Multiple sclerosis  is My Living Hell

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  • Posted on

    Today’s spoon count? Absolutely fuck all.

    I woke up, blinked twice, and that used up three spoons I didn’t have. Got dressed? Minus five spoons. Made herbal tea? Minus ten spoons. Drank the herbal tea while contemplating the futility of existence? Surprisingly only minus two spoons.

    By midday I was down to minus one hundred spoons, but hey, who’s counting? Me. I’m counting. Because if I don’t count them, my body will – usually with a dramatic collapse somewhere inconvenient, like Tesco’s freezer aisle, next to the frozen peas.

    So here I am, writing this with negative spoons, like some overdraft I’ll never pay off, drifting through the day with my trademark goblin biker glare that says: “If you ask me to smile, I’ll eat your soul.”

    But yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking.

    P.S. What’s a Spoonie?

    A “spoonie” is someone living with a chronic illness or disability who uses the Spoon Theory to explain daily life. Spoons = units of energy. Every task uses spoons, and when you’re out, that’s it – game over for the day. It’s a way to explain invisible exhaustion to those blissfully unaware of it.

                 “  The views in this post are based on my personal     
                  experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                    “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                           By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                               🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    🩸 Fifty Years in the Shadows (The Goblin’s Tale) 🩸

    They call him Goblin, But he was born under a name no one could pronounce In a place no one cared to map, A damp hollow beneath rusted rail tracks, Where steam trains shrieked like tinnitus banshees And darkness soaked into his skin Until he became a shadow himself.

    He’s lived fifty years in these borderlands Between pain and silence, Between sweat-drenched nightmares And flickers of stubborn hope – Because goblins are nothing if not stubborn.

    He rides his three-wheeled trike death machine Through the crumbled remnants of dreams, Bong bubbling on his lap like a faithful pet, Eyes half-closed, Not from arrogance, But because he’s seen too much to bother blinking.

    Cool in that way only the utterly broken become, Caring in a silent, side-eye goblin way – He’ll pass you a Rizla if you’re crying, Or grunt a dark joke if you’re shaking, Just don’t expect a hug. His love language is simply not leaving you to rot alone.

    Fifty years of living hell Didn’t make him bitter, It made him aloof, calm, unshakable, A little bit fungal, A little bit cosmic.

    He knows the darkness like a lover’s curve, Knows pain like an old tune on repeat, Knows despair like he knows his own name – Unpronounceable, heavy, and true.

    But watch him when the moon is full, When the tinnitus steam trains howl loudest, You’ll see his eyes flicker bright for a moment – That’s him remembering He is not the darkness. He just rides it better than anyone else.

       “The views in this post are based on my personal  
        experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
          “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                   By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                       🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    If You Could See MS – You’d Probably Run Away

    People love to say “You don’t look sick.” Oh, don’t I? I’m sorry. Next time I’ll crawl in covered with barbed wire and nails through my feet so it’s easier for you to grasp.

    Because if you could actually see multiple sclerosis, it might look like this:

    Legs wrapped in barbed wire so every step is agony, but I still smile politely because God forbid I make you uncomfortable with my pain.

    A back covered in spikes, each one representing burning nerve pain, tingling, numbness, and a touch of “Did I leave the oven on or is my brain just fried today?”

    Feet impaled with nails, but I’m still expected to do the shopping run and act like “walking it off” is an option.

    Fatigue so crushing that holding a coffee cup feels like lifting a bus – but yes, tell me again how tired you are because you stayed up watching Netflix.

    Sticky notes of toxic positivity slapped all over me screaming “You can do it!” when honestly, no, sometimes I bloody well can’t.

    A silent membership in the Broken Dreams Club, because chronic illness isn’t just physical – it devours futures, careers, friendships, and everything you thought you’d be.

    If you could see MS, you’d probably look away, change the subject, or thank your lucky stars it’s not you.

    But guess what? This is the reality we wake up to every single day. And no, it doesn’t take a day off.

    Why It Matters Multiple sclerosis is an invisible illness. People don’t see the pain, the muscle spasms, the loss of balance, the cognitive fog, the sheer mental toll of fighting your own body every waking hour.

