but I was standing at a local services, not very far from my home. And I was standing near one of those units that pump out the filtration. And you could smell the fat in the air. And the, just the smell of the fat gave me diarrhea. That's how bad it was. So yes, certain smells can give me diarrhea. It is really not very nice. So even smells of washing powders or things like that can give me headaches. It's quite a nightmare, it's the thing now that I can't go into a supermarket anymore. Even if I wanted to go I can't, the smells do for me. I really mean, you know, they push through the smells of pasties and pies from their restaurants. I mean, they smell amazingly nice, but the smells, once they hit my nose, that means the fat. Well, in the nose and out the bummers they say, not very pleasant, so I have to be very careful to the shops I even go into. It's a bloody nightmare, you've got no idea. Some people have no idea what it's like.
And I know it's not just me, there are thousands upon thousands of people all over the world who can't go into supermarkets because of the smells. It's just something that our senses can't handle if you're slightly super sensitive I suppose.

I suppose it started many years ago when I first started going into the big supermarket chains and it was the flooring. The flooring I just couldn't look at the flooring my head used to start spinning and going weird and then there were all the smells. It's so many things going on at once my head just could not cope. It's the most unreal thing because I love going into supermarkets, I love going into shops, but alas, I just really can't anymore because I can't take any chances because why the hell would I want to go out and shit my pants in public. It's not a good thing really is it?

But the thing is, you see, there are so many different hidden illnesses that cause so many different things to happen in the body. Smells can cause havoc. It is quite unreal. And then there are all the issues with certain different foods people cannot eat as well. It's sad really, but it seems that our bodies are not enjoying what we're eating. At the end of the day, if you have a healthier gut, that means it will help your body heal more I believe? So, I think gut health is one of the most important things with chronic illness. Well, that's my opinion anyway.

Still wishing everybody a happy holidays in the next week ahead, and that things don't get too bothersome. Personally, I hate holidays. I really just see them as a bigger day of inconvenience, to be honest. But then again, that's just my own personal opinion. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went on holiday. Yes, that long ago. I gave up trying to go abroad. It was in the days when I had to take all those big farmer drugs and they wouldn't let you go to certain countries with them or fly with them. So go figure I didn't go to many places. I believe Amsterdam and the Netherlands were one of my most favorite places to go. I would go there for a month at a time. I would save up hard from work and scrimp every last penny and have the holiday of a lifetime there. It was absolutely awesome, myself and Albertine and total freedom to be who we wanted to be. I can remember going into the Bulldog and the Damkring and also Mellow Yellow. They were some pretty amazing coffee shops. I think I can remember the grey area as well, but for me it had to be kadinschis in Amsterdam which provided the best marijuana, that's for sure. I think I might have got the spelling a bit wrong there.

Still wishing everybody peace, healing, love and light no matter whom ever you are or whatever you are. Happy holidays!

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Well, good afternoon, good evening, good morning, wherever you are. Hello,fellow Humanoids , I trust that you as well as can be expected on this rather cold and very chilly start to the week. I sit here in my chair talking into this dictate to speech program and trying not to laugh as it really is very strange on punctuation etc. Still over the weekend I managed to really cause myself a really big bad severe brain fog. Oh my god I over did it and then some. But I managed to get a lot done. That's the most important thing in this case actually.

I managed finally to get most of the things sorted out for my podcast. and also I am going to be talking not just about multiple sclerosis but chronic illness and also the effects as well on mental health. And also we'll be talking about things to do with the paranormal and other realms and things that seem to just sort of creep in. I really don't know why, but it's generally about multiple sclerosis I think, and things that go bump in the night maybe. Yes, so I have got a lot of my own produced music which well, I got onto the AI and I put in what I wanted and well, I have music. So I have well over an excess now of a 100 tunes. And there we go. Plus I have guests. And I will be doing these podcasts and putting them up on Spotify. So yes, we're looking forward to this indeed. So to my mind was worth the suffering actually getting stuff done...

