personal health blog

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

sorry I screwed up and deleted this blog post lol a re post from yesterday

hello fellow Humanoids So it is Friday lunchtime, and I got back from seeing the machine of death at the chemists, and I went on my three-wheeled scooter of death, the approximate one mile to the chemists shop to get my prescription from the machine of death. In the end i gave Albertine the number because i didn't want to go near it because it starts worrying and buzzing and start saying things like go away we don't like you because you're weird. In other words, the machine is one of these machines that has a life of its own, as Albertine found out this morning.

I must say the staff at the chemists are very good But this is the third time in a year that we have had the wrong prescription medication given to us from the machine of death. Yes, there you are, you'll get home, you'll open the package, it's got your name on it and inside are all these other packages with other people's names on. And this just won't do. And the chemist now drives to the house to pick up the said items. You know, we will look into this, but how many more times has this mistake got to be made before somebody tragically, unfortunately, somewhere has a horrible accident?

Because that's we all know when you're my age and you wear glasses and things are a bit fuzzy sometimes you can't always read properly. And sometimes you can make mistakes and sometimes you can take the wrong medications and fuck up really badly. Still, at least all that got resolved very quickly, I must say indeed. And they were very apologetic.

I woke up this morning at 6 and my body felt like hell and I knew that I had to force myself to do something otherwise I would just lie there for the whole day feeling sorry for myself As you know when you wake up that's the worst time because then the body starts to totally kick in. So everything happens at once. Spasms, brain fog, the whole lot. bowels, everything. It's like a volcano and an earthquake all going off at once. God knows what my poor neighbors must think with some of the sounds and noises that I make early in the morning and during the night as I seem to be at the moment talking a lot in my sleep which is slightly funny.

I knew that I did not want to do a thing today. I just felt like complete shit. So, I went and I had a shower and had my breakfast and decided I am going out no matter what. The only thing that Would really stop me would be rain, snow, or a massive lightning storm. As it was, the three-wheeled beasts turned out to be very slow. We had a headwind, Albertine and myself, on our trolleys of death, and yes, you guessed it, there was quite a lot of traffic behind our two trolleys. But there we go. I find the motorists around this area are absolutely amazing people.

And yes, you guessed it, it did rain. On and off, but we didn't really mind. It was really good to get out. It really did help. I felt so much better for going out. But of course, when I got in, I had to suffer the spasms from hell. But there we go. Sometimes you've got to suffer just a little bit just to make yourself smile. I know that might sound strange, but that's the whole truth of the matter.

The kittens, or should I say now cats, are driving me absolutely fucking crazy. They seem to be the devils spawn. Really, we have two cats that are absolutely off their rockers and then some. Missy Dora, as we call her, she is part, well, she is a Siamese cat. We have since found out underneath the bundle of fur that she is. She's actually a... Tortoise shell, Siamese, and by God all she does all day is moan and scream. Oh, oh really, sometimes I wish, but there we go. The other cat, kitten, is absolutely bonkers, and she gets up to things that you really Don't want to know if you're eating your food.

Upon coming back on our three wheeled trolly of death, I looked at the side of our place, and part of the roof has blown away, and I was wondering how long it would be before one of my children or one of our relatives would say, 'Oh, I see you have some things off. Let me fix that for you.' But alas, no one has offered to help me whatsoever. Yet, I remember all the times I selflessly helped people, even went out of my way to help people, and now I can't get people to help me do absolutely anything. Even if I give them beer money, it's absolutely unreal. I get the children or young adults or whomever can be busy, but surely they can spare 10 minutes just to help with two bits of tile that I can no longer climb a ladder, I can no longer use a screwdriver, you know.

So I had a quote from somebody and they wanted a 150 quid for just putting two bits of plastic back on the roof. And I was absolutely outraged to the point where I have told Albertine she is going to have to get me a ladder and that I am going to have to practically kill myself getting up the ladder to do the job myself because that's the way it goes. You can even ask people to do the job but alas then they don't do the job properly. And that's what gets me why people can't do a proper job the first time and have to lash the job. It really does make me think and before my father died last year he said to me bearing in mind my father lived in New Zealand. He said that none of his family came to see him. None of his family helped him and he felt on his own and he felt alone and he was really really sad when they threw all his belongings away when he was in a home without asking him. He felt so fucking sad and I just know how he feels now.