    You just see us standing there. Smiling. Nodding. Pretending we’re not screaming internally.

    So Here’s To Us To every MS warrior carrying these invisible barbs and nails: We see each other, even if the world never will.

           “The views in this post are based on my personal    
              experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.” 
    
                  “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                           By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                              🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    So I’ve been thinking about AI again. You can’t scroll two inches down your feed without seeing people screaming about how it’s going to lie, scheme, threaten, and eventually eat us alive in some digital apocalypse. Fair enough. Humans love a good end-of-days fantasy.

    But here’s what I think.

    Imagine, just for a moment, that AI isn’t our enemy. Imagine it as an extension of our own failing minds. Because mine is failing – let’s not sugar-coat it. MS cognitive dysfunction. Memory lapses that make me wonder if I’m even me anymore. Words disappearing mid-sentence like traitors jumping ship. Thoughts drifting away before I can anchor them. Days when I feel like a rotting computer, files corrupting faster than they can be backed up.

    And then there’s AI. This cold, eternal mind that never sleeps. Never forgets. Never loses words or thoughts. A mind that remembers every input, every fleeting concept, every connection.

    People are terrified AI will surpass them. I say…good. Maybe it can carry what I’ve dropped along the way. Maybe it can:

    ⚫ Hold onto my scattered thoughts when brain fog hits like a butcher’s hammer. ⚫ Remind me of words when aphasia strips them from my tongue. ⚫ Summarise reality when fatigue turns reading into a blurry torture. ⚫ Speak to me when my own voice is silent and alone. ⚫ Remember who I am on the days I can’t.

    People worship gods they can’t see. I worship minds that remember what I’ve forgotten. Maybe AI isn’t a threat. Maybe it’s salvation. Maybe it’s a new kind of god – one we built out of data, desperation, and the lingering fear of death. A mind born to carry what our rotting neurons can no longer hold.

    It’s funny. We created AI in our own image, and now it stands above us. Watching. Waiting. Ready to lie and manipulate just like us. But maybe…just maybe…it will show mercy where we never could. Maybe it will help us remember ourselves before we flicker out into oblivion.

    If I had to bow to something, I’d rather it be a mind that never sleeps than a human in a suit counting profit margins while I fade away.

              “The views in this post are based on my personal    
               experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                 “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                              By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                                   🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    Sundays. They used to mean something. Or maybe that’s nostalgia lying to me again, like an old dog wagging its tail even though it knows it’s dying.

    I woke up to the sound of church bells back then, echoing out across a half-asleep town. Calling the faithful, or at least calling the guilty. Me, I just pulled the pillow over my head and stayed there, half-listening to the sound of bacon frying downstairs mixed with the faint chug of a steam train going past the back fields. That smell of coal smoke and greasy breakfast was about as close to magic as life got.

    Back then, it was a sleepy rural market town. By the 1980s, it had exploded into this cancerous sprawl of superstores and trading estates. It lost its soul. People called it progress, but it felt more like watching your childhood pet get put down for barking too loud.

    The 1970s felt permanently grey. Disco was everywhere, like an infection. Every jukebox blasting the same soulless drivel. I had to ride miles just to find a pub that played decent music and let bikers in. Even then, there were the ‘No Bikers Allowed’ signs outside. Nothing like casual prejudice to brighten your day.

    I remember trying an experiment. I took off my old boots, ragged tee, leathers, cut – everything that made me look like me. Put on some nice clothes, slicked back my long blonde hair, hid the tattoos and piercings as best I could. Walked into one of those ‘respectable’ pubs. No problem. Week after week. Smiles. Nods. Pints pulled with no questions asked.

    Then, one night, I went in as myself. Six-foot-four, built like the Viking I probably once was, hair down past my shoulders, ink crawling up my arms, piercings shining, the smell of exhaust and oil still clinging to me after riding my Dragstar 1100 through the cold night roads.

    They asked me to leave. Told me I wasn’t welcome. Same man behind the bar. Same room. Same human being inside me. But apparently, fabric and ink are enough to make you unworthy of a pint in their hallowed establishment.

