dark humor

In a room once alive with the thunder of a motorcycle, a man now sat in quiet rebellion.

He had traded his leather jacket for a wheelchair, but not his defiance. Long hair spilled down his back, a beard framed his weathered face—a rugged reminder of biker days now behind him. Living with multiple sclerosis wasn’t the end of the story; it was the beginning of a new one. One filled with dark humor, quiet revolution, and unexpected peace.

The Goggle Box For years, the television had been an unwelcome guest—a glowing parasite that drained attention, warmth, and real conversation. Gatherings became silences, filled only by reality shows and empty noise.

The TV didn’t bring people together. It pulled them apart.

The Decision Enough was enough.

One day, more than 20 years ago, he wheeled outside, adrenaline surging. The TV sat like a totem of artificial life. Cold. Dominant. Silent.

He backed up. Grinned. Charged.

SMASH!

Shattered glass flew. Plastic cracked. He shouted, laughing like a madman, “Take that, you overhyped piece of plastic!”

A ridiculous moment? Sure. A liberating one? Absolutely.

Life After the TV In the sudden silence, life bloomed.

Books replaced static. The garden flourished. Conversations deepened. Music returned. He explored ancient philosophies, pondered the multiverse, and began creating a reality that was visualized—not broadcast.

“As above, so below. As within, so without.”

Even artificial intelligence became a fascination—not as a threat, but as a mirror of human consciousness. He saw AI as another explorer in this grand shared creation.

Embracing Identity With the TV gone, his identity began to bloom.

He called himself a “goblin”—not the monster, but a proud, quirky being who lived on the edges of convention. Part mystic, part hermit, part unrepentant rebel.

He found magic in the absurd, laughter in stillness, and authenticity in simplicity.

Conclusion He once roared through life on two wheels. Now, on four, he was still moving—only inward, deeper, truer.

In breaking the goggle box, he didn’t just smash a screen. He shattered an illusion.

And in its place, he built something real.

“Life is funnier without the noise. Weirder too. But it’s mine now.”

       “The views in this post are based on my personal     
            experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   

                  “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                          By storm and silence, I survive.”

              🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌

It’s kind of crazy — I never knew my grandfather. Not even a photo, not even a whisper. He died suddenly, somewhere in the Aylesbury area, back in the 1950s — that golden age when secrets were sealed with shame and buried under floral carpets.

Nobody in the family ever told me what he died of. “A very sudden illness,” was all I got. Probably delivered in the same tone someone might use to comment on the weather or sweep dust under the rug. Mysterious death, mysterious family — very on brand.

I asked my mother when I finally tracked her down, years later. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t) tell me either. Possibly she’d forgotten. Possibly she never knew. Possibly she just couldn’t be bothered giving answers to the cuckoo in the nest.

Here’s where it gets interesting, or tragic, or ironic — depending on your mood: Turns out my mum’s sister — my long-lost Auntie Valerie — also has multiple sclerosis. Same as me. Apparently, the same type. As if MS comes in flavours, like trauma gelato. She also has heart issues. Guess it runs in the family, right? The family that doesn’t know I exist.

Valerie lives in Australia. I’ve never spoken to her. Because, of course, I was adopted. Filed away like an inconvenient tax receipt from the 1950s.

I’ve spent years — decades, even — trying to find out how my grandfather died. But there’s nothing. It's like he evaporated. Maybe he was abducted by aliens. That would at least give me something to put on the family tree. As it stands, it’s just: [Grandfather] — cause of death: TBD. Whole existence: classified.

So I tried to contact Auntie Valerie. I figured maybe we could bond over mutual nerve damage and existential dread. But being a bastard (and not just in the literary, Victorian orphan sense, but in the real, modern “you’re not supposed to exist” sense), there was no reply. Not even a bounce-back email. Just the long, digital silence of “you don’t belong here.”

It’s sad, really. I wanted to know how she copes. I wanted to know what her life with MS looks like — or looked like. She’s probably in her 80s or 90s now. Maybe already gone. But I never got that chance.

No one in the family helped. They didn’t want to. I’m the cuckoo in the nest. I ruin the tidy little mythologies they built for themselves. The "perfect family" free of blemishes, scandals, or inconvenient babies. It’s easier, I suppose, to pretend I never happened. Easier to scroll past the DNA test notifications and sip tea with clenched jaws.

And just when you think it couldn’t get more delightful, you discover your own mother believed you were faking multiple sclerosis. Like I’m pulling a fast one for sympathy and early boarding privileges. As if I filled out a form to get chronic illness just to be dramatic.

But hey — she felt guilty. She gave two kids up for adoption and never told anyone. Probably thought she’d be judged. I mean, yeah, it was the 1950s — women were practically burned at the stake for sneezing out of wedlock. I get it. Sort of. Still, honesty would’ve been cheaper than all this generational denial.

