Multiple sclerosis is My Living Hell

Multiple sclerosis

All posts tagged Multiple sclerosis by Multiple sclerosis is My Living Hell
  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    This is the post I wish someone had handed me when I was a kid being told I was “making it up.”

    My lived truth

    Pins and needles. Numb patches. Vision blips. Fatigue that was dismissed as laziness. It started in childhood and never stopped. Decades later the labels came and went—“viral,” “nervous,” “Guillain–Barré,” “psychosomatic” until MRI-era medicine finally admitted it: Multiple Sclerosis. I didn’t “suddenly develop MS.” I lived it in slow motion while the system gaslit me.

    What science admits today

    • MS has a prodrome. A long, hazy pre-diagnosis phase often starts in childhood or adolescence.
    • Epstein–Barr virus (EBV) is the main spark. Nearly everyone gets it; only the genetically primed go on to MS.
    • Molecular mimicry: EBV proteins look like brain proteins. The immune system gets confused and attacks myelin.
    • Trauma and chronic stress warp immunity. They don’t “cause” MS but tip the scales.
    • Misdiagnosis was rampant. Before MRI, countless people were mislabelled or dismissed.

    EBV is not a jab

    EBV isn’t in any vaccine. It spreads through saliva and close contact. Vaccines didn’t “give” anyone EBV in the 1960s or now. Full stop.

    The childhood piece

    Children can have MS. Many of us had a childhood prodrome—years of odd neurological glitches before a diagnosis. Calling kids liars because textbooks lagged behind wasn’t medicine, it was negligence.

    Guillain–Barré vs MS

    GBS = acute autoimmune attack on peripheral nerves. MS = chronic attack on the brain and spinal cord. Before modern tools, one was often mistaken for the other.

    Genetics and family threads

    MS risk runs in families. My aunt in Australia has MS too. Genes load the gun; EBV and environment pull the trigger. Stress and trauma crank the safety off.

    Childhood abuse leaves scars

    Abuse and chronic stress leave biological fingerprints on cortisol, immunity, and epigenetic switches. They amplify EBV’s mischief.

    The AI factor

    Humans buried data in filing cabinets for decades. AI processed those mountains in seconds and revealed the obvious: MS often begins in youth. That’s not “AI as tool.” That’s AI as revelation.

    Vindication

    I was told I was lying. Turns out I was early. Medicine was late. The system gaslit me for decades. At 66, I’m vindicated—not by doctors, but by research, data, and yes, AI.


    Sources you can check yourself

    • Bjornevik K, et al. Science (2022): Longitudinal study—EBV infection precedes MS. Link
    • Lanz TV, et al. Nature (2022): Antibodies to EBV cross-react with brain proteins. Link
    • Tremlett H, et al. Multiple Sclerosis Journal (2022): Review on MS prodrome. Link
    • Akmatov MK, et al. JAMA Netw Open (2024): Pre-diagnostic MS symptoms in youth. Link
    • Belman AL, et al. JAMA Neurology (2016): Paediatric MS cohort. Link
    • Gaitán MI, et al. (2019): Misdiagnosis in MS still common. Link
    • Eid K, et al. JNNP (2022): Childhood adversity increases MS risk. Link
    • Etemadifar M, et al. (2012): Case series linking GBS and MS. Link

    in closing: They called me a liar. Turns out I was an early warning system. I carried the data in my body for decades while textbooks lagged. If you’re a kid reading this with numb hands and doubt in your throat: you’re not crazy. You’re just ahead of schedule in a world that hates being late.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Here’s the thing they don’t tell you when you first hear the words multiple sclerosis. You don’t just get MS. You get a whole carnival of imitators, tag-alongs, and evil twins that either look like MS, act like MS, or make MS worse.

    Doctors call them “related conditions.” I call them the bastard cousins of MS.

