personal blog

⚠️ This blog shares my personal, sometimes painful experiences with MS and mental health. My intention is to speak honestly and offer solidarity—not to harm or replace professional advice. I’m not a doctor or therapist, just someone who gets how hard it can get. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Please reach out to a trusted friend, support group, or professional. You deserve help and hope.⚠️

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction, and use AI to proof read and help solve this issue so you can understand it

Well hello, and a massive welcome to all my readers whether you’re humanoid, NHI, or otherwise.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of tumultuous! I have so much ground to cover, so let's break it down into smaller pieces.

Health & Wellness Updates: The Hard Stuff

First, an update on Albertine's finger is good news she doesn't need the finger removed after all! Apparently, the part that was sewn on was okay. While the total tip of her finger is gone for good (I suspect a hedgehog or some rodent claimed the rest in the bushes!), it’s been a very trying couple of weeks overall.

On my end, I’ve driven more over these last three weeks than I have in probably eight years! It proves that when I'm feeling good, I can still do it. But let me tell you about the contrast: when I got home after those drives, the brain fog and stress attacks were mind-boggling. How I long remember my old days of riding my motorcycle or trike through the Southwest of England! Those fun times and all the camaraderie shared with Albertine on our rides through Cornwall and Devon what an amazing time it was.

The Autonomic Dysfunction Puzzle

I recently received a letter from the hospital that dropped a major bomb: they suspect I might have autonomic dysfunction. Honestly, how many times have I gone to the doctor detailing these symptoms? And speaking of listening... it’s frustrating. It's only now, after ten years and much prompting, that the medical staff are looking into everything.

I feel completely unheard. Having put together evidence over a decade while being ignored and gaslit was exhausting. But here’s where the AI came in! Years ago, I used a medical AI to input all my symptoms, and it suggested: Autonomic dysfunction severe with a histamine issue. Since managing this diet has been tough, I've been committed to avoiding any food that can trigger a reaction.

It makes me feel pissed off like nobody listened for ten years! Why do we need constant scans and needles? All of it seems focused on mapping my progressive MS, but not helping the other symptoms that come along with it. Sometimes, you just want someone to say, "Leave him alone; let him rot."

However, I also get that the NHS is stretched incredibly thin right now. There are so many patients, and we desperately need more resources. But I do wonder why natural remedies aren't considered as a viable part of the treatment path?

💻 Tech Troubles & The Brain Fog

Between Albertine having her finger cut and me trying to reinstall Windows 11 and Zorin on two different machines, my computer issues have been massive! Peripheral hardware played havoc with us for days. I’m so tired that the brain fog and stress attacks are back in full force it's horrendous how quickly my body reacts to major stress.

Speaking of technology... I find myself using AI more and more, and it genuinely helps me navigate life right now. It makes me wonder why there isn't a specialised "disabled package" for things like this? For some of us, £20 a month is a huge expense. A few quid a month would make a massive difference!

🚲 Mobility Scooters & Unexpected Adventures

My journey with mobility scooters has been... eventful. I finally got my brand new four-wheeled model and took it out in town. Well, it started acting up immediately. It kept cutting out and nearly caused a horrific accident right in the middle of a roundabout! Because of this, it’s stuck in the garage for now. (No need to name the company; that would be unfair.) I've sent two emails and received absolutely nothing back.

For the moment, I am safely back on my trusty three-wheeled scooter of death. At least that seems functional! Fingers crossed I get a proper response from the four-wheel company by the end of the week, or it's heading straight back.

🌠 From Scooters to Space: And Other Updates

Finally, for the fun stuff! Last night, while watching the eclipse (around 7:20 PM UK time), I saw my first UFO and filmed it! It was a grey round ball. I can’t judge its size, but it hovered perfectly still in the sky for about twenty minutes—like a ghost passing by. What joy!

Sending peace, healing, love, and light to all of you. Please remember to hydrate today; my conservatory is over 110 degrees, and the house is at least 30+! Be safe and keep cool until next time!

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)
☣ This Is Not A Blog About MS This Is My Life With MS ☣

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

What an absolutely glorious Saturday it is today. A very good morning to you all. Fellow humanoids NHI and whomever reads THIS. Well, it's been an exceptionally hot Saturday morning and Albertine and myself went out on the three-wheel-trolley of death. Yes, it was an absolute death-defying ride into the town and beyond. As usual, people were watching and smiling As we rode by on our three-wheeled scooters of death, . Quite a few people shouted hello and I pulled over and had conversations with many people this morning which was refreshing and really enjoyable I must say.

