sick

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Hello fellow humanoids So, a massive update. I have been looking on a certain website, and I have seen some four wheeled trolleys of death that will do eight miles an hour, which claim to have a total average speed of up to fifteen miles an hour (not in the uk ) only if you live in Europe, and can cover twenty to thirty miles on one charge. How amazing is that! And I can get credit, and that means I won't need to use an expensive van. And yes, saving money! Oh the joys.

So in my world with limited resources and money, it makes total sense. The three-wheeled trolley of death has nearly killed me quite a few times, being as it was very cheap, and my god, I had some near-death hair raising experiences on this accursed machine of three wheels. So I go forward looking to get myself a four-wheeled motor mobility scooter that will do the business, so I won't fall off or do something stupid. Look at all the places I can go to. Yes, the only thing is I don't like the colors they come in. Damn, that must be awful for me, mustn't it?

I like the idea of black. Uh but no, it's not going to be black. I don't like the idea of silver. No, silver's not me. Blue. I do not like the color blue, so it's gonna have to be satanic red, I think. Yes, I think it will look good satanic red. Yes, just imagine satanic red on the roads of the southwest, motoring along at eight miles an hour, with some satanic music playing out of the speakers as people watch the weirdo on his trolley. Oh what an amazing sight to see in the streets of the southwest of England on a Sunday afternoon...lol

It's all very well having a power chair or wheelchair that does four miles an hour, but they're not very good when you try and take them out. They're great for hospitals, doctors, even going to shopping centers. But you know, when you want a bit of independence and you just want to go out there and just get some well air, I would suppose to say the hair blowing in the wind experience would be if you weren't near a wind tunnel. But there we go. I must say that freedom allowed by this and the distance will be amazing. And if I put my tin foil hat on and think, well, if they have 15 minute cities, a mobility scooter would be perfect for a 15-minute city, wouldn't it? I think so. Oh, what a complete blast.

I can just imagine on some of my worst days when I have brain fog and and I'm spasms and in chronic fatiguing and being totally out there. I don't think I'm even capable of getting out of my own bed, yet alone getting into a power chair. So yeah, it's gonna be one of those things that I'll be getting probably on HP, but it's one of those things you have to think about for a long time because you know what it's like, you may think about it now, but it might take a year or two just to get it into motion, that is, because you know what it's like when you think of something and then you can forget about it, or things change in your life, and well, there we go.

Still it's now Monday evening and Dora Well Missy Dora has been yowling all day. I cannot wait until next week when she goes to the vet to be spayed. This is her first season, and my god, I have never heard anything like it. If I'd have realized she was practically Siamese, that would have made me think again, you know. But the other cat, Tiggy Gilbert, she's in season as well, and she's as quiet as can be. They are like, well, there we go. Still I suppose it's fun. Anyhow, there we go.

Still sending everybody peace, healing, love and light.no matter whom or whatever you are

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

sorry I screwed up and deleted this blog post lol a re post from yesterday

hello fellow Humanoids So it is Friday lunchtime, and I got back from seeing the machine of death at the chemists, and I went on my three-wheeled scooter of death, the approximate one mile to the chemists shop to get my prescription from the machine of death. In the end i gave Albertine the number because i didn't want to go near it because it starts worrying and buzzing and start saying things like go away we don't like you because you're weird. In other words, the machine is one of these machines that has a life of its own, as Albertine found out this morning.

I must say the staff at the chemists are very good But this is the third time in a year that we have had the wrong prescription medication given to us from the machine of death. Yes, there you are, you'll get home, you'll open the package, it's got your name on it and inside are all these other packages with other people's names on. And this just won't do. And the chemist now drives to the house to pick up the said items. You know, we will look into this, but how many more times has this mistake got to be made before somebody tragically, unfortunately, somewhere has a horrible accident?

Because that's we all know when you're my age and you wear glasses and things are a bit fuzzy sometimes you can't always read properly. And sometimes you can make mistakes and sometimes you can take the wrong medications and fuck up really badly. Still, at least all that got resolved very quickly, I must say indeed. And they were very apologetic.