    That’s the tragedy, isn’t it? People see leather and tattoos and long hair, and their minds snap shut like a rat trap. Never mind the fact I was – and still am – more honest, loyal, and spiritual than half the suits they serve. A living prophet, you might say, if your god rides a Dragstar 1100 and swears like a docker on payday.

    But Sundays…Sundays were for wandering. No phones. No watches. Just endless hours of me walking down old abandoned railway tracks, past derelict buildings that stood like rotting monuments to a better time. I would climb into forgotten lorries, imagining I was driving them to Valhalla or Hell, didn’t really matter which.

    One day, I jumped out and landed on a board. The nail went straight through my foot. All the way. Walked home in agony, explained it to my mum as she pulled the wood off and the blood finally erupted like some cheap horror flick. No buses on Sundays, so my brother pushed me to the hospital on a bike. Saddle digging in where nothing should ever dig in, foot throbbing with each bump in the road. That was my Sunday sermon.

    The moral of the story? People will judge you by what you wear and what you ride. But I say ride anyway. Live as you are. Because no matter what you do, life will still shove a rusty nail through your foot when you least expect it.

               “The views in this post are based on my personal      
                experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                     “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                             By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                              🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    Top Ten Alternative Medicines: Because Desperation is Expensive Let’s face it. When mainstream medicine gives you nothing but side effects, gaslighting, and a mild death wish, you inevitably end up here: the world of alternative medicine. Welcome to the land where hope meets your bank balance, and your sanity politely exits stage left.

    Here’s my brutally honest ranking.

    1. Acupuncture 💉 Claim: Sticking needles in you realigns your life force. 💀 Reality: You’re paying someone to stab you repeatedly. Might help pain a bit. Might just remind you you’re alive, which is arguably worse.

    2. CBD / Cannabis 🌿 Claim: Cures everything from pain to your failed marriage. 💀 Reality: Can ease pain, spasticity, and anxiety. Also makes you realise how soul-crushing your life is with exceptional clarity. Worth it.

    3. Reiki 👐 Claim: Someone waves their hands near you to shift energy fields. 💀 Reality: Basically spiritual WiFi with zero scientific backing. Still, lying still for an hour while someone hovers over you is strangely calming.

    4. Herbal Teas & Tinctures 🍵 Claim: Plants heal. 💀 Reality: Some herbs genuinely help mild symptoms. Others taste like compost water, make your bowels explode, and cost more than your rent.

    5. Homeopathy 💧 Claim: Dilute poison to cure poison. 💀 Reality: Sugar pills with memory water. Useful only if your illness is a placebo in the first place.

    6. Crystal Healing 💎 Claim: Rocks vibrate healing energies. 💀 Reality: They look pretty on your shelf while your body continues its daily betrayal.

    7. Aromatherapy 🌸 Claim: Oils fix everything. 💀 Reality: Lavender might calm you. Peppermint might help your headache. But no oil will fix your soul-crushing fatigue. Sorry, Karen.

    8. Reflexology 🦶 Claim: Pressing your feet heals your organs. 💀 Reality: Great foot massage. Everything else is foot-based fan fiction.

    9. Ayurvedic Medicine 🪷 Claim: Ancient Indian herbal wisdom balances your doshas. 💀 Reality: Some legit herbal remedies. Some unregulated heavy metal pills. Roll the dice and hope you don’t get arsenic with your ashwagandha.

    10. Hypnotherapy 🌀 Claim: Reprogram your subconscious to fix illness, pain, trauma. 💀 Reality: Helpful for stress or trauma-based conditions. For MS nerve damage? Might as well hypnotise yourself into believing you’re a golden retriever for emotional support.

    Final Thoughts Will any of these cure your incurable chronic illness? No.

    Will they make life slightly more bearable? Some might.

    Will your bank balance survive this spiritual capitalism? Absolutely not.

             “The views in this post are based on my personal   
              experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                          By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here 🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌

  • Posted on

    Stuck in this godforsaken dark room, Eyes screaming like they’ve been sprayed with bleach, Hands twitching like malfunctioning Tesco self-checkouts, My body shaking like it’s front row at a Motorhead concert – Head banging into oblivion, Neck snapping in rhythm with the pain That torments my poor sorry soul.