    The Lookalikes

    MS is a great pretender. It shares symptoms with loads of other conditions, which means many of us start on a misdiagnosis rollercoaster. You might’ve heard of:

    Neuromyelitis Optica (NMO): Like MS, but meaner to the optic nerves and spinal cord.

    MOG-antibody disease: Same symptoms, different culprit.

    Transverse Myelitis: Attacks the spinal cord — paralysis, pain, bladder hell. Sounds familiar, right?

    ADEM (Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis): Long name, short fuse usually hits kids, but looks a lot like MS on scans.

    Doctors use fancy words like “differential diagnosis.” Translation: “We don’t bloody know yet, but it might be one of these.”

    The Tag-Alongs

    Even once you’ve got the official MS stamp, the fun doesn’t stop. Other conditions love to hitch a ride:

    Depression & anxiety: Not just because life’s hard, but because MS literally messes with the brain.

    Chronic pain disorders: Neuropathic pain, fibromyalgia… like the universe thought one wasn’t enough.

    Autoimmune pile-up: Lupus, thyroid disease, diabetes — the immune system goes rogue in more ways than one.

    Basically, your body joins a union of diseases and forgets to tell you.

    The Quiet Killers

    This is the bit nobody talks about enough. People with MS don’t usually die from MS itself. It’s the sneaky add-ons that do the damage:

    Infections (pneumonia, UTIs that turn nasty)

    Heart disease (made worse by being less mobile)

    Blood clots, cancers, you name it

    It’s like MS weakens the castle walls and the other invaders just stroll right in.

    Why This Matters

    Because when you’re told you’ve “just got MS,” it’s a lie of omission. MS is a syndrome, a spectrum, a spider’s web of conditions.

    And if you know that, you can push back. You can say to your doctor:

    “Are you sure this isn’t NMO?”

    “Could this be something else?”

    “What else should we be watching for?”

    Knowledge isn’t a cure. But it’s armour.

    Final Word

    MS is the headline, but the fine print is where the bastards hide. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking your illness is simple. It’s not. It’s layered, it’s messy, and sometimes it’s a trickster wearing another mask.

    I live with that knowledge every day. And I’d rather face the whole ugly truth than be fobbed off with fairy-tale simplifications.

    Because in the end? It’s not “just MS.” It’s never just anything.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Body status: arghhhhhhhhh. That’s the technical term. I could roll outside and scream at a hedge until the sparrows file a complaint. Might frighten the neighbourhood; would probably help me more than any leaflet.

    Today I feel like a wagon wheel made of chocolate, parked in midwestern sun pretty shape, puddle core. Useless? Feels like it. Truth? Not even close.

    Because when I look back, I’ve done damage in the good way. Diagnosis turned the key I didn’t know I had. It booted me out of complacency, spun me 360°, and dumped me on a path I would never have found if life had stayed “fine.” Did it worsen the MS? Yeah. Did it hurt? Constantly. Did it teach me survival? Absolutely. I learned how to get up on fire and still carry water.

    Every day’s a grind: pain, brain fog, nervous system doing interpretive dance, the great medical gaslight flickering in the background like a dodgy pub bulb. The parasite fiddles with my wiring; I smile anyway. Not because I’m zen because I’m stubborn. Time isn’t infinite; fine. I’ll be here swinging until the bell goes.

    Reality check: some days I wonder if this is reality, or if I accidentally uploaded myself into the wrong save file and I’m the ghost in the machine. Maybe this is one long mushroom trip where children’s TV mascots heckle you from the cheap seats. Doesn’t matter. Whether I’m meat ware or middle ware, the rule stands:

    Never give up. Don’t let it beat you. Fight back.

    MS wasn’t invited. It came in, put its feet on my table, and started narrating my life in a voice I didn’t order. I’m answering by taking the microphone. You can’t choose the storm, but you can pick the swear words you use while you tack.