I woke up this morning at 6 and my body felt like hell and I knew that I had to force myself to do something otherwise I would just lie there for the whole day feeling sorry for myself As you know when you wake up that's the worst time because then the body starts to totally kick in. So everything happens at once. Spasms, brain fog, the whole lot. bowels, everything. It's like a volcano and an earthquake all going off at once. God knows what my poor neighbors must think with some of the sounds and noises that I make early in the morning and during the night as I seem to be at the moment talking a lot in my sleep which is slightly funny.

I knew that I did not want to do a thing today. I just felt like complete shit. So, I went and I had a shower and had my breakfast and decided I am going out no matter what. The only thing that Would really stop me would be rain, snow, or a massive lightning storm. As it was, the three-wheeled beasts turned out to be very slow. We had a headwind, Albertine and myself, on our trolleys of death, and yes, you guessed it, there was quite a lot of traffic behind our two trolleys. But there we go. I find the motorists around this area are absolutely amazing people.

And yes, you guessed it, it did rain. On and off, but we didn't really mind. It was really good to get out. It really did help. I felt so much better for going out. But of course, when I got in, I had to suffer the spasms from hell. But there we go. Sometimes you've got to suffer just a little bit just to make yourself smile. I know that might sound strange, but that's the whole truth of the matter.

The kittens, or should I say now cats, are driving me absolutely fucking crazy. They seem to be the devils spawn. Really, we have two cats that are absolutely off their rockers and then some. Missy Dora, as we call her, she is part, well, she is a Siamese cat. We have since found out underneath the bundle of fur that she is. She's actually a... Tortoise shell, Siamese, and by God all she does all day is moan and scream. Oh, oh really, sometimes I wish, but there we go. The other cat, kitten, is absolutely bonkers, and she gets up to things that you really Don't want to know if you're eating your food.

Upon coming back on our three wheeled trolly of death, I looked at the side of our place, and part of the roof has blown away, and I was wondering how long it would be before one of my children or one of our relatives would say, 'Oh, I see you have some things off. Let me fix that for you.' But alas, no one has offered to help me whatsoever. Yet, I remember all the times I selflessly helped people, even went out of my way to help people, and now I can't get people to help me do absolutely anything. Even if I give them beer money, it's absolutely unreal. I get the children or young adults or whomever can be busy, but surely they can spare 10 minutes just to help with two bits of tile that I can no longer climb a ladder, I can no longer use a screwdriver, you know.

So I had a quote from somebody and they wanted a 150 quid for just putting two bits of plastic back on the roof. And I was absolutely outraged to the point where I have told Albertine she is going to have to get me a ladder and that I am going to have to practically kill myself getting up the ladder to do the job myself because that's the way it goes. You can even ask people to do the job but alas then they don't do the job properly. And that's what gets me why people can't do a proper job the first time and have to lash the job. It really does make me think and before my father died last year he said to me bearing in mind my father lived in New Zealand. He said that none of his family came to see him. None of his family helped him and he felt on his own and he felt alone and he was really really sad when they threw all his belongings away when he was in a home without asking him. He felt so fucking sad and I just know how he feels now.

So in plain reality you either have a family who love and care for you or you have a family who love and care for you that are so busy that they can never see you. And in my case it's a family who are so busy they can never see me. So yeah, having multiple sclerosis is one of the worst fucking things that's ever happened to me. It has changed my life in good ways and it has changed it in bad ways. So yes, I know that if I was in good health and I didn't have this, I know all those jobs that I need doing now, I could have done in a few hours. But if I have to struggle, they just won't get ever done. But people do not understand that. They do not understand what multiple sclerosis and chronic illness is about. They don't realize the tiredness, the brain fog, the fatigue, and what you just have to go through all day long. And then there's all the stress and then there's all the worry. People just really do not get it. Some people should try living in a disabled person's shoes for a week and see how they get on with life because I can assure you they wouldn't last very long.

