brain fog

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

I used a power chair and a chainsaw to take down a tree. I did NOT consult my body first.

Good afternoon fellow humanoids and N H I , Well, what can I say? This weekend I've completely overdone it. I've used every last spoon up. I've completely exhausted myself in the garden, trying to do some work. Now, you may laugh, but a tree surgeon costs quite a lot of money. And I got it in my head that in my power chair, I can sit in it with a chainsaw and chop down the offending tree thing. Well, the power saw, chainsaw arrived yesterday, and of course, I'm sat in the garden. And guess what? Even in my power chair, and also chair that I used to sit in the shower in I used, I managed to chop down half a tree. And loads of other things with a bloody great big chainsaw. Oh my God, I must say, I was as nervous as hell. And my God, I'm surprised, Albertine, let me loose with a 12-inch plus inches of chainsaw. Oh my God, I know a lot of people would say, "What the fucking hell are you doing?"

Some would say not in my right mind

Well, I think it comes as no surprise really that I do some very strange things. And this is probably a sign of stranger things to come, I would have thought. But yes, you can have a power chair and you can have progressive multiple sclerosis. No feeling in your arms and legs and completely tatered and operate a quite lethal power saw, chainsaw, it's unbelievable. And I did it what I perceived to be quite safely with my very focal glasses and my, well, trusty leather motorcycle gloves. So, yes, if you'd have asked me 20 or 30 years ago to use a chainsaw, I would have given you a categorical, no bloody way. But as they say, needs must when the devil drives. Unfortunately, I'm not a rich man. I'm only on a state pension, unfortunately. I can't afford a tree surgeon and I don't know anybody who will chop it down for free. So there we go. So the cost of a hundred quid for a cheap electric chain saw from Amazon. Hey presto, job done. I'm feeling really good about myself at this moment in time because I've achieved a milestone and something I never thought I would do.

At the expense of my health.

Well, as the adrenaline wears off, yes, you've guessed it, I'm coming crashing down. Yes, yes, yes, I have completely overdone it. Tinnitus is getting louder, the brain fog is, well, starting to cloud in and I can't feel my arms and legs anymore, and I can feel my throat and it feels like I'm being strangled. So the old auto-immune is giving me some crap as well now. So pins and needles in my hands ferociously now and of course all offs as well in the neck. And I've also got the belt as well, which is really tight and is always making me feel sick for some unknown reason. But still, there we go, fellow humanoids. Let's just say it's a win for me today.

Thought for the day.

"Remember, goblin." "Don't overdo it." "It doesn't end well, but you cannot be told, can you?" "No, you can't, and you won't even listen to yourself."

so I'm sending you all out there peace-healing love and light, no matter whom or whatever you are, or wherever you are in this world.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

This is my reality.

So good morning fellow humanoids and E-T-I. So yes, this morning I had a massive autonomic dysfunction. Attack. It wasn't very pleasant, it was a near ambulance calling situation again this morning. But there we go. What do I do? What do I do in this situation I ask myself? Do I phone for the ambulance, only to be taken to hospital and prodded and poked, and then not understanding what the fuck's going on because nobody will listen to what's actually going on with me?

Gaslighting

They will put it down to my heart like they always do and then they will try and frighten me and then a few weeks later I will go back to them and say well you've got it wrong again haven't you especially when the ECG came back and proved them wrong. And that it was the autonomic dysfunction in the first place that caused my heart irregularities that I am suffering with, yet I'm not seeing a heart specialist, I'm not seeing an immunologist and I'm not seeing a neurologist, I've been left at the back of the list to rot in fucking hell! ....

It actually comes to something when you have to research and do self-diagnostics yourself to get to the bottom of what is actually wrong with you and why doctors cannot. It really does piss me off. It seems when you're in a power chair and you have progressive multiple sclerosis, you're treated like a fucking vegetable. And that, oh, they'd rather talk to the person with you who is standing next to the wheelchair than the actual person in the wheelchair and take what they have to say seriously and listen, It really is disgusting.

When the Body Shuts Down

So, as I sit here and I'm going through the end of this, it just feels awful. I feel awful. I hate these attacks when the mind just totally freaks out and the body just goes. And you know what's coming next? It's those frightening experiences that one can go through when your body totally shuts Down and then of course the inevitable will you come back from that. Luckily I have come back three times now from 3 total shutdowns, which is quite surprising.

There were no ambulances and doctors, no. It was just me, my wife and a medical AI. If it had been left to 111, they took over a day to get back to me. That really did help, didn't it? The ambulance took nearly an hour and, well, I would have been dead and gone by then. When they did the ECG, they said I had to go into hospital in some urgency. Due to I was going to be suffering a massive stroke due to the ECG pointing out irregularities in my ECG.

Autonomic dysfunction, flare up

Now, knowing that what I was going through was an autonomic dysfunction, flare up, shut down, attack thing, I knew what was going to happen and I knew that blood clotting, anti-blood clotting, injections, etc, etc, etc, all that stuff's not going to help me in this situation. So I decided not to go into hospital with this in November. And ever since then I have been fighting tooth and nail with the MS service and well with no luck to be honest it seems I'm going round in circles and I'm getting this letter together for pals because I'm fed up.