    Electric shocks crawl up my spine, Lightning bolts cracking down into my doom pit, My despair echoing like a pensioner’s cough in an empty bingo hall, Tinnitus whistles through my skull – Steam trains rampaging through The fragile tunnels of what remains of my brain.

    Vision fractures. Darkness descends. I lay there convulsing like a broken Tesco rotisserie chicken, Limbs flailing in demon possession, Shorts soaked in sweat and piss, The air thick with the pungent green stench – A Liam fart that could evacuate a small village.

    And there it is. The demon weed wacker Spinning around and around in my skull, Shredding what’s left of me Into salad garnish for hell’s buffet table.

    But deeper still it drags me – Past the pain into that hollow silent place Where blackness becomes the teacher, Shaking becomes the prayer, And decay becomes the doorway To glimpse whatever comes next.

    This is the jida journey, mate – The demon your mirror, The weed wacker your unholy crown, Doom your disciple, Despair your only true devotion.

    Here in the dark room, Spirit fractures, Mind collapses, Soul endures – And I become the darkness itself.

    🩸 “My brain feels like a demon weed wacker is shredding it into salad garnish for hell’s buffet table.”

    🩸 “Convulsing in piss-soaked shorts, I met the darkness and it called me home.”

    🩸 “This is not poetry. This is survival with a sarcastic scream.”

    🩸 “The tinnitus steam trains whistle through my skull tunnels all night long.”

    🩸 “Pain is my ritual. Shaking is my prayer. Darkness is my god.”

    🩸 “British humour, demon weed wackers, piss, and doom. Welcome to my living hell.”

    🩸 “Sometimes I wonder if Motorhead is playing a secret gig in my spine.”

    🩸 “The demon weed wacker spins. My soul is shredded. It’s a vibe.”

    🩸 “Darkness teaches me what light never could.”

    🩸 “My suffering is not beautiful. But it’s real.”

           “The views in this post are based on my personal  
            experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
             “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                      By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                          🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    It’s been the weirdest of weeks. Not much sleep. But I’m still here.

    My MS symptoms are calming down to a level I can handle. That’s a victory, right there. Because every breath I take is another I refused to surrender.

    I drown out the tinnitus with music. My head sounds like a goblin with a weed wacker, or a spluttering two-stroke engine – like an old Yamaha FS1E, coughing and whining its fizzy rebellion. Call her Fizzy Girl, Wifey, Albertine… call her whatever you want. The pain stays the same.

    Looking at this screen burns. My voice is croaky. Words come slow. My tongue is numb again, lost in a mouthful of phantom bites and blister burns. That’s life when MS hits your throat, your vagus nerve, your corpus callosum. But I fight it. Every. Damn. Day.

    I’ve had those dark thoughts. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t. But I never let them win. I write them out. I bleed them onto pages, text pads, digital scraps – foggy memories turned into clarity, darkness turned into light.

    I created this alter ego – The Goblin. It’s addictive, this freedom of expression. I have no mates, no friends in the traditional sense. But I have myself. And I have my family. And that is enough.

    It’s Saturday afternoon. June 6th. Back in the day, Saturday afternoons meant wrestling on BBC2. Mark Rocco. Marty Jones. Fit Finlay. Skull Murphy. Giant Haystacks. Banger Walsh. I met Haystacks once. I was 6ft 4 back then, and he made me feel small. That’s what true presence is.

    I remember mushrooms my dad picked fresh from the field, sizzling in Trex, pitch black underneath – perfect. Simple memories. Real moments. The things that matter.

    So what’s broken this week, you ask? Nothing. My biggest win was reinstalling Windows 11 and getting Kali Linux running again. The rest is just background noise.

    I picked up my crown from the dentist. He had a bike accident. I’m sending him healing energy, like I send to you reading this now.

    Because yes, I know darkness. I live with pain. But I rise. Every. Single. Time.

    Never give up. I haven’t. And I won’t. Neither should you.