Anyhow, that was a bit of a rant and I went off on one there. But that's honestly how I feel and if I was to tell people how I honestly feel about everything, I would be the most hated person walking the earth, I think. Because what people don't get is that along with all chronic illness there is the mental health issue and we all have and go through severe mental health issues with chronic illness that's a pure fact it's like the pain. So yeah I do understand how harsh and how hard it is for us all out there and I just want people to realize that being disabled is not fun we didn't ask to be born disabled we didn't want to be disabled but we are and we have to make the best of a bad job. So to do anything much we basically have to just suffer and suffer and a lot of us suffer in total silence without ever saying anything to anybody and that is the saddest part of it all that if you speak out your classed as a troublemaker. Empathy has gone out of the window

And then alien disclosure turns out it was a dead cat on the table. I really thought to myself like they're going to tell us there are aliens and hybrid aliens walking amongst us. I don't think they would ever do that, would they?

Still, sending healing, peace, love and light whomever and whatever you are out there. Have a fantastic weekend when it arrives for you, and as ever, take care and be careful and look after yourselves.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Hello fellow humanoids and I was just having a mind thought moment. I was speaking with somebody the other day who commented to me, "You don't own a television set?" And then they began to ask me why I gave up watching television 20+ years ago . to which was quite a quite Short reply. I can no longer watch TV because I find it all to be complete and utter garbage and rubbish. and they sort of looked at me and thought I was from another planet.

I explained to them that growing up we only had two TV channels to start with and then we had a third. And if we were lucky and had a VHF, black and white TV, we were lucky we could get quite a few of the independent broadcasting companies signals on the old VHF aerials on the VHF black and white TV's back in the day. The guy sort of looked at me and then I explained about my old radio that I used to own which was an old valve radio. that I remember quite happily the smell of the dust on the warming valves as it crackled into life and Radio Caroline or Radio London boomed out. Oh my god, the sound was like you have never heard such a beautiful sound coming from a radio, not like the ones today, I'm sad to say.

You had light wave medium wave short wave. It was absolutely awesome you could listen to radio stations all over the world. It was amazing I absolutely loved it. And right up until the eighties I still listen to the radio listening to all sorts of different stations all over the world, which brought me great enjoyment and I must say some of the programs were absolutely side splitting, amazingly amazin And then you have all these amazing radio stations and podcasts and all sorts of different media you can learn so much stuff i find it totally amazing and it's a constant source of mind blowing information. But of course all that has now been eclipsed by YouTube and other platforms like that on the internet, which are also absolutely mind blowing if you can sort the chiff from the chaff. remember you have to be very careful about what you take in as some of it can be a right load of all crap.

I remember when I was on the radio for over eight years as a comedy radio shock jock but unfortunately I had to give it up due to severe health issues I'm afraid. and also censorship was becoming an issue as well. So it was probably a good job I got off when I did well over a year ago. But it was a great radio station I worked on. The other person was a great guy and well, yeah, I wish them all the best of luck. Maybe one day I might make a comeback, who knows, but I am definitely going to be making my own podcast about multiple sclerosis and my life in general, which should be interesting boring or well, there you go, not that good I suppose, but at least I try.

Still, wishing everybody peace, healing, love and light, no matter who or what you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

Born of Shadows On a frigid December night in the 1950s, the world slept in blissful ignorance unaware that a storm was stirring in the shadows. In a dimly lit hospital room, beneath flickering fluorescent lights and the muffled cries of distant newborns, a child was about to enter the world. A child destined to carry the weight of secrets, pain, and dark inheritance.

This was the night Mr. Dark later known as Warlock Dark was born. And though no one yet knew it, the world had already begun to shape him before he’d even drawn his first breath. Even before his birth, he had seen things. In realms beyond flesh and comprehension, he had drifted through a tapestry of lifetimes, watched the threads of fate twist and tangle. He chose his parents—not out of love, but out of recognition. Something in them called to him, dark and familiar. He was drawn like a moth to a broken flame.

They, too, were fractured mirrors to his own looming storm. His mother, Shirley, was a slim bombshell with cascading blonde hair that caught the light like spun gold. She was all curves and contradictions, a woman haunted by her own beauty. Her life was a string of reckless decisions—lover after lover, lie after lie each one a wound that never healed. Beneath her captivating exterior lurked something colder, more corrosive.

The whispers of “open-legged syndrome” followed her like a cruel nursery rhyme judgment disguised as gossip, echoing the love she'd never been taught to receive. In her, Mr. Dark sensed a wild, unruly energy a soul trapped in a gilded cage of bitterness. But in time, he would come to know that her fury had a target: him. From his earliest memories, he felt her disdain like a weight on his chest.

