⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly—not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone—please reach out for help.
Let’s Drop the Embarrassment
MS gate crashes your sex life like a drunk uncle at a wedding: uninvited, loud, and weirdly fixated on your nerves. The pamphlets say, “You may experience changes in sexual function.” Translation: “We’re too squeamish to say your bits and brain don’t always sync.” So we’re saying it. Straight. With humour. With dignity. And without the faux-clinical tap dance.
What MS Actually Does to Sex (Short Version)
Wiring issues: numbness or oversensitivity, delayed orgasm, erectile changes, lubrication changes.
Body issues: fatigue, spasticity, pain, temperature sensitivity, bladder/bowel drama.
Brain issues: mood dips, anxiety, body-image wobble, brain fog murdering arousal mid-flow.
Relationship issues: feeling like a “patient,” awkward silence, mismatched desire.
None of this means “no sex.” It means different sex—sometimes better, because you stop faking and start designing.
The Detail (No Euphemisms)
Sensation Chaos
Numbness: direct touch may feel “off.” Work around the map: thighs, perineum, nipples, scalp, back, lips, ears. Pressure > light tickles.
Hypersensitivity: use fabric barriers (silk, cotton), hands over lube first, firm pressure instead of fluttery.
Orgasm & Arousal
Takes longer / fizzles: slow build, rhythmic stimulation, patterned breath, edging.
After-tingle = hellfire: cool packs, fan, slow landing, avoid overheating (MS hates heat).
Mobility & Spasticity
Warm up (literal warm compresses or shower).
Stretches you’d do before physio—hamstrings, hip flexors, adductors.
Positioning = everything (see cheat sheet below).
Bladder/Bowel Anxiety
Pre-emptive loo runs, avoid trigger drinks/foods beforehand, keep towels handy, agree a “no shame” pact.
If urgency’s a beast: short sessions, build trust, try non-penetrative nights.
Meds & Mood (Plain English)
Some meds blunt desire or erection, dry things out, or mess with timing.
Depression/anxiety = arousal killers. Treat them like medical problems, not moral failures.
If a drug wrecks sex, ask the prescriber about alternatives or timing tweaks.
Make It Work (Toolkit)
Plan the window: your least-fatigued time. Morning sex is criminally underrated.
Lower effort, higher payoff: toys, pillows, wedges, chairs, harnesses.
Temperature control: fan on, room cool, breathable sheets.
Lube like you mean it: water- or silicone-based—reapply without guilt.
Communication: use explicit consent language (“Green/Yellow/Red” check-ins) so you can pivot without killing the mood.
Expand the definition: oral, hands, toys, mutual masturbation, sensual massage, kink-lite with safe words. Penetration is optional, intimacy isn’t.
Positions That Work (MS-Friendly, Wheelchair-Friendly)
1) Royal Spoon (Side-Lying)
Why: minimal effort, easy hip/leg support, great if heat/fatigue spike.
How: pillows between knees and behind back. Angle hips slightly forward for access.
2) Throne Room (Seated)
Why: chair/wheelchair does the stabilising.
How: giver seated; receiver straddles or sits facing/away. Use armrests, lap belt (optional), cushions behind lower back.
3) Modified Missionary (Support Stack)
Why: familiar but doable.
How: wedge under hips, pillows under knees. Giver on forearms or kneeling. Pace slow; micro-movements beat piston nonsense.
4) Over-Bed Table / Edge Assist
Why: takes weight off arms/hips.
How: receiver bends slightly over padded surface; giver stands/kneels. Great for external stimulation too.
5) Yab-Yum Lite (Supported Lap)
Why: connection, eye contact, shallow thrusts.
How: giver seated against wall/headboard; receiver sits on lap. Pillows behind lumbar; wrap a blanket round hips for stability.
6) Starfish Massage (No-Goal Night)
Why: zero performance pressure, rediscover erogenous map.
How: oil/lotion massage, breath sync, optional toys. If arousal arrives—great. If not—also great.
Symptom → Try This (Quick Map)
Fatigue: morning window, side-lying/seated, short “sets” with breaks, breathable room.
Spasticity: warm shower, gentle stretches, fixed positions with props, slower rhythm.
Numbness: pressure-based touch, wider body map, vibrators with steady patterns.
Hypersensitivity: fabric barrier, firm—not flicky—touch; pause if burning/zinging starts.
Bladder urgency: bathroom first, towels down, agree it’s okay if accidents happen.
Erection issues: longer runway, ring (if safe), pump (if advised), PDE5 meds discussion with GP/neuro.
Dryness: quality lube, longer warmup, avoid foaming soaps pre-sex.
Scripts for Real Humans
Starting the convo:
“I love you and I miss us. MS changed what my body can do. Can we experiment and design sex that suits both of us now?”
In the moment:
“Yellow—hip cramp. Stay where you are, just slower pressure.”
After a wobble:
“That was frustrating. You didn’t do anything wrong. Let’s try the chair setup next time and keep the fan on.”
This is lived reality + practical tactics. Not medical advice. If a med or symptom is wrecking your sex life, that’s a clinical problem—take it to the Doctor without shame.
Resources
Pelvic floor physiotherapy – Ask your GP or neurologist for a referral; can improve bladder control, orgasm strength, and pelvic stability.
Sex therapy / psychosexual services – Available via NHS in some areas; ask your GP for a referral or search for accredited private practitioners.
Disability-inclusive sex shops – Look for suppliers that offer accessible toy designs, discreet packaging, and a no-hassle returns policy.
Community groups for MS + sexuality – Peer support means practical tips from people living it; search MS Society forums, Facebook groups, or local meet-ups.
I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.