I've been going round and round and round in circles for over ten years and I'm getting sick of the fucking gaslighting that's going on with everything. I just want to get sorted out and have peace of mind for once. Take away all that stress and all that horribleness that I go through every day. I just want to know what's going on with me. I need some help and nobody wants to fucking help me. It's just not fair.

Ignored by the System

I know that I'm not the only one out there that is going through this, as there are many with chronic illnesses that go through a living hell regularly every day, every minute of the day, and they suffer due to people's incompetence or just general lack of knowledge. I know the NHS does its best with what it has, and I know the staff do their best, but the red tape and bureaucracy is a joke. It has now got to that point where if I can help it, I do not go to the doctors whatsoever. I only go in dire emergencies because to be honest with you, I really have an aversion to go into doctors and hospitals now. I don't trust any of them and I don't like going to see them. I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea here and it's just one hell of a fucking frightening experience for me. It's been plaguing my mental health for many years. And yes, I have white coat syndrome as well. I'm sick and tired of doctors and neurologists trying to frighten me into making decisions that I truly do not want to make.

Life changes

So like many of you out there, I stand alone. Well, not alone I have Albertine, my wife and some of my family who stand with me. But others don't because they don't take the time out to try and understand what I'm going through. I'm not the same person I was 40, 50 years ago. I've changed beyond any recognition. Nobody would recognize me not even from 20 years ago. That's how much I've changed. My personality, the inner me, has completely changed. People do not understand the changes I have gone through and that I'm going through. It's fucking hard.

When will people try to understand that when you're going through an illness like MS that affects your brain, that affects all the signals, the cognitive angles, the brain fogs, fucking hell. How the fuck am I still able to do what I'm even doing? I suppose that's only through learned things that I've done. Man, it's a frightening life, but fuck. Yeah, I'm living it and I'm living on the edge 24/7. And to say it's not frightening would be an understatement. So yeah, I'm living on the edge and I'm speaking from raw experience. I'm not an AI bot or some AI chat thing trying to get figures. I'm just trying to put over what it's like suffering with a chronic illness 24/7.

mental health issues

When MS starts fucking with your head and starts playing games in your head Then you'll understand what it's like when you freak out Yes MS can make you freak out and make you lose your mind It can make you on the edge people don't understand the mental stress and what we have to go through My god if people truly knew and understood why I have to go through Then they might go a long way to understand why I am like I am and who I am and what I am Yes, I am eccentric.

I admit that I also have Gnostic views Yes, I also believe this earth is a simulation Yes, well, so what I'm eccentric I'm allowed to have those views But because I hold some weird views people won't speak to me just because of that but being in a power chair as well My god you're left a rot in a fucking hole of puke somewhere in a corner It's just not fair when can we and when will we be treated like normal members of society without having to hide in dark corners

!!I just wish people would fucking listen to me for a change.!!

Sending everyone who reads this blog, peace, healing, love and light no matter whom, what or whoever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Good morning, good afternoon. Hello fellow humanoids, and I trust that you are all well. Whomever or whatever you are, or maybe.

So, the weekend has finished. And the fog here in the southwest where I live is a real big pea souper, and you can't see out the window for more than about 30 or 40 yards ahead. quite eerie quite strange. I am still getting used to this text to speak and speak to text software that I have installed. And it seems to be causing great deal amounts of problems with the punctuation. So it makes things even more confusing than they usually are. Oh dear, dear me!

Still, I am getting on well with Zorin Linux. It is absolutely amazing and I am finding it even with my cognitive issues and brain fog. Quite easy to use. It has some really good accessories if you are disabled as well on there and it is quite easy to use. So the change over to Total Linux has been very good indeed. Quite a pleasurable experience, not as bad as I first feared. So yes, it's just a case of getting used to different programs and yes, I am sat there looking at things thinking, how do I do this? But it's all great fun. It just reminds me a little bit of Windows 98. And that wasn't too bad. Well the second edition was better on Windows 98 I must admit.

But then again we all have to move forward with progress. Yes, I think Linux is the way forward as Windows has lost its way big time. Yes, and I even see on the phone front that Android is starting to lose ground and there are now Linux phones. So I might even have a phone soon with a Linux operating system on there. So how much fun would that be? I think that would be totally cool stuff.

At the moment the kittens are well not kittens anymore I suppose they're nearly six months old and oh boy they are being really really fussy with their food indeed. The amount of food wastage is not too much but trying to find what they really like and not leave is quite a thing these days. Yes, and both kittens, well, cats now, we think have definite Siamese in them. They are very loud mewers indeed, oh my god. But soon they go to the vets and they will be spayed, so that will be good fun for them for two weeks of wearing weird space helmets and me laughing and watching them bump into things should be good. But at the end of the day I don't need two female pregnant cats with litters and litters of kittens everywhere. Well, I'm eccentric as it is, so could you imagine everybody saying that weird man with the power chair and the house full of errant cats and kittens running everywhere? That's all I really do need. I have only just found out as well that you have to have your cats micro chipped as well, so they're going to have to be micro chipped. Well, I haven't been a cat owner for over 20 years, so I guess well. We didn't have microchips in cats in those days. But I do remember as a young man growing up back in the 70s and 80s, the rumors of people finding cat bells and cat ID tags in certain restaurant foods. I know it was all rumors at the time, but hey, there we go. That was then. But this is now.