He was different spiritual, sensitive, attuned to the shadows most people feared. While other children played with wooden toys or plastic soldiers, he listened to the wind, traced shapes in the flickering dark, and dreamed of things not yet born. He saw emotion like color, heard lies like static. It was a gift. And a curse. “Why can’t you be normal?” she would sneer, her voice a lash. “You’re a freak. A bloody weirdo.” Each word landed like a blow. And though he never cried in front of her, her contempt settled deep inside him, coiling like smoke.

In her eyes, he was an unwanted mirror reflecting the chaos and regret she tried so hard to bury. When he finally emerged into the world, the cold air bit at his skin like punishment. His first cries weren’t merely cries of life they were howls of anguish, ancient and echoing. A scream that carried generations of pain. Born into a family bound by silence and betrayal, he was swaddled not in love, but in tension. Even as an infant, he seemed to understand: vulnerability was dangerous. To survive, he would have to let the darkness take root.

And then there was his father Neddy. A man whose name passed through lips with a mixture of awe and amusement. He stood 6 feet 6, all swagger and shadow, with striking blonde hair and a smirk that rarely reached his eyes. He was notorious not just for his presence, but for the legend between his legs. “Hung like a donkey,” they said part myth, part punchline. It was a source of pride and ridicule, of envy and exaggeration. And like everything else about him, it hid something deeper. Neddy strutted through Swinging Southwest like he owned it, a walking monument to ego and appetite.

The 1960s buzzed with change music, rebellion, color but Neddy was a creature of smoke-filled pubs and whispered phone calls, of cheap cologne and expensive secrets. He was a man of appetites women, booze, the illusion of control. His favorite line, “I’ll come right,” became a sort of tragic mantra a promise he never kept, a future that never arrived. He was rarely present, but never quite absent a ghost with swagger. And Mr. Dark, even as a child, knew that this man was both his origin and his omen.

Neddy didn’t shape his son as much as he cast a shadow the boy would spend his life learning to escape or embody. The home they shared was a house in name only. The air was thick with resentment, the walls soaked in unspoken things. Mr. Dark learned to navigate the tension like a tightrope walker, saying little, watching everything. He watched his mother drift further into her bitterness. He watched his father vanish into the night, chasing thrills that always ended in disappointment. He watched himself grow colder, quieter, darker. But deep beneath the wounds and fury, a spark remained. A knowing. A power. He had been born of shadows, yes. But he would not be swallowed by them. Not yet.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

Good morning, good afternoon. Hello fellow humanoids, and I trust that you are all well. Whomever or whatever you are, or maybe.

So, the weekend has finished. And the fog here in the southwest where I live is a real big pea souper, and you can't see out the window for more than about 30 or 40 yards ahead. quite eerie quite strange. I am still getting used to this text to speak and speak to text software that I have installed. And it seems to be causing great deal amounts of problems with the punctuation. So it makes things even more confusing than they usually are. Oh dear, dear me!

Still, I am getting on well with Zorin Linux. It is absolutely amazing and I am finding it even with my cognitive issues and brain fog. Quite easy to use. It has some really good accessories if you are disabled as well on there and it is quite easy to use. So the change over to Total Linux has been very good indeed. Quite a pleasurable experience, not as bad as I first feared. So yes, it's just a case of getting used to different programs and yes, I am sat there looking at things thinking, how do I do this? But it's all great fun. It just reminds me a little bit of Windows 98. And that wasn't too bad. Well the second edition was better on Windows 98 I must admit.

But then again we all have to move forward with progress. Yes, I think Linux is the way forward as Windows has lost its way big time. Yes, and I even see on the phone front that Android is starting to lose ground and there are now Linux phones. So I might even have a phone soon with a Linux operating system on there. So how much fun would that be? I think that would be totally cool stuff.