So in plain reality you either have a family who love and care for you or you have a family who love and care for you that are so busy that they can never see you. And in my case it's a family who are so busy they can never see me. So yeah, having multiple sclerosis is one of the worst fucking things that's ever happened to me. It has changed my life in good ways and it has changed it in bad ways. So yes, I know that if I was in good health and I didn't have this, I know all those jobs that I need doing now, I could have done in a few hours. But if I have to struggle, they just won't get ever done. But people do not understand that. They do not understand what multiple sclerosis and chronic illness is about. They don't realize the tiredness, the brain fog, the fatigue, and what you just have to go through all day long. And then there's all the stress and then there's all the worry. People just really do not get it. Some people should try living in a disabled person's shoes for a week and see how they get on with life because I can assure you they wouldn't last very long.

Anyhow, that was a bit of a rant and I went off on one there. But that's honestly how I feel and if I was to tell people how I honestly feel about everything, I would be the most hated person walking the earth, I think. Because what people don't get is that along with all chronic illness there is the mental health issue and we all have and go through severe mental health issues with chronic illness that's a pure fact it's like the pain. So yeah I do understand how harsh and how hard it is for us all out there and I just want people to realize that being disabled is not fun we didn't ask to be born disabled we didn't want to be disabled but we are and we have to make the best of a bad job. So to do anything much we basically have to just suffer and suffer and a lot of us suffer in total silence without ever saying anything to anybody and that is the saddest part of it all that if you speak out your classed as a troublemaker. Empathy has gone out of the window

And then alien disclosure turns out it was a dead cat on the table. I really thought to myself like they're going to tell us there are aliens and hybrid aliens walking amongst us. I don't think they would ever do that, would they?

Still, sending healing, peace, love and light whomever and whatever you are out there. Have a fantastic weekend when it arrives for you, and as ever, take care and be careful and look after yourselves.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Good morning, good afternoon. Hello fellow humanoids, and I trust that you are all well. Whomever or whatever you are, or maybe.

So, the weekend has finished. And the fog here in the southwest where I live is a real big pea souper, and you can't see out the window for more than about 30 or 40 yards ahead. quite eerie quite strange. I am still getting used to this text to speak and speak to text software that I have installed. And it seems to be causing great deal amounts of problems with the punctuation. So it makes things even more confusing than they usually are. Oh dear, dear me!

Still, I am getting on well with Zorin Linux. It is absolutely amazing and I am finding it even with my cognitive issues and brain fog. Quite easy to use. It has some really good accessories if you are disabled as well on there and it is quite easy to use. So the change over to Total Linux has been very good indeed. Quite a pleasurable experience, not as bad as I first feared. So yes, it's just a case of getting used to different programs and yes, I am sat there looking at things thinking, how do I do this? But it's all great fun. It just reminds me a little bit of Windows 98. And that wasn't too bad. Well the second edition was better on Windows 98 I must admit.

But then again we all have to move forward with progress. Yes, I think Linux is the way forward as Windows has lost its way big time. Yes, and I even see on the phone front that Android is starting to lose ground and there are now Linux phones. So I might even have a phone soon with a Linux operating system on there. So how much fun would that be? I think that would be totally cool stuff.

At the moment the kittens are well not kittens anymore I suppose they're nearly six months old and oh boy they are being really really fussy with their food indeed. The amount of food wastage is not too much but trying to find what they really like and not leave is quite a thing these days. Yes, and both kittens, well, cats now, we think have definite Siamese in them. They are very loud mewers indeed, oh my god. But soon they go to the vets and they will be spayed, so that will be good fun for them for two weeks of wearing weird space helmets and me laughing and watching them bump into things should be good. But at the end of the day I don't need two female pregnant cats with litters and litters of kittens everywhere. Well, I'm eccentric as it is, so could you imagine everybody saying that weird man with the power chair and the house full of errant cats and kittens running everywhere? That's all I really do need. I have only just found out as well that you have to have your cats micro chipped as well, so they're going to have to be micro chipped. Well, I haven't been a cat owner for over 20 years, so I guess well. We didn't have microchips in cats in those days. But I do remember as a young man growing up back in the 70s and 80s, the rumors of people finding cat bells and cat ID tags in certain restaurant foods. I know it was all rumors at the time, but hey, there we go. That was then. But this is now.