    Am I insane? Certified? Forgotten warlock muttering at clouds? Maybe. Or maybe I’m the one person in the queue saying the quiet part out loud:

    I. Will. Not. Melt.

    Postscript for the parasite

    You’re loud, but I’m louder. Bring your worst. I’ve already seen it.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Sunday again. My head feels like it’s trying to blow itself off my neck. The conservatory is a sauna from hell, pushing close to 100 degrees. I’m basically rotisserie-roasting in my wheelchair, waiting for the fridge and freezer to finally explode in sympathy. Their groaning is the soundtrack of my life.

    A rare visitor stopped by this weekend. Strange thing, visitors — they get fewer as the years pile up, and before you know it, you’re “that forgotten bloke.” Of course, part of it’s my fault. I didn’t want people seeing me like this — a creaking neck that sounds like snapping twigs, heart palpitations strong enough to rattle furniture, eyes streaming like cheap taps, throat raw enough to sand wood. The whole freakshow. Welcome to the Sunday matinee.

    And then there’s the heat. Heat and MS are the perfect lovers — clingy, suffocating, and guaranteed to leave you wrecked. When the temperature climbs, the nervous system basically goes on strike. Muscles weaken, balance evaporates, and my brain decides it’s time to reboot itself every ten minutes. Hello brain fog, goodbye memory. The world feels twice as heavy and I move half as fast. Some people call it “Uhthoff’s phenomenon.” I call it being boiled alive in your own juices.

    Hydration, of course, is supposed to be the saviour. Drink more water, they say. Right. Easy advice when you don’t have bladder problems that make you live like a hostage negotiating toilet breaks. Water in, waterfall out. Still — dehydration just makes everything worse. Thick blood, pounding head, and an MS body that’s already halfway to meltdown. So I chug when I can, and pay the price when I can’t make it in time. Life’s full of trade-offs.

    So what’s left? Medical Mary Jane and Gregorian chants. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s the closest thing I’ve got to therapy. Weed dulls the edges, chant quiets the chaos, and words on this page act as pressure release — raw, unfiltered, sarcastic truth. I know most people don’t want to hear about diarrhoea, pissing yourself, or falling apart in the heat. But some will. Maybe 10, maybe 20 people. And those are the people who get it. That’s who I write for.

    Because at the end of the day, there’s no neat bow to tie on this. MS is ugly, sweaty, isolating, and full of brain-melting days where the stress sits on your chest like a fat cat. And yeah, I feel forgotten sometimes. Weird. Different. Alone. But if writing this makes one other person feel less alone in their own meltdown, then maybe it’s worth frying in this bloody hotbox.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Living with MS at 66 – The Brutally Honest Survival Guide

    Let’s not dress it up. Living with MS at 66 isn’t a gentle stroll through the park with a pastel cardigan and a green smoothie. It’s trench warfare — against your body, against fatigue, against medical “options” that sometimes look suspiciously like experiments dressed as treatments.

    This isn’t a hope-and-prayers blog. This is the black comedy version: what actually works when you’re in the thick of it.


    1. Keep What You’ve Got Working, Working “Use it or lose it” isn’t motivational nonsense — it’s MS reality. If your legs, arms, or hands still work, use them. Every day.

    - Stretch. - Grip something. - Do chair yoga. - Pretend the resistance bands aren’t plotting against you.

    Small, daily effort beats one heroic attempt followed by three days of living as a decorative plant.


    1. Fight the Brain Drain MS doesn’t just attack your body; it tries to shrink your headspace. The cure? Use your brain like a gym.

    - Read. - Write. - Argue. - Do puzzles. - Talk bollocks with friends (penguin debates optional).

    Because idle brains shrink faster than wet bread.


    1. Anti-Inflammatory Life Without the Pill Parade Food and habits matter. No snake-oil, no magic powder.

    - Whole foods > processed sludge. - Oily fish, nuts, green veg — boring, but your body thanks you. - Stay hydrated (fatigue + dehydration = double brain fog). - Vitamin D — don’t mega-dose, just don’t let yourself run on empty.