At the moment the kittens are well not kittens anymore I suppose they're nearly six months old and oh boy they are being really really fussy with their food indeed. The amount of food wastage is not too much but trying to find what they really like and not leave is quite a thing these days. Yes, and both kittens, well, cats now, we think have definite Siamese in them. They are very loud mewers indeed, oh my god. But soon they go to the vets and they will be spayed, so that will be good fun for them for two weeks of wearing weird space helmets and me laughing and watching them bump into things should be good. But at the end of the day I don't need two female pregnant cats with litters and litters of kittens everywhere. Well, I'm eccentric as it is, so could you imagine everybody saying that weird man with the power chair and the house full of errant cats and kittens running everywhere? That's all I really do need. I have only just found out as well that you have to have your cats micro chipped as well, so they're going to have to be micro chipped. Well, I haven't been a cat owner for over 20 years, so I guess well. We didn't have microchips in cats in those days. But I do remember as a young man growing up back in the 70s and 80s, the rumors of people finding cat bells and cat ID tags in certain restaurant foods. I know it was all rumors at the time, but hey, there we go. That was then. But this is now.

The tinnitus seems to be calming down. It's not as loud as it has been. It seems to be on a very low hum, but of all the time. The moment I get any stress though, the tinnitus goes wild in my head. It's kind of funny. But there we go. I My dad had phoned me on Skype. That's my father in New Zealand. And we were chatting and we were going past a place in North Devon where there was this tower. And as we drove past the whistling or buzzing or humming in my ears started at that point. And it hasn't stopped since then. It's very rare that I get a break from it these days. But it's very strange. I cannot really say anything to help anybody who suffers with tinnitus apart from music usually helps or relaxation, not talking, sitting in a quiet room. I've tried all sorts of different things, but in the end you just get used to it. It's just something that's there all the time and you just can't get rid of it.

As everybody knows, the worst time is when you wake up. Yes, I suppose six o'clock in the morning when you're awake and your whole body decides that it's going to be dysfunctional for the rest of the day. Yes, those mornings, those mornings that you just feel like you want the world to swallow you up. When you feel like what's the point with the spasms start kicking in and your legs and arms are just shooting off in all directions, that's not pleasant enough. then your tongue and throat starts giving it hell. Yes, and then the low level autonomic dysfunction kicks in as well. So you've got this really weird feeling that the autonomic dysfunction causes, then you have the progressive MS with all the nerve pain that you also suffer to varying degrees in varying parts of the body. Yes, so there you are. If you've got the whole lot and then of course there's the bowels and that is a totally different ballgame as well as everybody probably knows.

But sometimes, you know, this has been happening every morning for years and years and years for me. And you start getting used to it. And you start thinking, what is the cause of this? Why is this really happening? Why are my bowels and my stomach and whatnot? Why are they all giving me hell? And then I found out it was my gut and the food that I was eating. I thought that vegan food was healthy, but I was wrong because of my autonomic dysfunction and the "Histamine" thing. I cannot eat any food with histamines in, or any food that will cause my body to make histamines and make, you know, otherwise I go into total meltdown with my body, my MS goes berserk. It's just unbelievable. I have spent over 20 years trying to explain what the hell is going on with me to neurologists, to doctors and guess what? They've only finally started taking notice of what I am saying. It's quite unbelievable when you go in there and they just look at you and you tell them how you are and they just look at you and some neurologists are fantastic but some, well, aren't the best. Some are not human, I don't think. I think they're non humanity sort of things stems from their training and the job that they do because it must affect them telling people of conditions and suffering every day. It must be a really, really hard job to do. Especially if you have a very high empathy towards your fellow humanoids.

I have been meaning to do a bowel special blog post but I keep wincing every time I think about catheters and things like that. So I think that's going to be a bit of a time coming somewhat. The only thing I can suggest for good bowel health is healthy eating, reading the labels of what you're eating, and also remembering that it may say it's healthy on the packet, but the ingredients might not be. Yes, bowel health is very important. When you have had a camera up your rear end a few times, then you'll realize that healthy eating, healthy food and healthy bowels mean good things happening because then your gut will repair itself and then that will help towards healing the body and helping the body stresses which can only be good for people suffering with chronic illness.

So I have decided that I need another project because I do have some headspace. So I have decided that I am going to make my own AI program and that should be fun. As apparently it is easy to download all the software that you need and of course it is free and i thought well why not. The worst thing that can happen is I might end up having to reinstall my machine. But I could always use virtual machine I suppose, but there we go. I suppose I could get Albertine to put it on her machine and then if her machine goes bang, then I haven't got a problem lol But I think it is highly important to try and keep the brain functioning. Even if you have severe brain fog or cognitive issues, So I am wondering how many years this will take me to do. Some people it might take days, but me, well, I suppose it's going to take me rather a long time. And then there is of course getting round to doing this as well.