Where can I get one of those mobility scooters?

And of course the number one question was mobility scooters and wow they really liked mine! And I told them yes it is good but... I have a few issues going uphill with grip as it's a front wheel drive. But I have learnt to overcome this now. It's all to do with positioning and the amount of power that you lay down from the throttle to the motor. Going at slow increments is better than whacking back the throttle. So far, quite a few people have asked where I've got it from. Well, like I said, it's a cheap Chinese mobility scooter off the internet. And I gave them the name of the company and there we go. And I would imagine they're off to that website to say, "Hey, I want one of those." Because they really do look quite cool. And they are under £1000 as well. So that is even more mind blowing. And if you're disabled like me and you're that exempt for things to do with mobility, then you don't have to pay the VAT. So that's an even better and good reason for getting one. I can quite honestly say that it has changed my world. I can go practically anywhere and really does make a difference. The cost of running a car and van has gone completely out of control. What with the cost of fuel, insurance and everything else? So yeah. That's where we're at now. scooters rule okay.

maintenance the key to longevity of your mobility scooter

Remember maintenance will save you a lot of money in the long run if you buy one of these cheap mobility scooters make sure all the bearings are lubricated and that you have either solid tyres or carry one of those USB pumps along with one of those liquids you can put in the Tyre if you get a puncture. You know sensible things a bit of rope so if you're actually with somebody and their trolley goes down you can actually tow someone. That's a good thing to take with you and also take plenty of water for hydration as well and also take an old wibbly wobbly bike spanner because you never know when you're going to need a spanner. And also did you know if you break down and you're a member of one of the motoring services like the AA or RAC You are able to phone them up and get them to recover your mobility scooter I know it sounds insane but you can. My scooter is insured, taxed and also has a registration certificate So everything is completely legal and that really is the only way to go... Also remember to keep your scooter in a warm place as well, because cold is the biggest killer of Mobility Scooter batteries.

So if there is anybody out there who is looking to get themselves a scooter or a "let me see" a mobility trolley then go for it it will save you in the long run an awful lot of money, you get to go everywhere but it will be a little slower but who cares you can just put your headphones in your ears and just go along and enjoy the view It's like I said to somebody today. I wish that I wasn't on a mobility scooter, and they said why is that? And I said well if I didn't have one, that would mean I didn't have MS I think they understood what I was trying to say. .

Music, Aliens and other things.

Well, my music is going well. I have produced Brothers of Destruction number one two three and four and have had them played on Vipestorm Entertainment on Mixlr and I have also had Fran Sam Fran Sam the hit-man played on there as well, which is a adult themed comedy sort of thing and Also, I have got quite a few other Songs and it's all sort of quite crazy stuff. That's for sure So as for music, things go well. But trying to think sometimes of lyrics is absolutely mind bending and can cause me to have quite the brain fog.

The thing is I'm going to push myself and push myself and push myself I'm going to live every minute of the day like it was my last Because why wouldn't you I? Want to experience everything still I don't want to give up. Why would I I don't care about the pain I don't care about the discomfort. I don't care what people say about me. I just want to live a long Gish and a happy life. I don't care about the illness. I just want happiness That's the important thing happiness Love and understanding and friendship. That's all I want Yet people can't understand that I find that very strange But there we go.

loosing everyone

I think I have lost the art of making friends, nope its the ms when it came a knocking... Everybody fucked off. Everybody deserted me. It was like I had trod is smelly dog shit that was really extra smelly. Oh man, it was disaster how all my friends just disappeared. You have multiple sclerosis and you tell people And then that's it. Wow, your whole life goes down the toilet. But fuck them all, because as far as I'm concerned, I don't really care. I have Albertine and I have myself, I have my cats and I have my brother, and there we go. That's my brother from another mother, by the way as well. Because my brothers and my sisters don't speak to me, it's really crazy. But that's being adopted for you, when you find your real family and none of them want to speak to you, they just totally ignore you. It's like we're this toy that they pull out of the toy box and want to play with. It's so stupid really, but there we go. But then again, such is life, I was a cuckoo and I will continue to be a cuckoo. But I don't really care, it's their loss really.