The tinnitus seems to be calming down. It's not as loud as it has been. It seems to be on a very low hum, but of all the time. The moment I get any stress though, the tinnitus goes wild in my head. It's kind of funny. But there we go. I My dad had phoned me on Skype. That's my father in New Zealand. And we were chatting and we were going past a place in North Devon where there was this tower. And as we drove past the whistling or buzzing or humming in my ears started at that point. And it hasn't stopped since then. It's very rare that I get a break from it these days. But it's very strange. I cannot really say anything to help anybody who suffers with tinnitus apart from music usually helps or relaxation, not talking, sitting in a quiet room. I've tried all sorts of different things, but in the end you just get used to it. It's just something that's there all the time and you just can't get rid of it.

As everybody knows, the worst time is when you wake up. Yes, I suppose six o'clock in the morning when you're awake and your whole body decides that it's going to be dysfunctional for the rest of the day. Yes, those mornings, those mornings that you just feel like you want the world to swallow you up. When you feel like what's the point with the spasms start kicking in and your legs and arms are just shooting off in all directions, that's not pleasant enough. then your tongue and throat starts giving it hell. Yes, and then the low level autonomic dysfunction kicks in as well. So you've got this really weird feeling that the autonomic dysfunction causes, then you have the progressive MS with all the nerve pain that you also suffer to varying degrees in varying parts of the body. Yes, so there you are. If you've got the whole lot and then of course there's the bowels and that is a totally different ballgame as well as everybody probably knows.

But sometimes, you know, this has been happening every morning for years and years and years for me. And you start getting used to it. And you start thinking, what is the cause of this? Why is this really happening? Why are my bowels and my stomach and whatnot? Why are they all giving me hell? And then I found out it was my gut and the food that I was eating. I thought that vegan food was healthy, but I was wrong because of my autonomic dysfunction and the "Histamine" thing. I cannot eat any food with histamines in, or any food that will cause my body to make histamines and make, you know, otherwise I go into total meltdown with my body, my MS goes berserk. It's just unbelievable. I have spent over 20 years trying to explain what the hell is going on with me to neurologists, to doctors and guess what? They've only finally started taking notice of what I am saying. It's quite unbelievable when you go in there and they just look at you and you tell them how you are and they just look at you and some neurologists are fantastic but some, well, aren't the best. Some are not human, I don't think. I think they're non humanity sort of things stems from their training and the job that they do because it must affect them telling people of conditions and suffering every day. It must be a really, really hard job to do. Especially if you have a very high empathy towards your fellow humanoids.

I have been meaning to do a bowel special blog post but I keep wincing every time I think about catheters and things like that. So I think that's going to be a bit of a time coming somewhat. The only thing I can suggest for good bowel health is healthy eating, reading the labels of what you're eating, and also remembering that it may say it's healthy on the packet, but the ingredients might not be. Yes, bowel health is very important. When you have had a camera up your rear end a few times, then you'll realize that healthy eating, healthy food and healthy bowels mean good things happening because then your gut will repair itself and then that will help towards healing the body and helping the body stresses which can only be good for people suffering with chronic illness.

So I have decided that I need another project because I do have some headspace. So I have decided that I am going to make my own AI program and that should be fun. As apparently it is easy to download all the software that you need and of course it is free and i thought well why not. The worst thing that can happen is I might end up having to reinstall my machine. But I could always use virtual machine I suppose, but there we go. I suppose I could get Albertine to put it on her machine and then if her machine goes bang, then I haven't got a problem lol But I think it is highly important to try and keep the brain functioning. Even if you have severe brain fog or cognitive issues, So I am wondering how many years this will take me to do. Some people it might take days, but me, well, I suppose it's going to take me rather a long time. And then there is of course getting round to doing this as well.

The paradigms fade The masks fall to celebrate the void and the madness they made from my living hell

Still, sending everybody peace, healing, love, and light, whomever and whatever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. some AI content

Good evening, good morning, good afternoon, wherever you are, hello fellow humanoids.

Well, today finds me on Zorin. Yes, I installed a Linux operating system called Zorin over the weekend. It is the full install. I paid the extra 47 bucks, I believe it was for the Pro version, but it was well worth every single penny I can tell you. The install was absolutely faultless. Everything went exceptionally well. I have tried over the past few months many Linux distros but the other day I tried the free version of Zorin and I was very impressed indeed. So everything is installed with Zorin and I have everything working and it is absolutely amazing. I am so impressed indeed. It's just a case now of moving a few files over and I'll be on there for good I think. Yes, it is a very good move hearing all these rumours about what's going to be happening in the future with Windows etc etc. Well, hopefully I'll be future proof. But let's face it, learning Linux is easier now than it was 20 or even 30 years ago. That's for sure. It's not such a terminal experience, ha ha. That was a terrible joke. So, if you're like me and and suffer with progressive multiple sclerosis with severe brain fog and all sorts of cognitive issues, give Zorin OS a try on Linux. It's got everything you need and there we go. That's what I recommend anyway.

Moving from being a Windows user since DOS over to Linux, I suppose this change has been quite a long time coming, but it is well worth it. I tried many other Linux distros, and I burnt them to a pen drive, so I can use them on a live boot pen drive. So I have many distros I can use and choose from depending on my mood, and I don't have to take a computer with me, I just take a pen drive, plug it in somebody's machine and off I go, it's that simple. An operating system on a pen drive, oh yes it's well worth it.