The paradigms fade The masks fall to celebrate the void and the madness they made from my living hell

Still, sending everybody peace, healing, love, and light, whomever and whatever you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

So yet again, fellow humanoids, I am still researching the phenomena in multiple sclerosis that may cause a person to see liminal shapes and many other forms of weirdness. Yes, liminal shapes. I have asked many people, but I have been getting very different answers to what these could be, and I'm still actively trying to find out if there is anybody out there who is also suffering with seeing these things, these spheres and these weird geometrical shapes, large cubes with like loads of little, well, thousands of little black square cubes in the massive big cube. It's really weird. Then there is the big orb. It must be about two feet high. And sometimes it is completely translucent with black bands going through it from the top to the bottom. And I've also seen it with complete white with black bands going through. And this is, I would say, maybe two feet in size in height.

So i would really appreciate anyone else who has any other chronic illness or doesn't. Who sees the sort of things to get in touch with me so you know we can try and see what is actually going on because i've asked many researchers and people. I get many varying different answers. I actually asked the ai and it was not worth asking to be honest with you as all the answers it gave. Well the standard ones it would not have its guardrails so that was a great pity. I find that when I use AI, I tend to run into a lot of guardrails. And personally speaking, the AI sanitizes things so much. It just really isn't worth reading. It's quite crazy. The AI treating you like a child and a naughty child at. THAT!

I have had so many weird experiences over the years that I believe researchers of the paranormal phenomena have issue crossing subjects and subject matters as where I think most of everything is actually linked. I believe the UFO/UAP phenomena and alien extraterrestrial phenomena, and spiritual phenomena, ultra terestrial phenomena etc. all are connected in some way. I suppose it's just a question of joining all the dots and trying to make sense of it, but sometimes you need people as sounding boards who also have had similar or the same experiences. Here we can correlate and come up with some sort of hypothesis on what has been happening.

Yes, and this is where this blog goes into extreme weirdness, because along with my progressive multiple sclerosis, I seem to have other issues as well. I seem to be able to hear dead people. I seem to have precognition and suffer with premonitions. Same thing, really. Yes, I wonder what is really going on, and I've had many liminal experiences as well as ghostly experiences over my years. I have experienced astral projection. I have done automatic viewing. I have done many of those things. Yes, I've even delved deep into witchcraft and black magic and many of the dark arts.

But I have come up with the same conclusion every time. And it appears that I am very Gnostic in my views. This, I did not know until it was pointed out to me many, many months ago. So we learn something new every day. So, I am rapidly reaching this conclusion that I should research people's cases myself to see what people have in common. So, if you've experienced anything on the weird or the strange, get in contact with me in complete confidence. And we will try and discover what is really going on out there in the weird, wide world.

As I think it's a great thing for people to start talking about these things, and then we can rule out that we're not going round the bend or going mad. As me, I really want to find out what is going on with me, whether it is my chronic illness, multiple sclerosis, or I'm having other worldly things happening. I would like to know. Is that really too much to ask, I wonder? But there we go. Everybody'll put it down to me being strange or weird. Oh, he's got some sort of weirdness because he's got progressive MS, he's in a wheelchair. Well, I wasn't always in a wheelchair, I didn't always have progressive MS. And well, there we go, and I've pretty much had these views most of my life. So, weird and eccentric, I'm proud of being. So if there's anyone out there who wants to be weird and eccentric with me, then that's all good.

So whether you're in a wheelchair got a progressive illness or not, or there's nothing wrong with you whatsoever, and you've just happened on this blog just by accident, and you just happen to read this. Well, if you're going through any weirdness, please tell us, because I'm sure we'd really, really like to know, because the more people that speak about these weird extreme things that we go through, the better. Still that's it from me.