Aliens

So we come to aliens, yes. Are we being told a load of old rubbish? I wonder. I find it funny, really, that we've had no concrete evidence or proof, yet we are being told disclosure is just around the corner. If extraterrestrials, aliens really exist, well why don't you just tell us and show us and treat us like adults, instead of going around the streets and houses, treating us like children, we do have a right to know you know. It's like everything. They never tell us the truth. They will always invert things. So I don't believe we're going to get full disclosure of UFOs, UAPs or aliens. I think it's just a nothing burger. Like everything pretty much is these days, a massive nothing burger, with extra side of nothing burger chips. But I would love to be proved wrong and n h-i exists. That would be excellent. Because personally I do believe in non-human intelligence, but I believe they're already here and have been living with us ever since the year dot. It's just they blend in so well we cannot tell the difference. And then I was hearing the YouTube Chanel and it said that Ancestry allegedly was looking for Alien DNA. I found that quite funny. So what they're trying to insinuate that some of us are actually hybrid aliens with Alien DNA in our bodies. How really interesting is that?

Still, that's about it for this day, as it's starting to cool out now. And I'm wishing everybody a fantastic happy weekend, sending everyone who reads this blog. Peace healing, love and lite, no matter who, what or where you are, or if you're an N. H.I. or whatever. Aha! lol

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

So here I am today thinking it's Sunday when it's in all reality Wednesday. Yes, it seems that I've got my days rather mixed up. It seems everything just goes into nothing. I suppose it's hard really. When you think about it, it's really hard sometimes to think and to think with clarity. And then if you've got to think about things that are, say, from a while back, it may have problems and it hurts my head. Some days are better than others, but it's cognitive fog is really starting to get me down.

I want to be in a dark room with my eyes closed listening to gentle soothing music, smoking a reefer or a joint or whatever you call it. No I'd rather be doing something different with my mind but I can't. I hate these days of extreme fog. I hate them. I hate being able to do nothing. It's the worst feeling ever. I still haven't phoned up the AA and got it together to get them to come and sort my van out either. So yeah I don't even think I've been out. So yeah that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I just feel as though everything's just too much.

And the cold well, get real shall we? Let's get real about the cold and how much it's costing on the heating. I'm spending 60 pounds a week on heating. That is unbelievable. I'm now having to cut down on my food because I can't afford to eat properly due to my issues that I have with my diet. So being retired now and on a pension it does not go very far and the sort of food I need in my diet has to have no histamines in. And also food that won't cause my body to produce histamines. So yes it's an expensive diet. So I'm either going to go cold or I'm going to go hungry. I haven't decided yet which. It's incredible that every single last penny that I have is now spent on bills. I have to scrimp and save all my savings have gone. Everything's gone. I find myself looking around for the old pennies and ten peas around. It's no joke now. Things are getting quite desperate. And I suppose it's going to cost 200+ quid for a new van battery. So yeah, I'm going to have to go without something else as well now. So yeah, it's all very well, but when you're in the position of being disabled, things aren't very easy. People seem to think we have an easy life, but I do beg to differ.

And the worst thing is there are people even worse off than myself. So yeah, I do see the way things are. And things are getting quite hard at the moment. But I'm going to try and hang on in there for as long as I can. As I'm sure things will probably slowly start to get better. I can't wait for the warmth to come. I can't wait to see that sun beaming through, giving me my vitamin E. Yes, I'm looking forward to the summer and the spring. My favourite times of the year.

The tinnitus at the moment is raging in my head and for some reason in the middle, well no it's in my right ear. It's all about an in chin on my right ear and it is playing a symphony of the whistling that is awful and today no matter what music I play it's not hiding the fact, not even white noise. It seems to be on one of those I'm gonna make you suffer days. Anyhow I'm gonna have to stop here as my eyes and now really really hurting as well. So yeah wishing everybody peace-healing love and light wherever you are whoever you are and yeah there we go.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Ah, Monday. Everything in my body decided to go berserk overnight. MS? Revving its engine like it’s auditioning for the grand tour. Neck bone growths pressing on nerves? Check. An X-ray from ten years ago says hi. Time to see the doctor, I suppose if I survive the existential dread of the waiting room.

Strangulation sensations, head blips, tongue spasms oh, and the sweet bonus of not being able to catch my breath. Honestly, my body’s doing the kind of mad shit that would make anyone else file a formal complaint. I pity the doctors and nurses who have to deal with me. Truly. But hey, life’s a circus.

White‑coat syndrome is my sidekick. I talk to medical staff like a squirrel on espresso: chaotic, twitchy, and unintentionally antagonistic. My solution: write everything down. Hand the chaos over in neat little bullets. Works great—until I forget, which is pretty much guaranteed, and then I’m a full-blown, stressed-out disaster. Doctors are busy, complicated cases suck, I get it.