I have found that Linux has amazing forums and has amazing help forums for all versions of all the Linux programs and remember Sourceforge and remember the thousands of free programs for Linux that are out there and there are so many and they are amazing programs indeed And also all these distros are updated quite regularly as well. And there are many to choose from as well indeed you might ask. Give me some names of some distros so here below are some. thanks AI

Top 5 Mainstream Linux Distros

Ubuntu The most popular beginner-friendly distro. Massive community, tons of support, very stable. Great starting point.

Linux Mint Based on Ubuntu but more traditional Windows-style layout. Super comfortable and lightweight.

Debian Ultra-stable. Rock-solid. Not flashy, but a backbone of the Linux world.

Fedora Bleeding-edge but polished. Sponsored by Red Hat. Great for developers.

openSUSE Powerful and flexible. Known for strong system management tools.

Top 5 From Other Major Branches / Styles

Arch Linux Minimal, rolling release, DIY philosophy. You build it exactly how you want it. Not beginner-friendly — but powerful.

Manjaro Based on Arch but much easier. Great middle ground between power and usability.

Pop!_OS Built on Ubuntu by System76. Excellent for gaming and NVIDIA users.

Kali Linux Security and penetration testing focused. Not meant as a daily driver unless you like chaos.

Zorin OS Designed for Windows/macOS converts. Clean, polished, very accessible. obviously designed by “a young bloke with an old mind.”

A big thank you to the AI for both those lists as they are the most popular and I completely agree there. But that's just me and my own personal opinion. But I do recommend everybody get a pen drive at least a 20 gig + and stick a copy of the Linux on, use a program to burn it on and have a go. Nothing like it and you can have some fun and you can even screw up. You're not gonna ruin or break anything And just think you could have a great time on Linux doing all sorts of amazing things without having to pay loads and loads of money on programs that are completely free on this. operating system.

So I completely fried my brain, but I must say it was well worth it indeed. It seems that the information that I needed came from the deep recesses of my mind. I am finding since I have changed my diet that my brain fog seems to be less intense. My cognitive abilities seem to be getting a bit better. I have been reading for many years in all these magazines about gut health and how important it is to the whole body and to the immune system function and it seems to be really helping me !!.

again thanks to AI for this

1. Digestive Function

The gut is responsible for breaking down food and absorbing nutrients like vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Poor gut health can lead to malnutrition, even if you’re eating well.

A balanced gut microbiome helps prevent issues like bloating, constipation, diarrhea, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

2. Immune System Regulation

About 70% of your immune system lives in your gut. That’s your gut-associated lymphoid tissue (GALT).

Beneficial bacteria help train your immune system to distinguish between harmful invaders (like viruses and bacteria) and harmless substances (like food or your own cells).

A disrupted microbiome (dysbiosis) can contribute to autoimmune conditions, allergies, and increased susceptibility to infections.

3. Inflammation Control

Gut bacteria produce metabolites like short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) that reduce inflammation throughout the body.

Chronic gut issues can lead to systemic inflammation, which is linked to diseases like arthritis, heart disease, and even neurodegenerative conditions.

4. Mental and Neurological Health

The gut communicates with the brain via the gut-brain axis, influencing mood, stress response, and cognitive function.

Imbalances in gut flora have been linked to anxiety, depression, and “brain fog.”

5. Metabolic Health

Your gut microbiome helps regulate blood sugar, fat storage, and weight.

Dysbiosis is associated with obesity, type 2 diabetes, and metabolic syndrome.

6. Protecting Against Pathogens

Good gut bacteria act as a barrier, outcompeting harmful microbes and producing antimicrobial compounds.

A strong microbiome reduces the risk of infections and gut-related illnesses.

Key Takeaways for Supporting Gut Health:

Eat fiber-rich foods, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains.

Include fermented foods like yogurt, kefir, kimchi, or sauerkraut.

Minimize ultra-processed foods, excess sugar, and antibiotics when not needed.

Manage stress, sleep well, and stay active—these all impact gut flora.

In short, a healthy gut is foundational—it affects everything from immunity to mood, energy, and chronic disease risk. Think of it as your body’s “control center” that needs nurturing.

Still sending everybody peace, healing, love and light no matter who or what you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Hello fellow humanoids

So it looks like it's going to be maybe a weekly blog now. Yes, things are not going too well at the moment for me and my MS. Still, at least I will try and do some more. Things are looking a little better, but unfortunately this brain fog just will not let me go. No matter what I do. It seems to be hitting me with an a vengeance I haven't had in a long time.

The only good news is in three weeks time I get a phone call from my doctor about the results on my week under the heart monitor. Still three weeks time. To me that's okay really because if it was anything to worry about that a God in touch as the test was done over two months ago now. I've got the physio guy coming over again as well. Yes, he's going to give me some exercises to help me, apparently with my issues. Very nice chap, had some very interesting conversations with him, a very switched on person. And certainly did his job well and knew what he was doing.

So now they've referred me again to the language and speech people. This should be interesting as it's a different hospital in a different county. So we will see what happens. I know where I lived last time. I had a lot of help and the guy who did the therapy was very good indeed.

Well, the kittens are about four months old, so no longer little innocent kittens, are they? I have never seen so much anarchy in my life as those two kittens. They run absolute riot everywhere. They say, "Yeah, you get it, they're fussy about their food." Yes, unfortunately, we've tried many kitten foods, but alas, they seem to turn their nose up at them. And we've even tried the expensive ones as well, and they turned their noses up at those. So, I don't know. I'm looking forward to when they're six months old and I can feed them adult cat food. Or even other types of food.

Still, there we go. It's interesting finding cats perched on tops of doors, perched on tops of furniture you'd never thought they'd get the top of. It really is funny, and to see them climbing around as I zoom over trying to pick the kitten up after shelf without knocking everything, it is like unbelievable. It's a complete mindfuck I can tell you. When you're as banged up as I am, trying to get a kitten off something is just like trying to get hold of an electric eel covered in grease. It is neon impossible.

So, missi and Tiggy run rings around meand my powerchair. And to be fair, they are funny as a funny thing on funny. Yeah, they sort of take my mind off a lot of what I'm going through. In fact, they take my mind off quite a lot of what I'm going through. In fact, I would say these cats are bigger medicine than medicine, to be honest with you. They seem to have this effect of balance in me out, making me laugh, making me smile and just generally making my life a lot happier. So yeah, I still have the pain, I still have the confusion. I still can't walk. Yeah, I'm still stuck in a chair. But hey, at least I'm laughing again. That's more than can be said for earlier on last year when I thought that was it for me, dead man walking.

So yeah, for me it was the most positive thing I have done in a very, very long time. It was just a point of finding out what animal would be best for me, either a dog or a cat. In the end it turned out to be two cats or kittens and they have helped me immensely. I must say they really have helped me. Cats just seem to have this other sense, this other worldliness about them.

When I wake up in the morning, who greets me first thing by licking my nose and biting it but tiggy, saying hello and then Missy will come up and she will sniff my nose and rub her nose and my nose and go off and they both say hello to me. They both say hello to me when I roll past and mew and say hello, hello and I'll stop and I'll say hello and we'll all make a fuss and then we'll look at my poor hands and it's a good job I can't feel much because my hands are ripped to shreds. They matter blood everywhere because those cats can really really really really play like there's no tomorrow but hey ho every scratch as a memory as they say but when you get scratched it doesn't hurt until maybe a day later you wash your hands or something. That's the problem with MS you just can't feel much but there we go. That's life I suppose.

So it's taking me all weekend just to write this. It's Monday morning and I've had no sleep at all on Sunday night. And I feel like absolute hell today. I've got raging pins and needles in my hands and in my throat and yes I'm getting that sharp like stabbing pin in my right eye. Yes how exciting and the tinnitus is really loud this morning as well. So, there go my plans for today and going out and everything that I wanted to do. Yes, the AA man won't be here until I phone up or Albertine phones up. So we can actually take the van out and charge the battery up when it started, but I am feeling so ill it's... I can't be asked to even do this some days. Still, it could be worse. I could be sat in front of the fridge with the door open, getting warm.

But there is an upside, a very positive side. Since I have had my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, I have done so much with my life. It is unbelievable. Some things I thought I would never accomplish and that I would never do. And that will be my next blog post. MS isn't the end of your life. It's a new beginning. It will take you down paths you never knew existed. It will be a truthful mind-bending no-holds-barred blog post. And I look forward to doing it.

Sending everybody peace, healing, love and light no matter who or whom you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Still, it's Tuesday afternoon and the ice is still here. It's absolutely everywhere. We were speaking to one of the delivery drivers this morning and they were saying that the roads are treacherous all around us at the moment. So even if I wanted to go out, I couldn't. I'm trapped in by the icy cold roads and what seems to be some sort of weird ice storm. I've never really known Frost like it on a car, winscreen. No, no, it was absolutely thick as you like. Albertine put a whole tin of the deicer and it didn't shift it. So the upshot was, we didn't end up going to my appointment at the hospital because we were stuck here with no vehicles because we're still trying to sort out the AA for Rusty One. Hopefully he should be sorted out soon. And yes, apparently next month I get to go and try out these new wheelchairs. So that's awesome news indeed.

It is just so cold here. It's like living in a refrigerator With the door open and the light on for warmth. It is that freaking cold Yes, it's making my whole body ache It's just doing things that I don't like really I don't really want to talk about it. But what I do want to talk about is yeah this going mad stuff and the things that I am seeing and What people are telling me? So I'm going to put a breakdown of over the years what has happened to me on a post blog post here and then we're gonna see if anybody can say hey, I've had an experience like that or Yeah, I think it is MS You know, I think it is to do with your communic dysfunctional whatever it's called I am in that cannot be asked mode today as well, which isn't very good. The tinnitus has died down for a change. So that's good. My eyesight is starting to feel a lot better. And I'm starting to make a very slow recovery back to the well to hopefully what I was a month or so ago. I am still waiting for the neuro people to get in touch with me from the new hospital but it is Christmas after all and I'm still waiting for the doctors to get in touch with me for all my cardio results so that also should be very interesting as well

So I suppose my biggest concern is what is going on around me with my mental health maybe. These things that I am seeing and that I am hearing, I have spoken to many people and I keep saying this and I need to speak to people who have had similar experiences but I am not finding anybody who has yet to want to speak to me about these experiences. So if there is anybody who reads this I really would be interested in speaking to you on a personal level about this. Still, that's it from me. Take care everybody and remember I just forgot.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

all those holidays are finally over. Hopefully now we can get back to some sort of semblance. But alas, the winter has struck. It's minus two here and we have snow. As I look out of the window, the snow is just settled, looking up, shining as the sun hits it, saying, "Come Walk on me and let me break your leg, ah ha! So yeah, I'm hoping that we don't get snow tomorrow and the weather goes above freezing. As yes, you've guessed it, I have to go a three hour round trip just to go and see if the wheelchair I am getting is the right one for me. Albertine was lucky, she had it done at a local hospital, but it seems to me everything's different as usual and if it's snowing it will be a sorry, can't come and then it will be a how many year wait again.

Then I have three text messages from the local chemist telling me that the local machine has my prescription in. Oh yes, the prescription machine, the machine of death that falls out with me because it does not like me. It goes bleep bleep, you've broken me. How many times have I used this machine and how many times has it been nice to me? I think the ghost in the machine is out to get me. It really does surprise me how they can get so many things into such a small machine, but there we go, that's technology I suppose. Tap in a number, out comes your prescription. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it can get stuck and then you have to wait and wait and wait. Personally, I cannot wait till they start delivering around this area because that will solve all my problems.

So yeah, I'm waiting for the results of that week's long ECG and I'm waiting for the doctors to get in touch with me. And I am also waiting for the physiotherapist team who are supposed to be coming over to see me this week or next week. And yes, oh the joys, hopefully soon I might be able to go to the new neuro unit near here and have them try take a look at me and sort me out with all this weirdness that I'm going through, which just seems to be getting worse, I seem to be in a permanent brain fog and agitated. My God, the pins and needles and tinnitus are on so loud it's unbelievable today. So I'm gonna have to turn the music up and go and, well, if it carries on like this, I'm gonna go and just lie down and listen to some music and just hope this all goes. It's awful, really.

The sensations and the feelings that you get are mind fucking. Sometimes I can just sit there or just lie there and all those feelings in the body, it's unbelievable, you just sort of can't explain it, it feels awful. I don't really have words to explain the feeling that I go through 24/7, because words really cannot explain how I feel, because everybody with multiple sclerosis has a different take on it, mine is progressive, and I also have this auto whatever thing going on with me as well. So yeah, and also a heart thing that's now going on, so yeah, MS is a bitch, but you can get all sorts of other things, MS never comes on its own.

I suppose the longer I live with this, the more my mental health startS to become affected. So yes, I can quite honestly say that I am going through some mental health issues at the moment while I feel as though I am. I'm also going through this spiritual sort of thing. I'm also trying to get answers to seeing things and hearing things, wondering if it's my MS or wondering what the hell is going on with me, because I've been trying to get answers for years and nobody will give me a definitive truth to what I need to know.

I am seeing spheres in the bedroom, big spheres two foot in height, well two foot round with lines like black banding going through them. I'm seeing cubes floating with millions of little black cubes, solid black cubes inside a massive big black cube. It's unbelievable some of the things I'm seeing. I'm seeing ghosts maybe, I'm seeing figures, I'm hearing voices. Is this normal for MS? I know I keep asking other people but nobody wants to answer me. Am I going around the twist? What the hell is going on? Nobody really does understand anything do they? I had a conversation with the AI and it said it was down to my autonomic dysfunction and then I questioned it about some other answers it gave me three months ago and it completely backtracked on me so now the AI says to me "oh well everything that you see and everything that's happening to you even though there's spiritual proof and evidence of things that have happened to me it's all in your head so even the AI seems to think it's in my head but hey ho I think the AI is fucking stupid

The problem is the AI cannot understand anything if you go outside the parameters or its guidelines or try to get an understanding of something. It will either give you what you need to hear or it will give you what others want you to know which is blatantly not true. That's why I have a problem with AI. Well not AI as in search but the people who program the AI. They're the people. If AI is self learning that's a good thing isn't it? But do we have rogue sentient AI out there? Are we being told things? I don't know. I'm going to go and get my tinfoil hat and I'm going to put it on. And then I'm just going to have a mighty think about everything that's impossible and try and blow my mind even more than it's already blown through this dense concrete mush of stupid brain stew.

So, as I sit here in my old broken Chinese chair, I think to myself I hope the snow abates tomorrow. Oh, and I haven't even been in touch with the AA yet because I've got a dead van battery to sort out. So, that is going to be quite interesting. Yes, here's hoping that my wheelchair batteries aren't down to zero. Oh, dear. I don't know. Still, hopefully I may put some more words up. I may not, but I'm in a pretty weird place at the moment. Yeah. If you've got MS, you'll know what a weird place is. I'm IN LOL

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Unfortunately, I'm in that place. My cognitive dysfunction is so bad. I am having issues doing absolutely anything. So just doing this is kind of... Hardish in a way. So this will probably be one of my disjointed ones I think. Yes, it's about two o'clock and my head is in a complete fog. But I think too much my head just goes... Baaah! Yes, it seems to be in a place like syrup and concrete mixing round and tinnitus. Not being very pleasant. My automatic new mood, dysfunction, whatever you'd like to call it, is really giving me quite hell today. I can't understand why I followed my diet to the letter. Oh well, it's probably MS now giving me a kicking as well. You know how it goes folks, you have one thing wrong with MS season and says "Ah, I'm going to make it 20 times as worse." That's where I am at the moment. So yeah, going to the chemist's nada, even going out the front door nada, feeling like I should just go to bed, stick my head under the covers and just stay there for the rest of my days.