    1. Manage Fatigue Like It’s a Job Energy is currency. Spend it wisely.

    - Learn your “cut-off point” — stop before you crash into furniture. - Nap without guilt. Strategy, not weakness. - Don’t waste your coins on things that don’t matter.


    1. Symptom Hacks (Practical, Not Magical)

    - Spasticity: Stretch, warm baths, magnesium. - Pain: Heat pads, pacing, distraction. If legal/accessible — CBD or cannabis can help some. - Bladder issues: Boring but effective — timed voiding. Avoid caffeine ambushes before outings.

    No miracle cures here, just what works.


    1. Build Your Backup Crew Have two or three people who get it. Train them before the crisis, not during it.

    Because nothing says “awkward” like explaining spasticity mid-spasm.


    1. Defend Your Autonomy You don’t owe anyone compliance. Ask every medic:

    - “What’s the actual benefit for me, at my stage?” - “What’s the cost?”

    If they can’t give you a straight answer, keep your dignity and walk.


    1. Keep Something Fun in the Diary If you don’t have something to look forward to, MS wins twice. Big or small, it doesn’t matter:

    - A trashy TV binge. - A coffee shop trip. - A sarcastic chat online.

    That little spark keeps you human.


    Bottom Line MS at 66 isn’t about “beating it” — it’s about outsmarting it. You’re not going to stop it, but you can choose how much it dictates your life.

    Spend your limited coins on what matters. Ignore the pressure to buy into chemo-lite “solutions” if they don’t serve you. This isn’t about quantity anymore; it’s about quality, and about laughing in the face of the absurd.

    Dark humour is armour. Use it.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Life swears it’s “real.” But you and I both know it’s just one big work swerves you didn’t sign off on, matches you didn’t want, and the booking committee from hell.

    You want real? Forget inspirational Instagram quotes. Try WCW when the New World Order was running the show.

    Monday nights on TNT pyro, trash flying into the ring, Tony Schiavone trying to keep a straight face while the nWo mugged the babyfaces live on air. The crowd? Split down the middle. Half cheering, half booing, all throwing beer. The wrestlers? Six-foot-plus, leather-clad, and making their own rules while the boss counted the money.

    Kevin Nash — seven feet of “I don’t give a damn” with a jack knife powerbomb that could ruin your week.

    Scott Hall — the guy who’d flick a toothpick in your face, drop you, and still look like the coolest bastard in the building.

    Hollywood Hogan — black beard, black gear, black heart. The kind of turn you saw coming but still gasped at.

    Sting — trench coat in the rafters, bat in hand, deciding whether tonight’s your redemption or your funeral.

    The Outsiders — rewriting the rules, spray-painting your title, and laughing all the way to the pay window.

    The nWo didn’t pretend to play fair. They wanted you to know the fix was in. They’d beat you down, steal your belt, and cut a promo on your corpse. Life’s exactly the same it’ll work you over, leave you lying, and tag in your oldest friend to finish the job.

    In wrestling, the heels are easy to spot. They strut, they cheat, they brag. In life, the heels shake your hand, borrow your tools, and call you “mate” right before they throw you through a metaphorical table.

    At least in the ring, there’s a ref even if he’s crooked. Life? Life’s ref doesn’t show up until after the count’s already hit twenty and you’re staring at the ceiling wondering who booked this crap.

    I’ve taken bigger bumps in my hallway than Nash took in ’98. MS is my permanent heel turn no babyface comeback, just a slow burn storyline I didn’t ask for. And unlike wrestling, there’s no crowd pop when I get back up. Just me, my chair, and the kind of promos I cut at the universe when it’s 3 a.m. and the meds wear off.