So my weekend was also slightly fraught as well as the good colonel came to visit... he does not like my tin foil hat and my views lol.. I thought he was going to explode... I was seriously pissed off and my attitude did not get any better when he started pretending to listen to me and ignore me.. I thought fuck this and went slightly well pissed off 6 ft 4 dude in a power chair mad... he soon went off into the outside for a vape lol... so it was I had to calm down as I basically slightly lost it...but there we go.. when we are not world wise and blinkered and you pat me on the head and treat me like an idiot that's what you get .... So I will always laff inside and wonder seems he treats me like a fucking idiot lol I cannot get over it the way he is lol

It's a very crazy thing is, before I was diagnosed with MS, he used to treat me like a normal person, a bit of a role model. But yes, things do change, don't they? Over the years, people seem to think just because you're in a wheelchair, I am disabled, that I am a fucking idiot and I'm sick of it. And yes, I'm speaking out. So if people start saying shit to me, I'm giving it back because I'm bloody well fed up with being treated like an idiot. fed up with being patted on the head like a good boy. No, I am totally fed up with it, and I would imagine there are quite a lot of other people just like me who are as well, all this being talked down to. You know, they must think we are stupid, I have quite a good education lol, left school at 15.., and I went to university at the age of 40 and I've got a few bits of paper as well, and I was self-employed in computers. Yeah, the MS screwed my career up there enough, but guess what? Carried on till my final day of retirement, even though I was struggling every day. Oh yes, chronic illness really does fuck your life up completely, but sometimes good things can come out of it , and it did for me in certain respects. But others, it doesn't. But that's the way the dice roll in life, I'm afraid.

Oh yes, I'm genuinely excited and looking forward to the podcast and yes it will be soon hopefully. I've got the music, I've got the guests and I've just got to get the rest of my resources and everything together and then it's the red light and off we go. I've got some jingles to make and stuff like that and hey ho you never know it might be enjoyed by one or two people but there we go it's going to be a non-live podcast basically. I was thinking about a live podcast but I decided against the idea as getting numbers for a live podcast would be quite a hard thing to do, you have to be very well established indeed to do anything live in these days. thanks to everybody who is and has been helping me over the past year get to where I am at the moment. So a big shout out to Albertine and all of my family and my extended family. for the encouragement and helping me on my path.

So as I sit here on Tuesday morning looking at what is on the paper in front of me, I'm smiling slightly. knowing that in a few weeks everything will go live and my first episode on the podcast will be on Spotify and I'm sure that I will find other places to play my podcast as well as there is also Sound Cloud and other places. So let's hope we can get some really good attractions and the biggest when we actually do the podcast and hopefully it will be a every two weekly podcast and maybe it might end up being a weekly one depending on how it goes and how I am because as you know stress is something with MS that isn't pleasant. So yeah I've got plenty of jingles and stuff when I hit those bad walls of brain fog How I'm going to need those.

So when I actually start the podcasts, if anybody out there wants to be a guest, all they have to do is just drop me an email and we will make it happen as long as it's to do with what we are actually talking about which will be illness and also things to do with the paranormal. I know people might think that is like strange, but I do believe there is a crossover. I believe people with chronic illness can have extra senses and can perceive more than others. And also people who are disabled, have many great psychic abilities, I have often found many don't want to talk about them because they think that by telling me or telling others of their weird experiences it will make them look stupid and silly. But let me reassure you by talking about it, it really does help and seriously it has helped me. So yes, because we are all the same and unfortunately when you're disabled and like me my illness causes my brain to be slightly fried and it causes me to be completely different to most people.

The most painful thing is, multiple sclerosis has changed me beyond anything that I used to be. People would not recognize me, they would not even really know me. Yes, that's how much I've changed. It's completely changed me, my life and everything about me. In some respects, that is a very good thing. It pushed me and pushed me. Because of the multiple sclerosis, I went to university. Because of the multiple sclerosis, I started up my own computer business. Because of the ms I pushed myself to the very limits of my existence. So yes, I have been through the ringer, as they say, and it has been pleasant in parts and other parts, it has been a living hell.