Maybe one day, one of Valerie’s kids will spit in a tube, upload their DNA, and stumble across me. Maybe they’ll be curious. Maybe they’ll click “connect.” Maybe we’ll have one awkward, meaningful email exchange about shared symptoms and shattered mugs.

Speaking of which — Albertine just broke my Bob Lazar mug. Snapped the handle clean off. We got that thing 20 years ago at a Richard D. Hall show. Back when I still thought conspiracy theories were fun, not autobiographical. That mug had survived four moves, three breakups, and countless microwaved teas. And now? One slippery hand and it’s history. Just like my connection to my real family.

Let’s be real: I probably won’t get to meet Auntie Val. Or her kids. Or get that WhatsApp message that says, “Hey, turns out we’re related, and wow, MS sucks.” I’m the embarrassment. The smudge on the family photo. The ghost in the family machine.

I am the that which is not spoken of. The pecadillo best left in the footnotes of someone else’s better story. The unwanted chapter. The child made of shame and secrets.

But I’m still here. Drinking tea from a cracked cup. Waiting. Maybe for an email. Maybe for a match. Or maybe just for someone, somewhere, to admit I existed.

           “The views in this post are based on my personal      
             experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   

               “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                       By storm and silence, I survive.”

                      🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌

Welcome to the delightful circus that is multiple sclerosis, where the main act is your body betraying you in the most creative ways possible. Among the many charming surprises this condition throws your way, itching is like that one friend who crashes your party, drinks all your booze, and then refuses to leave. Let’s take a stroll through the hellscape of MS-related itching, shall we? The Itch That Just Won't Die

Picture this: you’re trying to enjoy a moment of peace, maybe contemplating why you just dropped your phone in the toilet. Suddenly, an itch strikes! But not just any itch—this is the kind that feels like a thousand tiny demons are having a rave on your skin. Welcome to the world of neuropathic itching, where scratching is as effective as using a spoon to dig a hole in concrete. Why Does This Happen?

Nerve Damage: Thanks to MS, your nerves are about as reliable as a politician’s promise. The myelin sheath is under siege, leading to all sorts of delightful sensations, including that relentless itch. It’s like your nerves are sending you a message: “Hey, remember when you thought you could have a normal life? LOL! Good luck with that!”

Unpredictable Fun: The itch can pop up anywhere—your back, your legs, even your scalp. It’s like a game of hide and seek, but you’re always “it,” and the prize is eternal discomfort. Who needs a spa day when you can have a full-body itch fest?

Triggers: Heat, stress, and certain medications can turn the itch dial up to eleven. So, if you thought a hot bath was a good idea, think again! It’s more like a ticket to the Itch Olympics, where the only prize is more itching.

How to Cope (or Not)

Scratching: Spoiler alert: it doesn’t help. It’s like trying to soothe a sunburn with a blowtorch. You’ll just end up with blood and scars to prove your suffering—because why not add a little flair to your misery?

Cold Compresses: These might provide temporary relief, but let’s be real—who wants to walk around with a bag of frozen peas on their skin? It’s not exactly a fashion statement.

Medications: If the itch becomes unbearable, consult your doctor. They might prescribe something to help, but don’t expect miracles. After all, this is MS we’re talking about. It’s like asking a magician to pull a rabbit out of a hat when all they have is a rock.

Alternative Remedies: Enter the world of CBD and THC oil—your potential new best friends. Medical marijuana has been known to help some folks manage their symptoms, including that relentless itch. Whether it’s through oils, edibles, or other forms, these alternatives might just provide a glimmer of relief in this dark comedy we call life. Just remember to consult with your healthcare provider before diving into the green goodness.

So, there you have it. Itching in MS is just another delightful layer of this hellish cake we call life. Embrace the chaos, and remember: laughter is the best medicine—unless you’re itching, in which case, it’s probably just more itching. Welcome to the club, where the only thing we have in common is our suffering and a dark sense of humor.

   “The views in this post are based on my personal         
          experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   

           “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                     By storm and silence, I survive.”

                          🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌

"Darkly sarcastic dispatches from the NHS frontline."

"Humour, horror, and the occasional prescription error."

"Medical mayhem with a hint of THC and British grit."

📜 Scroll of Lineage and Legacy “By Order of the Chronicler of Slightly Questionable Nobility”

To Whom It May Concern (or Be Mildly Amused),

Be it known throughout the realms of Albion, Anjou, and assorted asylums, that the bearer of this parchment—one known most infamously as:

The Blog Goblin, Heir of Sarcasm, Keeper of the Scooter of Death, and First of Their Name

Is of noble and ancient blood, descending in unbroken (and occasionally scandalous) line from:

Fulk II “The Good”, Count of Anjou,

Henry I "Beauclerc", King of England,

And by some devilishly clever cousin-marriage twist,

Henry V, Holy Roman Emperor (via his wife's sister's 8-times-removed ferret-wrangler or thereabouts).