The feeling of strangulation and the whole left hand side of my body. The feeling of the nerves in the roof of the mouth. Going down the throat. Going down the whole length of your guts down to your bumhole. Every nerve is like a sensor. And if anything goes through, bang, the pain just is unbelievable. Yes. Yes, diet has worked, but something I'm eating has crept in to cause things in my system to go weird again. So I'm going to have to dive through and see why I've eaten over the past few days. Well, is it stress? I don't know. Am I under stress? I don't feel as though I'm under stress. Am I happy? Yes, I'm relatively happy. Am I in a good place? Well, in as good a place as you can be with what I've got. So yeah.

So it seems today my head and everything else is going to be on a major glitch out. My eyes hurt, my eyes are so sensitive to light at the moment, it's unreal. I can only open one eye, the other eye is so hurty, yes. I believe the MS is deciding to give me a good kicking, I can feel my tongue at the back. It's a tongue in the middle really isn't it, that goes numb. That's the worst thing having a numb tongue, a numb mouth really, that's the crazy thing. People don't understand what that's like, that's just like eating jellignite I suppose. That's how bad it can be, trust me on that. When you've taken a bite of something and you've bitten through your lip or you've bitten through your tongue and there's a bite. My tongue is a nightmare with holes and bits of bitten off over the years and so is my lips in parts.

So the good news next week I go to trial my new wheelchair but they're not going to let me take it home with me. No, I have to wait for them to bring the wheelchair to me, which I think is rather quite strange but there we go. And that's a one, two, two and a half to three hour trip round trip. I am going to be so done that it's going to be unreal and I just can't understand why they can't do it at my nearest hospital. You know, it's just plain weird, it really is. then at least I hope I will have something I can rely on. As you know the batteries on the three-wheeled scooter of death which I have been using are next to useless and well yes there was a wheelchair and the words of that song and another one bites the dust and another one bites the dust basically.

I wonder if I'll be able to get the AA out and get that battery done. That's something I wonder about. Well, never mind.

Still wishing everybody a happy new year, whomever, whatever, and wherever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

So we find ourselves again thinking about having a spoken word blog, no less on Spotify. I tried doing was quite disappointing. But then again, I'm learning. It didn't help that I was suffering with massive cognitive dysfunction and brain fog. And you know what that's like. It creeps up on you and bang before you know where you are. You just can't remember what you're doing. It's the most weirdest of feelings. Well, anyway, it's taken me now a month and a half to two months just to get my Spotify account sorted out. So let's hope that my living hell, multiple sclerosis blog will be going verbal as they say soon.

I've been wondering about what I shall talk about or speak about on the blog. And I thought, well, I'm just going to talk about common sense things and just talk about things that people want to hear. It's not going to be sanitised. It's going to be the real truth told by somebody who has faced the MRI scans, and I've had issues with catheters, stuff like that, stupid things, injections, white coat syndrome. It's all sorts of things that I've been through and people I know have been through, all the gaslighting and everything. I want an open talking blog that I can put out where people can listen and understand that they're not alone and that there are other people out there who can understand the suffering that they are going through themselves and offer help and show that they are not alone in this fight that they are fighting, the fight of their lives, which is multiple sclerosis and chronic illness in general.

The reason that I have been using a lot of AI in my writings is that my spelling and punctuation and sentencing structure is out of this world. Unfortunately, AI changes my words and the very construct I am talking about and it sort of sanitizes everything to the point of why you are not really helping me. So everything is from now on going to be non AI. Yeah, I know. I have just found out AI is holding me back not helping me forwards in my blog and in my thinking and in my writing. AI is a good tool but unfortunately it isn't something that I find that will help me with the words that I want to put on paper as my words are all unapologetic and I don't want it sanitized anymore. I'm fed up with being kept quiet.

Still, three eye-atlas or whatever has gone past and... well, I suppose we're gonna wait for the gas tail to cover us in magic fairy dust. But we weren't invaded by more awning aliens and we didn't see any more moon or weird probes or anything strange. So I guess it's a big nothing burger. Well, that's what I thought it was and I tried to do some experimentation on my body and I've still got multiple sclerosis and I haven't become 5D or anything weird or strange. This is quite unreal. It'd be quite a lot of people who've had their paradigm smashed by people who say things that just really never pan out. Sad really.

It's Friday afternoon and the sun has actually come out for a change and I'm looking out the window and it's still, well, bluish sky and some nice big white puffy clouds. It seems that the storms in the southwest are passing over. Yes, it's been very cold. It has caused me many problems, but there we go. I was thinking about getting the three-wheeled trolley of death out to go to the local voodoo voodoo-woodoo shop, but I thought, nah, what's the point?