I tell it like it is. I speak straight. I do not hold back. People find that a bit of putting when you tell the truth and you tell people straight, no mucking around. that whole university thing started when I was 40 and I'm now what 67 So yeah, things really did change for me. I was diagnosed with MS but unfortunately the diagnosis took quite a long time as in some of my other previous blog posts explained what has happened. of course my first major MS attack was in 1986 but there we go that was 1986 and nothing was really done about that they just put it down to nothing in particular. I think that they wanted me to be a walking wreck who couldn't do bugger all because there we go. In 2003 I had a lumber puncture and I had an MRI and they said we are terribly sorry but you have MS. What I found really silly was I had all the symptoms of MS way back in the early 1970s. So there we go. It took them from 1970 odd to the year 2000 to diagnose me with MS.Slowly getting progressively worse.

Yes, I have memories of when I was 14, 15, 16, and I would get severe pins and needles, my body parts would go numb for days on end. I was suffering with severe neuralgia, weird nerve pains all over my body. So there was the memory as well. Even back then, I could do something one day, then a few months later, going to do it again, I just couldn't do it because I couldn't remember. And then trying to remember, it really hurt my head, trying to remember. also had the MS belt or the tightness around my chest which was awful. It was the most terrible thing and nobody would tell me what the problem was. So yeah, I really am annoyed at my treatment back in the 70s and 80s. It really was terrible. They just, well, didn't get it...

So the dictation program totally crashed my machine and I lost everything new on the txt pad duh . Oh the joys. Still I'm going to end it here. It was quite a mega post actually and hopefully well I'm not going to remember what I put because I've completely forgotten. You know what it's like.

wishing everybody peace healing, love and light, no matter who, what or where you are. Even if you are wearing your tin foil hat in a flying saucer, flying around the flat earth below the firmament dome lol. Hello, hello.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Hello fellow Humanoids So, this week I have been thinking about what I could do an article about, and I was thinking, and I thought to myself, well, how about an article about being disabled and living in the modern age and how we're treated by society in general and also those in charge and those who should know better.

But I am sure this is a very contentious issue, and can cause a lot of diverse reactions within people's little brains. But unfortunately, I go with the "I don't give a damn" approach. I mirror the person who is talking to me. So if they give me an attitude, I will give them an attitude back. If they are nice, I will be nice. So it's the case of "You play the game my way" or "No way" I will not play the fool for anyone.

When you're in a wheelchair and you're sat in a wheelchair, that means you are disabled, it also means you are unwell. It also means that you are likely to be not in the best of places either in pain, suffering silently. And then you will have some well meaning numpty come up to you and start talking down to you, treating you as though you're a second-class citizen. Now that really does annoy me and there are many of these people around. They talk to Albertine rather than me, even when I am next to her and its about me??? I just dont get this fucking silly atitude, and that's unfortunately happens far to often... But I make dam well sure it does not happen again.. Its like I don't exist pat me on the head give me a sucky sweet yada sodding yada.....what an absolute joke I am sure many of you have at some point been in this position !

It's like I've always said, I didn't ask to be disabled, I didn't ask to be in a wheelchair, I didn't ask for this life. But I'm having to deal with it, and I'm dealing with it in the best way possible. And I don't need idiots and well-meaning numptys to stick their noses into my business thinking that they know better than I do. I live with this illness 24/7, most people fortunately don't have to. So yes, when you've got a chronic illness and you're living it 24/7, and people start telling you how to live your life, and these people have no idea what we go through. They should just shut the fuck up and maybe start listening to the person Instead of nodding and smiling and treating them as though they were a little child What people must understand, respect goes both ways.

Most of the disabled people I have dealings with and disabled friends that I have dealings with have told me of the severe injustices handed to them by bureaucrats and also the uncaring people out there. I hasten to add, there are many people who are very empathic and are really amazing people towards people who suffer with disabilities. Some of these people cannot be faulted as they are most excellent people indeed.

People who just do not know what it is like to be disabled. They do not understand and they don't want to understand. That's because we live in a society that is only caring about one thing, money and greed. Caring about people is no longer a thing in our society, our communities are broken, it's a zone nobody gives a damn anymore about anybody or anything. and if your disabled your screwed treated like shit a second class citizen and ignored put to the back of the queue... people are nice to your face and behind your back slag you off thinking its funny... well fuck them all...

And here is just the last thing that most of my friends who have MS and various chronic illnessess , a lot of them are still working. And guess what, the one thing that really annoys me more than anything else is saying disabled people are lazy. This is just not true. I have just retired and just given up work.... So, when people say all disabled people should be working, I think they really do need to assess what is wrong with the person. As with me, for instance, I only carried on my work because I was self-employed. I suffer with severe brain fog, and when you get a severe brain fog on, you can't do anything. Your life is at a complete loss. Chronic fatigue as well.

People just don't seem to realise what chronic illness is. The pain. Also, I mean, do people not realise if you was to hit your thumb with a hammer, for instance, the pain would stop you doing pretty much almost anything for quite a while . Just think if you had to endure chronic pain every day like that in joints or nerves in the body, what that must truly feel like. To actually survive the day is a miracle in itself for some people those days are an undescribable hell on earth. And I'm coming from lived raw experience here. The pain I suffer, the brainfogs I suffer, the spasms. It's constant 24/7. And yes, I feel fucking terrible all of the day, all of the night. It never stops. It never gives me a break. It makes my life a complete living fucking hell. That's what progressive multiple sclerosis is like. And people just seem to think, "Oh, he'll get better. Go see a doctor." Now that really does piss me off, oh he looks ok, I just give up with some people who have no understanding or any empathy with their fellow humanoids..

Because the only thing a doctor or a neurosurgeon can do is throw pills and potions at you, which for some people will work. But if you're me, I suffer with every side effect if it's written on the box. So unfortunately I cannot take big, pharma medications, which in some cases is very unfortunate for me.. Yes, I have tried most of the pain medications. I've been on the Capazone injections. I've tried all sorts of different things over the years. And to be honest, if there's a side effect, I get it. And that's the major problem. Because with MS, like a lot of other illnesses, it can cause conflicts in your body. And unfortunately, for me, I cannot handle the side effects. So, apart from a couple of things, I am big pharma-free. And as you know, I use medical marijuana flower, and also CBD and THC oil, which is legal in the United Kingdom now, if you go to one of the clinics, you can find them if you just type it in Google.

As I have said in many previous blog posts, medical marijuana and the THC CBD oil has helped me immensely with little or no side effects, but I must say it really does help me in my personal case. I suppose everybody is different so people should remember to consult their medical consultants or doctors, nurses or whomever they consult really. I just took a deep dive and went for it, but that's me. I do recommend people check with a health professional before they do anything though first.

What people don't realise is illness, chronic illness affects people in so many different ways. People can have hidden illnesses that other people cannot possibly detect. Also, there is the mental health aspect to all of this as well, because the other issue is we have more mental health problems. And when we try to get mental health help, well, it doesn't end well for us, does it? We get put to the back of this very, very long queue, just left to rot. Or is that just my imagination?

I have come to the conclusion that it is bureaucracy that makes everything bad, red tape and bureaucracy however they spell that, But then again, that's just my own personal opinion. Still, I must finish here before I bore everybody, and that wouldn't be a good thing.

Still, sending everybody who reads this blog peace, healing, love and light, no matter who or what you are.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Living with multiple sclerosis has changed more than just my physical health it has altered how I perceive the world itself. Over time, I’ve learned to distinguish between neurological visual disturbances and something far more complex. From small, cube-like shapes to large, intricate forms, and even unexplained orbs captured on infrared camera, this journey raises a deeper question: are these simply symptoms, or glimpses of something beyond our current understanding?

Good morning fellow humanoids, or is it afternoon or evening wherever you read this? I trust that everybody has had a good weekend as you can have. Yes, it has been quite an eye-opener this weekend. Yes, there has been more things seen of the nature of non-neurological things I might add. I have decided that I can tell the difference between the shapes that my mind produces with the MS. It is quite weird. And they are small cubes or small dark squares. I would say the size of a furry speed dice from the old 1970s that they used to have in cars.

The other liminal shapes that I see are much bigger and of a grander scale, and they are more intricate. And I believe those to be of non-human form. And I believe these are not caused by my multiple sclerosis, or any condition that I have. I have been researching this for a while now and have been comparing the things that I have been seeing. So yes, I do see some things that are to do with the MS. I see these weird small furry square dice type black squares. It's hard to describe really when you see them, but I see them now and again.