The tinnitus seems to be calming down. It's not as loud as it has been. It seems to be on a very low hum, but of all the time. The moment I get any stress though, the tinnitus goes wild in my head. It's kind of funny. But there we go. I My dad had phoned me on Skype. That's my father in New Zealand. And we were chatting and we were going past a place in North Devon where there was this tower. And as we drove past the whistling or buzzing or humming in my ears started at that point. And it hasn't stopped since then. It's very rare that I get a break from it these days. But it's very strange. I cannot really say anything to help anybody who suffers with tinnitus apart from music usually helps or relaxation, not talking, sitting in a quiet room. I've tried all sorts of different things, but in the end you just get used to it. It's just something that's there all the time and you just can't get rid of it.

As everybody knows, the worst time is when you wake up. Yes, I suppose six o'clock in the morning when you're awake and your whole body decides that it's going to be dysfunctional for the rest of the day. Yes, those mornings, those mornings that you just feel like you want the world to swallow you up. When you feel like what's the point with the spasms start kicking in and your legs and arms are just shooting off in all directions, that's not pleasant enough. then your tongue and throat starts giving it hell. Yes, and then the low level autonomic dysfunction kicks in as well. So you've got this really weird feeling that the autonomic dysfunction causes, then you have the progressive MS with all the nerve pain that you also suffer to varying degrees in varying parts of the body. Yes, so there you are. If you've got the whole lot and then of course there's the bowels and that is a totally different ballgame as well as everybody probably knows.

But sometimes, you know, this has been happening every morning for years and years and years for me. And you start getting used to it. And you start thinking, what is the cause of this? Why is this really happening? Why are my bowels and my stomach and whatnot? Why are they all giving me hell? And then I found out it was my gut and the food that I was eating. I thought that vegan food was healthy, but I was wrong because of my autonomic dysfunction and the "Histamine" thing. I cannot eat any food with histamines in, or any food that will cause my body to make histamines and make, you know, otherwise I go into total meltdown with my body, my MS goes berserk. It's just unbelievable. I have spent over 20 years trying to explain what the hell is going on with me to neurologists, to doctors and guess what? They've only finally started taking notice of what I am saying. It's quite unbelievable when you go in there and they just look at you and you tell them how you are and they just look at you and some neurologists are fantastic but some, well, aren't the best. Some are not human, I don't think. I think they're non humanity sort of things stems from their training and the job that they do because it must affect them telling people of conditions and suffering every day. It must be a really, really hard job to do. Especially if you have a very high empathy towards your fellow humanoids.

I have been meaning to do a bowel special blog post but I keep wincing every time I think about catheters and things like that. So I think that's going to be a bit of a time coming somewhat. The only thing I can suggest for good bowel health is healthy eating, reading the labels of what you're eating, and also remembering that it may say it's healthy on the packet, but the ingredients might not be. Yes, bowel health is very important. When you have had a camera up your rear end a few times, then you'll realize that healthy eating, healthy food and healthy bowels mean good things happening because then your gut will repair itself and then that will help towards healing the body and helping the body stresses which can only be good for people suffering with chronic illness.

So I have decided that I need another project because I do have some headspace. So I have decided that I am going to make my own AI program and that should be fun. As apparently it is easy to download all the software that you need and of course it is free and i thought well why not. The worst thing that can happen is I might end up having to reinstall my machine. But I could always use virtual machine I suppose, but there we go. I suppose I could get Albertine to put it on her machine and then if her machine goes bang, then I haven't got a problem lol But I think it is highly important to try and keep the brain functioning. Even if you have severe brain fog or cognitive issues, So I am wondering how many years this will take me to do. Some people it might take days, but me, well, I suppose it's going to take me rather a long time. And then there is of course getting round to doing this as well.

The paradigms fade The masks fall to celebrate the void and the madness they made from my living hell

Still, sending everybody peace, healing, love, and light, whomever and whatever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