Sending everybody peace, healing, love, and light, no matter whom or whatever you may be.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. no AI written content

So good morning fellow humanoids. And what a lovely sunny day we are experiencing down in the southwest today and yes I am confused to what day it is to be honest with you. Yes, there are some dark clouds around, but apart from that, the temperature is warming up. That makes me exceptionally happy indeed. Hopefully the cold weather is on its way out, Till next year when it will return, I'm looking forward to those warm, heady days of summer, when my bones can at last receive that warmth they so greatly desire. Loads of lovely Vitamin D. Oh those sunshine rays making me feel so much better and doing me so much good. ..

So yesterday was an awesome day as I have had my new wheelchair delivered. Well, I should say power chair. Yes, it's impressive indeed. So I will be able to start going out again and start going places and seeing things how exciting to go into a shopping center and actually able to go into a shop and see things touch things and buy things instead of being a prisoner in my home with the only ability to do virtual shopping online.

And then of course I have to get used to operating this new power chair as my old power chair was very sluggish. This new power chair is quite quick and yes I'm going to be have to be very careful for the first few weeks in case I have an accident and I do not want one of those. That is so true. That is what I don't need. The three-wheeled trolleys of death are in the garage being charged. As on Friday, yes, they'll be going over the bridge. Hopefully this time that's hoping... Not going over the bridge literally into the river but going over the bridge. It should be a 15 minutes little ride across the bridge both ways but it should be a nice bracing day. It should be interesting. How exciting watching all the boats and ships sailing in and out.

I may even go into a shopping center and have a look around in some of those shops that I've been unable to go into for years. I'm really looking forward to going shopping. Even though I haven't got any money, window shopping and just looking at things in general probably will change my mood. Here's hoping that where we go has some nice small electrical shops as I love looking at electrical s and new gadgets and new bits and pieces.

So, the Thunder Pole and SWR meter arrived yesterday, after three attempts previous to try and deliver them to me. So, I have to get my son to help me fix up the Silver Rod on top of the washing pole. That should be fun next week, how I am looking forward to going on the old 27 Meg AM FM CB radio waves and probably not finding anyone out there whatsoever. Or, I could be pleasantly shocked and surprised. I wonder. It's been over 42 years since I last was on a CB radio, funnily enough. Back in the heady old days when CB Radio first hit in the United Kingdom. Back in those days everybody had a CB radio, everybody was talking to everybody and then all of a sudden it changed from the AM frequency to the FM frequency which seemed to kill off CB radio unfortunately. But let's hope there's still some people out there online. I look forward to it anyway. So I will also put a mag mount aerial on rusty one or D1 and then we will go mobile and then we will see who we can pick up around the area. That should be quite exciting. Not for Albertine, I don't think.

I have been thinking more and more about my past and I have been thinking about writing the story of my adoption and how it affected me in several parts on the blog at some point I think. There will be lots of trigger warnings as I didn't have the best of upbringings and childhood experiences. We would have thought that being brought up by devout Christian parents and being a pillar of society would make you good parents, but no, this was not the case for me. I'm going to give a no-holds-barred account of everything that happened. Looking back at it, it was horrific, but we all grow up and we live and learn and we learn to get over some of these things. Yes, I had PTSD from childhood trauma, but I only found that out whilst We were all on lock-down and then I had to get my PTSD taken into hand and then we sorted out my PTSD. Which took several years but the outcome was good in the end. So I urge anybody with mental health issues or problems to seek professional help. I know that I tried to but I did not get anywhere. So I got outside help with my issue and that's how it got solved through my own volition.

Still, I don't know if it's the weather, but my cognitive fog seems to be getting a little less, and I seem to be feeling a lot happier these days. I'm really looking forward to the summer, and I'm really looking forward to renewed vigor in my health, hopefully. I have not set myself any goals this year as I find if you set goals they take, Well in my case I never seem to reach the goals I set myself that's funny that isn't it. I just do things when I want. I can't be asked with society any longer. I'm just me, I'm just myself, and I don't care The most important thing is me and my family and all the other people out there, who are suffering needlessly at the hands of bureaucracy.

Still, I wish everybody peace, healing, love and light, and hope when the weekend comes, I hope you all have an amazing weekend.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. some AI content

Good evening, good morning, good afternoon, wherever you are, hello fellow humanoids.