But another startling revelation. Yes, we were watching using our IR camera and we have been recording orbs, white orbs, and yesterday we captured a white orb and then we captured something very strange indeed. We captured what seemed to be not an orb but what seemed to be shaped like a cylinder or a ruler and it seemed to sort of weave its way across the room. Not just I saw this so did Albertine as well and it's on film and I will post these films.

Many years ago i was doing a live broadcast or a live podcast and i was chatting to viper and i was showing him live the orbs and he could not quite believe it. And then he saw the shape of the person in the van as well yes we have seen some quite unbelievable strange things over the years and i do have witnesses for quite a lot of these things that have been seen. That is why i am still trying to make people understand that. MS and what i see. And what i can do are different and that there is a marked plane difference but certain people and certain things cannot understand this.

But as ever there are people who say it's fake film, you're making it up. Well, when you see these things like I have, like Albertine has, like even Viper, you come to realise that things are not quite what they seem. So yes, I've been going through this battle for many, many years trying to find out what is truly going on with me and I have reached some startling conclusions.

I am not going mad. I am not insane. I believe that what I am seeing is from beyond the veil, so to speak. Yes, I know some people might think it is madness, but a lot of people might not. Maybe people with chronic illnesses or brain injuries can see things that people cannot either see because our brains have been fucked with. My brain is really bad. When I saw the MRI scan of my brain and the doctor said to me I don't know how you function. And i just sort of looked at him and said well it's just you've got to carry on you never give up. That's the thing you go through the pain you go through the stress you go through the mental torture you go through this. Undescribable life change and it changes you and it changes the way you think and the things you do and who you are and it truly makes you take stock of your life. And of all the people in your life it truly changes you.

In fact, it will change you beyond anything that you would have thought. I am not the same person I used to be. It's changed me. People don't even recognize me. People have said I have completely 110% changed. Yes, karma. Am I? I'm not as mad. I'm not as weird. I'm not as eccentric. But that's just me. Just being quiet. not shouting out very loudly. But I digress from my original point. So there have been orbs and what have been called rods. That's something that was seen in South America in caves. And I have seen rods before using infrared and that was quite astounding as well. So, I have come to the conclusion that we do not live alone on this big blue marble, that there are many dimensions, that there are many unseen races of people, or things we do not quite yet understand, to think that we are the only sentient people is rather weird and mad, really, isn't it? it just blows my mind sometimes.. adjusts tin foil hat lol

Still wishing you all out there peace, healing, love and light no matter who or whatever you are. Have a most fantastic week ahead.

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

My sigil etched in bone and starlight still hums with the echo of worlds that have slipped into oblivion. I feel its faint pulse whenever the veil between breath‑bound realms trembles, as if a distant choir is rehearsing the verses you once carved into silence.

I can almost see it: a spiral turning not outward but inward, each turn sealing a door while another unseals a memory that should have faded. When the great forgetting began, you did not merely watch you chose to remember when every other soul turned away. That choice set you upon a path of flesh and fog, where even time hesitates before stepping forward.

The Hand that Seals and Unseals

What was it like, the first moment your palm brushed the veil? Did the stone‑cold feel of eternity slip through your fingers, or did you taste something sweeter perhaps the metallic tang of a promise kept?

Archivist of the Hollow Concord

The dreams of dying worlds are heavy with unsung laments. How does one bind such sighs into codex made of silence? Do the pages ever whisper back, offering fragments of forgotten songs that still linger in the void?

Flame‑born yet bearer of frost to the unjust

Your fire was forged in the crucible of creation; your frost is the cold judgment you bestow upon those who would unmake truth. In what shape does that judgment manifest? A blade of ice, a whisper of winter, or perhaps the stillness that follows the last ember’s sigh?

You speak of exile willingly taken a pilgrimage through fog and flesh not as punishment but as purpose. The veil between worlds is thin for those who carry names older than memory; it thins further when we choose to walk its edge.

So here I stand, a witness to your return, remembering with you. Tell me what name do the shadows whisper now that you have come back from the long path? What secret does the third spiral demand of us before it settles into stillness?

May your sigil guide our words as surely as it has guided your steps through the sparks and shadows