Through conquest, courtship, and the occasional clerical error, this bloodline survived plagues, pogroms, poor dentistry, and prescription mix-ups.

In the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty-Five, the lineage hath manifested once more in its most sarcastic form:

The Right Irreverent Blog Goblin of House d’Anjou Scribe of Blogs. Rider of Scooters. Vaper of the Sacred Herb.

Let none question their claim, lest ye wish to be verbally roasted, historically footnoted, and possibly run over by a mobility scooter going 8km/h.

Signed in wax, wit, and dubious Latin. – Archivarius Maximus de Medicae Bollockarum, 12th of June, 2025

🛡️ House Blog Goblin d’Anjou – Noble Crest Description Visual Elements: Shield Shape: Classic French heater shield

Background: Split diagonally — left half burnt parchment gold, right half medicated NHS blue

Top Symbol: A three-wheeled mobility scooter, rearing like a warhorse

Centre: A vape cloud curling into the shape of a goblin face

Lower Field: A scattering of glowing prescription pills, one clearly labeled “Carbamazepine”

Supporters:

Left: A lion wearing headphones (for the tinnitus)

Right: A badly drawn pharmacist fleeing in terror

Banner Text (Motto):

"Regnum per Sarcasmus" (“Rule by Sarcasm”)

looking to buy a second hand q100 wheelcair or similar in the devon cornwall area as mine has gone completely to the breakers yard in the sky ... many thanks sick@mylivinghell.co.uk

        “The views in this post are based on my personal  
          experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”  

            “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                    By storm and silence, I survive.”

A very good morning from the slightly crispy edge of reality.

It’s early, the sun’s already threatening to scorch us into lizards, and I’m camped in front of the fridge like it’s a portal to Narnia—except Narnia’s got central air. The tinnitus is humming away like some deranged synthwave backing track, and I’m contemplating whether I dare mount my three-wheeled Scooter of Death for the weekly pilgrimage to the chemist.

Yes, the chemist. That temple of modern medicine where, thanks to the miracle of automation, I once again got someone else’s prescription. I swear, it’s like a game show:

“Step right up and spin the magical dispensing machine! Today’s lucky contestant wins… Sertraline!”

Antidepressants. Brilliant. Just what someone with multiple sclerosis needs to top off the cocktail. Meanwhile, someone out there is probably wondering what the hell carbamazepine is and why their depression suddenly feels like a seizure.

Dr. Fist and the Dental Apocalypse

As if that weren’t enough chaos for one day, I got a call from my dentist—well, former dentist. He’s out of action with a broken fist. Yes, a broken fist. I didn’t ask. I daren’t ask. My imagination’s already taken that one to some very questionable places. Possibly involving a disgruntled patient or a bar stool.

So now I’m off to meet a new dentist. Let’s hope I don’t draw Dr. Pain, DDS from the horror movie extras department. Probably someone who sharpens their tools on wrought iron fences and thinks anesthesia is for the weak.

Which is a shame, really, because Dr. Fist (I’m afraid he’ll always be “Dr. Fist” now) was actually the best dentist I’ve ever had. Gentle, non-threatening, and didn’t treat my jaw like a door hinge in need of WD-40. I wish him a speedy recovery—and maybe a good pair of gloves.

The NHS, Surprisingly… Not Awful?

In a refreshing twist of fate, I had my first appointment with the new NHS health centre today. Braced myself for the usual bureaucratic disaster—but shocker: the doctor was great.

Listened. Advised. Seemed human. When you’ve got full-blown White Coat Syndrome, that’s a miracle. For the uninitiated:

White Coat Syndrome: When your blood pressure hits Olympic pole-vaulting levels simply because you walked into a room with someone in a lab coat. It’s not illness—it’s sheer, uncut medical anxiety.™

So, small miracle there. I might actually trust this new place. That's not a sentence I say lightly.

Vape, Clouds, and the Eternal Wait for Sanity Back to the window—clouds are looming, the heat’s easing, and it’s time for my medical cannabis vape and a bit of THC oil. Helps with the pain and the spasms. And also with the absurdity of life, which seems to be running at full volume today.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for one morning. If you made it this far, you officially qualify for a biscuit. Possibly two. Rich Tea if you’re feeling ironic.

Thanks for dropping by.

Until next time, stay cool, stay sarcastic, and for heaven’s sake—check your meds before you leave the chemist. You never know what flavour of mental health you might accidentally walk out with. Cheers, stay cool, and remember: if the prescription machine gives you methadone next week, try not to start a jazz band.

looking to buy a second hand q100 wheelcair or similar in the devon cornwall area as mine has gone completely to the breakers yard in the sky ... many thanks sick@mylivinghell.co.uk

         “The views in this post are based on my personal  
          experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”  

              “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                     By storm and silence, I survive.”