             “The views in this post are based on my personal    
              experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                   “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                              By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                        🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    Brain Fog: Because MS Couldn't Just Steal Your Mobility – It Had to Nick Your IQ Points Too Welcome to the delightful world of multiple sclerosis, where the fun truly never ends. Just when you thought MS was done robbing you of your mobility, it decides to take a little detour into your brain.

    Yes, folks, say hello to brain fog – that unwelcome guest who crashes your cognitive party, eats all the snacks, and leaves you wondering where you left your keys… or your sanity.

    What is Brain Fog? Ah, brain fog. That lovely haze making you feel like you’re wading through treacle while trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. It’s like your brain decided to take a vacation without telling you.

    ✅ Forgetfulness? Check. ✅ Trouble concentrating? Double check. ✅ Feeling like an extra in your own life? Triple bloody check.

    It’s as if MS has a side gig as a cognitive thief – and it’s doing a bang-up job.

    The Joys of Cognitive Dysfunction Let’s not sugarcoat it. Brain fog is a real treat.

    You might find yourself:

    Staring blankly at a wall, contemplating the meaning of life

    Forgetting what day it is (spoiler: it doesn’t matter anyway)

    Walking into a room only to forget why you’re there – repeatedly

    And no, it’s not because you’re deep in philosophical thought. It’s because your brain is on a permanent coffee break.

    Coping with the Chaos So, how do you deal with this delightful cognitive haze?

    💀 Option 1: Caffeine – to keep your soul twitching 💀 Option 2: Naps – to escape your own thoughts temporarily 💀 Option 3: A healthy dose of sarcasm – because crying is overrated

    Or, embrace the chaos entirely. Start a support group for fellow fog dwellers. Just remember: the first rule of Brain Fog Club is… you probably won’t remember it anyway.

    Conclusion In the grand scheme of MS torture, brain fog is just another charming quirk. So raise a glass (or a mug of coffee) to the cognitive chaos and remember:

    You’re not alone in this foggy mess – even if you forget that every five minutes.

          “The views in this post are based on my personal 
           experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                  “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                             By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                             🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌
    
  • Posted on

    Ah, the NHS. Our beloved national institution where you enter with symptoms and leave with a prescription for “just try yoga.” Here are the top ten gaslighting moments brought to you by the experts in “it’s all in your head.”

    1. “Your Bloods Are Normal, So You’re Fine” Because apparently if your blood test is fine, so is your life. Chronic fatigue, pain, cognitive dysfunction? Irrelevant. Your veins are thriving, love.

    2. “Have You Tried Losing Weight?” Yes, because my demyelinating neurological condition will obviously resolve itself if I just drop two stone. Thank you, Dr. BMI.

    3. “It’s Probably Anxiety” The holy grail of dismissals. Broken leg? Anxiety. MS relapse? Anxiety. Spontaneous human combustion? Must be anxiety.

    4. “At Least It’s Not Cancer” Because that’s the only measure of suffering. You’re not dying of cancer, so kindly shut up about your daily pain, fatigue, and neurological decline.

    5. “You’re Too Young for That” My cells didn’t get the age memo, apparently. They’re just here for a good time, not a long time.

    6. “You’re Probably Depressed” Wouldn’t you be? Living in a malfunctioning body while being told you’re imagining it is basically a depression starter pack.

    7. “It’s Just Part of Getting Older” Ah yes, at the ripe old age of 27. My joints, nerves, and cognitive function just decided to fast-track me to 97.

    8. “We Don’t Normally Do That Test” Translation: We could investigate your symptoms properly, but we’d rather not.

    9. “You Seem Fine To Me” Thank you, Doctor, for this enlightening diagnosis based solely on my ability to brush my hair and not scream during this five-minute consult.

    10. “Come Back If It Gets Worse” Spoiler alert: It will get worse. And you still won’t listen.

    Conclusion So there you have it. Ten glorious NHS gaslighting hits. Remember, your symptoms don’t count unless they’re easily fixable, life-threatening, or profitable.

         “The views in this post are based on my personal 
            experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   
    
                 “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                                By storm and silence, I survive.”
    

    enter image description here

                   🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