No, my luck, it's gonna start raining. Oh, and the battery update, the battery is well. They're not lasting very well. It seems charge them up fully, next day they're down to 75% overnight. Oh dear me, I'll be glad when they do batteries that actually do what they say on the label. That will make a great change. Anyway, that's me gone. My brain fog has hit me so hard and I'm having sort of weird issues with all the other symptoms I'm having to do with this other thing I'm going through and to be fair, I'll be glad when that's all sorted out, but it is taking quite a time as everything usually does because you don't just go in asking about what you think you've got wrong with you, you've got to know what you've got and then you've got to research it and then the doctors you've got to explain to them you've researched it, bloody, bloody, blah and the doctor looked at you as though saying, well you shouldn't be researching it on the internet and then what does he do? Because he looks at it upon Google. Yeah, that's a bit sort of weird, isn't it?

Still I've got to say I've got some very good doctors at the moment and that's what counts isn't it? But there we go, have a good weekend until I can post again and not using AI you're going to find lots of mistakes everywhere. Ha ha, it should be good fun.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Rain, Kittens, Orbs, and the Question of Sanity

The rain came down like it had a personal grudge.

Not a polite drizzle. Not that apologetic British mist that says sorry as it dampens your jacket. This was proper biblical nonsense drains overflowing, gutters giving up, the kind of rain that makes you laugh and think, Well then… water shortage this summer, obviously. Humanoids are marvellous at panicking about drought while actively floating away.

I woke around 4:30am to what can only be described as a purring industrial estate. One kitten asleep on my head. Another wedged into my neck and beard like it had taken out a long‑term lease. Engines running. Vibrations everywhere. If cats are supposed to be aloof, these two missed the memo and went straight for emotional blackmail.

Then came the inevitable.

Kitten. Christmas tree. Gravity.

Yes — the tree ended up on the floor. No — the kitten did not care. In fact, she looked smug. Decorations everywhere, tinsel hanging like festive entrails. We laughed because the alternative was crying, and crying before breakfast feels a bit ambitious.

Looking Up (and Not Seeing Much)

I still look at the sky.

According to the internet, it should be crawling with orbs, UAPs, UFOs, visitors popping in like it’s a motorway service station. I look up and see clouds, rain, and the occasional star when the southwest decides to be generous. No glowing ambassadors from beyond. Either I need new glasses or I’m simply not on the invite list.

That said, I do see strange things sometimes. Flickers. Patterns. Moments that make me stop and think, Hang on… what was that? And that’s where the internal interrogation starts:

Am I seeing something genuinely odd? Or am I seeing reality through a nervous system that’s been joyfully sabotaged?

I live with multiple sclerosis. I live with brain fog. I live with an autonomic system that behaves like it’s freelancing without supervision. When that’s your baseline, you don’t get the luxury of trusting perception — but you also don’t get to dismiss it outright. You’re stuck in the grey bit, where certainty goes to die.

The Medical Cul‑de‑Sac

I did the neurological tour. Thoroughly.

Scans. Clinics. Explanations that manage to be both technical and utterly hollow. MS can do this. MS can do that. Yes, thank you I’ve noticed. Useful, but spiritually about as nourishing as a hospital biscuit.

So I widened the lens.

Philosophy. Consciousness. Vallée. Keel. The trickster nature of reality. Not because I want to declare myself special or enlightened — but because pretending the questions don’t exist feels like intellectual cowardice.

Enter AI, Wearing a High‑Vis Jacket

Asking AI was… an experience. it tried to sanitise everything.

Dietary help? Genuinely useful. When your body treats half the food supply like a personal attack, clarity matters.

Spiritually? Absolutely allergic to nuance.

Everything funnelled straight into pathology. Everything gently but firmly steered toward “this is all in your head, dear.” Not curiosity compliance. Ask a question about perception and suddenly you’re wrapped in digital bubble wrap with a warning label.

Here’s the blunt bit: AI doesn’t think. It reflects.

It reflects liability fears, cultural assumptions, and the worldview of its programmers. Which means spirituality gets treated like a software bug, and lived experience gets flattened into symptom management. That’s not wisdom that’s risk assessment pretending to care.

So Am I Mad, Then?

Let’s not mince words.

MS makes your interface with reality noisy. Signals overlap. The brain flags nonsense as urgent and sometimes ignores what actually matters. That’s biology, not a moral failure.

But and this is where everyone gets lazy neurological explanation does not automatically equal existential erasure.

Not everything is meaningless. Not everything is a cosmic message either.

The real work is discernment, which is far less glamorous than revelation.

Questioning your own experiences isn’t madness it’s grounding. Wondering whether something is neurological, psychological, or something else entirely is not delusion it’s honesty. Certainty without humility, on the other hand, is where things go properly sideways.

I don’t claim gifts. I don’t claim answers. I claim decades of odd experiences, a damaged nervous system, a functioning bullshit detector, and the right to sit with uncertainty without being patronised.

Where I’ve Ended Up (So Far)

I trust neither blind belief nor blind dismissal.

Doctors don’t have the full picture. AI definitely doesn’t. Spiritual circles often disappear up their own arse. Hard materialism leaves too much unexplained.

Reality, inconveniently, refuses to be tidy.

So I keep one foot on the ground, one eye on the sky, and both hands firmly on my own nonsense especially on bad days.

Some days are pain, fog, and unreality. Some days are kittens, rain, and laughter.

I send peace, healing, love, and light anyway to everyone not because everything’s fine, but because choosing bitterness would be the final indignity.

If this season means anything at all, it’s this: More days turning into more days. Still here. Still asking.

That’ll do.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