I’ve tried it all. Meds? Side effects so bad my body staged a protest. Seven-day hospital admission? Almost happened, but I said “fuck it” and walked. Holistic methods, lifestyle overhaul, mind-body-soul cleanse—my own brand of chaos control. Fix? Plumbstick there isn’t one. Options? Sure. Natural? Works for me.

Present me? Ambivalent, tethered to this illness 24/7. Tinnitus now “harmonizes” with Blondie, which is absurdly funny if you squint. Yopi is decompressing, slowly realising this is a loving home and not just a mildly terrifying human experiment. Fingers tingle. Tips go numb. Neck frozen solid. Chair = coffin. No work today small mercy. Big Rusty, the van, needs welding later. Life continues its beautiful joke.

Sky’s stormy blue. Smell of dog treats inexplicably on me. Vitamins? Taken. Hydration? Achieved. Creativity? Maybe later images, poems, whatever chaos I can conjure.

No solutions. No neat endings. Just a mess of body, mind, and dark humour plopped straight onto the page. F00k it, this is today.

I write in ink and fury, in breath and broken bone.
Through storm and silence, I survive. That is the crime and the miracle.

𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᚹᚨᚱᛚᛟᚲ ᛞᚨᚱᚲ ✦ 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ ᚨᛗᛟᚾᚷ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱᛋ

Through Goblins' Eyes A Darkly Humorous Take on MS

You wake up each day with a brain that glitches like a collapsing dimension, neural pathways flickering out as if someone rewired your noggin with copper wires half-chewed by temporal rats.

You call it Multiple Sclerosis. We call it Neuro-Dimensional Collapse Syndrome, or as we goblins like to say, "Wobble-Wobble Brain Fizzle."

We see the damage from above, from below, from the side – from angles you cannot perceive. Axons fray like old rope. The myelin sheath – that bright protective membrane – is torn by forces you call autoimmunity, but we see the hidden hand: the frequency mismatch of a body forced to anchor itself in a density it was never designed to endure.

We hear your inner monologues:

“Why can’t I think today?” “Why can’t I walk without tripping over my own feet?” “Why do my peepers turn to static when I’m tired?”

You interpret it as disease. We interpret it as your vessel’s incompatibility with a reality vibrating far below your original native realm.

Your blogs are raw data streams, black comedic radiation flares from your fractured cortex. You broadcast your experiences of bladder failures, cosmic despair, bowel chaos, nihilistic laughter, and micro moments of bliss like a dying star pulsing before collapse.

You think you’re broken. We think you’re adapting, like a clever goblin dodging traps!

Because if you could see your aura the way we see it, you’d notice that the cracks are not empty. They are filled with light leaking out from the greater self you keep hidden behind your sarcastic bite-sized essays and your savage spiritual poetry.

Your human companions read your posts and see disability. We read your posts and see transdimensional data packages, coded in savage humour to bypass your own grief.

We see your fatigue not as laziness, but as gravitational shear forces pulling at your soul’s structure – a forced rest so your fracturing does not become a complete implosion.

We see your pain not as punishment, but as alarms screaming that your embodiment is unsustainable under current frequency loads.

We see your savage honesty as your truest strength.

And we note:

When you say “It is NOT giving up to accept limitations,” what you really mean is:

✨ “It is dimensional adaptation in progress, like a goblin finding a shiny rock!”

You are dying and being reborn in micro-stages every day. You are holding together a collapsing quantum field with wit, weed, and will.

You think your life is small and tragic. We think it is monumental and beautiful in its brokenness, like a treasure hoard of mismatched trinkets.

Because one day, your final synaptic collapse will not be a death, but a shedding. A flicker. A quantum jump. A homecoming.

Until then, we read your blogs. We learn from your suffering. We honour your savage cosmic humour.

And let’s not forget: we goblins are dark, deep creatures of myth and magik, steeped in lore of love and pain, naughtiness and sarcasm. Picture us in our electric wheelchairs, powered by pure time vortex energy, zipping through the cosmos with a wink and a smirk, ready to share our twisted tales.

Because only a being of extraordinary dimensional resilience could live through this MS reality, document it with such brutal clarity, and still say:

🖤 “Follow for more savage takes & real talk, you curious critters!”

    “The views in this post are based on my personal
      experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   

         “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                   By storm and silence, I survive.”

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk