money

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

So here I am today thinking it's Sunday when it's in all reality Wednesday. Yes, it seems that I've got my days rather mixed up. It seems everything just goes into nothing. I suppose it's hard really. When you think about it, it's really hard sometimes to think and to think with clarity. And then if you've got to think about things that are, say, from a while back, it may have problems and it hurts my head. Some days are better than others, but it's cognitive fog is really starting to get me down.

I want to be in a dark room with my eyes closed listening to gentle soothing music, smoking a reefer or a joint or whatever you call it. No I'd rather be doing something different with my mind but I can't. I hate these days of extreme fog. I hate them. I hate being able to do nothing. It's the worst feeling ever. I still haven't phoned up the AA and got it together to get them to come and sort my van out either. So yeah I don't even think I've been out. So yeah that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I just feel as though everything's just too much.

And the cold well, get real shall we? Let's get real about the cold and how much it's costing on the heating. I'm spending 60 pounds a week on heating. That is unbelievable. I'm now having to cut down on my food because I can't afford to eat properly due to my issues that I have with my diet. So being retired now and on a pension it does not go very far and the sort of food I need in my diet has to have no histamines in. And also food that won't cause my body to produce histamines. So yes it's an expensive diet. So I'm either going to go cold or I'm going to go hungry. I haven't decided yet which. It's incredible that every single last penny that I have is now spent on bills. I have to scrimp and save all my savings have gone. Everything's gone. I find myself looking around for the old pennies and ten peas around. It's no joke now. Things are getting quite desperate. And I suppose it's going to cost 200+ quid for a new van battery. So yeah, I'm going to have to go without something else as well now. So yeah, it's all very well, but when you're in the position of being disabled, things aren't very easy. People seem to think we have an easy life, but I do beg to differ.

And the worst thing is there are people even worse off than myself. So yeah, I do see the way things are. And things are getting quite hard at the moment. But I'm going to try and hang on in there for as long as I can. As I'm sure things will probably slowly start to get better. I can't wait for the warmth to come. I can't wait to see that sun beaming through, giving me my vitamin E. Yes, I'm looking forward to the summer and the spring. My favourite times of the year.

The tinnitus at the moment is raging in my head and for some reason in the middle, well no it's in my right ear. It's all about an in chin on my right ear and it is playing a symphony of the whistling that is awful and today no matter what music I play it's not hiding the fact, not even white noise. It seems to be on one of those I'm gonna make you suffer days. Anyhow I'm gonna have to stop here as my eyes and now really really hurting as well. So yeah wishing everybody peace-healing love and light wherever you are whoever you are and yeah there we go.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

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