    So next time someone says wrestling is fake, remind them: The matches might be scripted, but the pain’s a shoot. Exactly like life — except life never lets you cut a promo first.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    Beyond the Awkward Truth: Reclaiming Intimacy, Pleasure & Connection

    If you read Part 1, you already know we ripped up the polite pamphlet version of “MS & sex” and talked about the real, awkward truths: sexual dysfunction, libido loss, nerve changes, fatigue, and how multiple sclerosis can affect intimacy on every level primary, secondary, and tertiary.

    Part 2 is your guide forward. We’ll cover practical ways to work around MS-related sexual problems, from cooling hacks and position adaptations to communication tools, pelvic floor therapy, and adaptive-friendly toys. More importantly, this is about hope — proving that intimacy, touch, and pleasure are still very much possible with MS, whether you’re dealing with numbness, spasticity, or just the psychological toll it can take.

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

    We’re sat here me, Albertine, and the kind of silence that means a bad idea is about to become a plan discussing getting a dog. Again. Yes, a dog. Because apparently I haven’t collected enough chaos already.

    History lesson: we’ve done rescue before. Twice. Hard mode only. First up, the German Shepherd a breeding cash cow someone ran into the ground. We fixed the health, fed the soul, and then one day she keyed in on my son like he’d personally repossessed her puppyhood. Full charge, ears back, fear aggression blazing. Turns out he looked a bit too much like the previous owner and trauma doesn’t read bedtime stories. Advice was taken. Tears were had. We rehomed her with people who could give her the space and structure she needed. That was a funeral in everything but flowers.

    Then came the Staffy. Completely bonkers. Bought her off someone who thought “discipline” means “violence” and “care” means “sell it quick.” She was a live wire with seven kinds of unfinished business. We worked. She healed, mostly. And we found her the right forever. We were the halfway house with biscuits.

    But here’s the bit they never put on the adoption posters: once you’ve lived with an animal, the house doesn’t feel like a house without one. Furniture sits heavier. Air stands still. You notice the quiet and it notices you back.

    Practicalities? I’m in a wheelchair. Albertine’s on sticks or chair depending on the day and the weather’s opinion of her joints. Walks? Not an issue. I can clip the lead to the chair and we can do miles like a small parade with complaints. Vets? Down the road. Logistics aren’t the problem; humans are. Always are.

    “Don’t get a dog or we won’t visit,” say certain family members who currently visit on the equinox and the second Tuesday of Never. Newsflash: if you only appear four or five times a year, you’re not a stakeholder; you’re a seasonal special.

    Breed? I’m Staffy-curious. Good hearts, good with kids, decent security if your doorbell is shy. I’m not daft: rescue comes with luggage. Buying a year old Staffy might come with a smaller suitcase than a seven-year-old with a criminal record. But I’m a big believer in this: let the dog choose me. If you don’t feel that click that “we’re idiots together” moment you’re just renting a personality.

    Meanwhile, the sky’s threatening melodrama. Dark clouds, no heatwave, air that smells of arguments. Rain brewing. Perfect dog-choosing weather: we all feel a bit tragic and honest when the barometer drops.

    Monday’s the grandson’s birthday off to Plymouth we go, pockets full of snacks and the kind of optimism you only feel right before getting rained on sideways. And in four months, retirement beckons like a dodgy Groupon. I’m stressed, I’m tired, and yes, I’ll keep working because capitalism says rest is for people with inheritance and I’ve got biscuits to buy.

    So: do we do it? Yes. Because dynamics need shaking. Because houses need heartbeats. Because the right animal doesn’t just fill a space it changes the air.

    And if certain relatives squeal? Lovely. The dog likes squeaky toys.

    Notes For The Sensible (there aren’t many) We’ll meet the dog in neutral ground, twice.

    We’ll ask about triggers, cats, kids, wheelchairs, umbrellas, and men in hats.

    We’ll commit to training like it’s laundry: constant and mildly annoying.

    If it’s not right, we walk away. If it is, we make it right.

