Top Ten Alternative Medicines: Because Desperation is Expensive

Top Ten Alternative Medicines: Because Desperation is Expensive Let’s face it. When mainstream medicine gives you nothing but side effects, gaslighting, and a mild death wish, you inevitably end up here: the world of alternative medicine. Welcome to the land where hope meets your bank balance, and your sanity politely exits stage left.

Here’s my brutally honest ranking.

1. Acupuncture 💉 Claim: Sticking needles in you realigns your life force. 💀 Reality: You’re paying someone to stab you repeatedly. Might help pain a bit. Might just remind you you’re alive, which is arguably worse.

2. CBD / Cannabis 🌿 Claim: Cures everything from pain to your failed marriage. 💀 Reality: Can ease pain, spasticity, and anxiety. Also makes you realise how soul-crushing your life is with exceptional clarity. Worth it.

3. Reiki 👐 Claim: Someone waves their hands near you to shift energy fields. 💀 Reality: Basically spiritual WiFi with zero scientific backing. Still, lying still for an hour while someone hovers over you is strangely calming.

4. Herbal Teas & Tinctures 🍵 Claim: Plants heal. 💀 Reality: Some herbs genuinely help mild symptoms. Others taste like compost water, make your bowels explode, and cost more than your rent.

5. Homeopathy 💧 Claim: Dilute poison to cure poison. 💀 Reality: Sugar pills with memory water. Useful only if your illness is a placebo in the first place.

6. Crystal Healing 💎 Claim: Rocks vibrate healing energies. 💀 Reality: They look pretty on your shelf while your body continues its daily betrayal.

7. Aromatherapy 🌸 Claim: Oils fix everything. 💀 Reality: Lavender might calm you. Peppermint might help your headache. But no oil will fix your soul-crushing fatigue. Sorry, Karen.

8. Reflexology 🦶 Claim: Pressing your feet heals your organs. 💀 Reality: Great foot massage. Everything else is foot-based fan fiction.

9. Ayurvedic Medicine 🪷 Claim: Ancient Indian herbal wisdom balances your doshas. 💀 Reality: Some legit herbal remedies. Some unregulated heavy metal pills. Roll the dice and hope you don’t get arsenic with your ashwagandha.

10. Hypnotherapy 🌀 Claim: Reprogram your subconscious to fix illness, pain, trauma. 💀 Reality: Helpful for stress or trauma-based conditions. For MS nerve damage? Might as well hypnotise yourself into believing you’re a golden retriever for emotional support.

Final Thoughts Will any of these cure your incurable chronic illness? No.

Will they make life slightly more bearable? Some might.

Will your bank balance survive this spiritual capitalism? Absolutely not.

         “The views in this post are based on my personal   
          experience. I do not intend harm, only honesty.”   

            “By ink and breath and sacred rage, I write.
                      By storm and silence, I survive.”

🧌✨ @goblinbloggeruk ✨🧌