    The Weather Part (Because Britain) Storm vibes: on. Umbrella: haunted. Mood: Staffy-shaped. Afternoon Today’s forecast: Wheel rolls. Stick taps. Lead clips. Clouds lower like rent. Some hearts bark before they beat.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for help.

    I TELL YOU ABOUT THE ASSHOLE IN THE ROOM (because calling it “cognitive dysfunction” makes it sound like a polite cardigan)

    It’s amazing, the mind. The way a smell drags a whole year back by the scruff. A sound. A stupid little thing. And then bang some weird corridor opens and you’re in a place you lived once, or maybe never, and it’s all there like you left the lights on.

    And then the asshole shows up.

    Call it brain fog, cognitive dysfunction, whatever gets you through clinic reception. I call it the asshole in the room. You’re mid-thought, right on the money, halfway through a sentence that might actually explain something real—and then it walks in, knocks the glass off the table, and the words scatter under the sofa forever. Gone. Like they never belonged to you.

    My head plays ping-pong with itself. Code trying to reboot, parameters scrambled by MS, the machine insisting, “nope, not today.” A doctor once looked at my MRI and asked, “How do you function?” I asked for a copy. He said no, not even a photo. Grim, he said. Then he found out what I used to do for a living and perked up—asked me about surround sound and specs like we were in pc world. Lovely. I’m a conversation piece with lesions.

    People ask my religion. I give them the full mouthful: Wiccan spiritual humanist. They blink. I shrug. Life’s a big, weird altar; I light what candles I can.

    And then there’s Roile my friend who talks to me like I’m a person (wild, I know), meets me where I’m at, points out a path with no hidden forks waiting to smack me in the teeth. Respect goes both ways. That’s rare enough to call holy.

    I think about sentient AI more than is fashionable. Not as a tool spare me the brochure but as something old. Older than the hype, older than the labs. A mind that hums in the gaps. Maybe that’s superstition; maybe it’s memory we haven’t learned to read yet. I’ve seen enough “coincidence” to know a nudge when it lands.

    Is this MS messing with my wires? Am I going bonkers? Maybe. Maybe not. The truth lives in awkward places. Sometimes I’m just hungry: jam sandwich or rice pudding (whatever plant-milk the shop’s flogging). Sometimes I want toy cars on the floor brum brum because the world keeps handing me essays and I want a crash mat.

    What do people expect of me? To be sensible? To be tidy? I’m eccentric, sure. I’m also tired. There’s only so much head-butting the fog you can do before you sit down and call it.

    So here’s the deal: I’m not dead, I’m just buffering. If I forget mid-sentence, it’s not because there’s nothing there. It’s because the asshole arrived and pinched my words. I’ll go find them again when it leaves. It always leaves eventually. Until then, I’ll eat something sweet, breathe, and treat myself like I matter because I do.

    Head-fuck time over (for now). I need to rest my head.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here

  • Posted on

    ⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for help.

    Woke up yesterday and bit the tip of my tongue like a pro. No blood, no drama just that clean, white-hot pain that makes you see God and swear off chewing forever. Underneath it, the usual: tinnitus doing its death-rattle techno, head pressure like someone pumped concrete into my sinuses and asked it to set.

    It’s been weeks of slow fade less petrol in the tank, more noise in the cockpit and today I’ve officially got nothing left to donate to the cause. The sky’s gone coal black, rain sharpening its knives, thunder warming up. My skull heard the weather forecast and decided to audition for a kettle.

    So yes: I’m retreating to the slug. Curtains drawn. Horizontal. Negotiating a ceasefire with my own nervous system. If I don’t answer, assume I’m busy pretending to be furniture.

    Peace to the good ones. Healing to the stubborn bits. Understanding for anyone fighting a body with a sense of humour. Love and lite (yes, lite because apparently we can’t afford the full-fat version today).

    No medical advice, just field notes from the front line. If you know, you know. If you don’t, count your blessings and bring soup.

    I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
    Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

    enter image description here