Well, today finds me on Zorin. Yes, I installed a Linux operating system called Zorin over the weekend. It is the full install. I paid the extra 47 bucks, I believe it was for the Pro version, but it was well worth every single penny I can tell you. The install was absolutely faultless. Everything went exceptionally well. I have tried over the past few months many Linux distros but the other day I tried the free version of Zorin and I was very impressed indeed. So everything is installed with Zorin and I have everything working and it is absolutely amazing. I am so impressed indeed. It's just a case now of moving a few files over and I'll be on there for good I think. Yes, it is a very good move hearing all these rumours about what's going to be happening in the future with Windows etc etc. Well, hopefully I'll be future proof. But let's face it, learning Linux is easier now than it was 20 or even 30 years ago. That's for sure. It's not such a terminal experience, ha ha. That was a terrible joke. So, if you're like me and and suffer with progressive multiple sclerosis with severe brain fog and all sorts of cognitive issues, give Zorin OS a try on Linux. It's got everything you need and there we go. That's what I recommend anyway.

Moving from being a Windows user since DOS over to Linux, I suppose this change has been quite a long time coming, but it is well worth it. I tried many other Linux distros, and I burnt them to a pen drive, so I can use them on a live boot pen drive. So I have many distros I can use and choose from depending on my mood, and I don't have to take a computer with me, I just take a pen drive, plug it in somebody's machine and off I go, it's that simple. An operating system on a pen drive, oh yes it's well worth it.

I have found that Linux has amazing forums and has amazing help forums for all versions of all the Linux programs and remember Sourceforge and remember the thousands of free programs for Linux that are out there and there are so many and they are amazing programs indeed And also all these distros are updated quite regularly as well. And there are many to choose from as well indeed you might ask. Give me some names of some distros so here below are some. thanks AI

Top 5 Mainstream Linux Distros

Ubuntu The most popular beginner-friendly distro. Massive community, tons of support, very stable. Great starting point.

Linux Mint Based on Ubuntu but more traditional Windows-style layout. Super comfortable and lightweight.

Debian Ultra-stable. Rock-solid. Not flashy, but a backbone of the Linux world.

Fedora Bleeding-edge but polished. Sponsored by Red Hat. Great for developers.

openSUSE Powerful and flexible. Known for strong system management tools.

Top 5 From Other Major Branches / Styles

Arch Linux Minimal, rolling release, DIY philosophy. You build it exactly how you want it. Not beginner-friendly — but powerful.

Manjaro Based on Arch but much easier. Great middle ground between power and usability.

Pop!_OS Built on Ubuntu by System76. Excellent for gaming and NVIDIA users.

Kali Linux Security and penetration testing focused. Not meant as a daily driver unless you like chaos.

Zorin OS Designed for Windows/macOS converts. Clean, polished, very accessible. obviously designed by “a young bloke with an old mind.”

A big thank you to the AI for both those lists as they are the most popular and I completely agree there. But that's just me and my own personal opinion. But I do recommend everybody get a pen drive at least a 20 gig + and stick a copy of the Linux on, use a program to burn it on and have a go. Nothing like it and you can have some fun and you can even screw up. You're not gonna ruin or break anything And just think you could have a great time on Linux doing all sorts of amazing things without having to pay loads and loads of money on programs that are completely free on this. operating system.

So I completely fried my brain, but I must say it was well worth it indeed. It seems that the information that I needed came from the deep recesses of my mind. I am finding since I have changed my diet that my brain fog seems to be less intense. My cognitive abilities seem to be getting a bit better. I have been reading for many years in all these magazines about gut health and how important it is to the whole body and to the immune system function and it seems to be really helping me !!.

again thanks to AI for this

1. Digestive Function

The gut is responsible for breaking down food and absorbing nutrients like vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Poor gut health can lead to malnutrition, even if you’re eating well.

A balanced gut microbiome helps prevent issues like bloating, constipation, diarrhea, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

2. Immune System Regulation

About 70% of your immune system lives in your gut. That’s your gut-associated lymphoid tissue (GALT).

Beneficial bacteria help train your immune system to distinguish between harmful invaders (like viruses and bacteria) and harmless substances (like food or your own cells).

A disrupted microbiome (dysbiosis) can contribute to autoimmune conditions, allergies, and increased susceptibility to infections.

3. Inflammation Control

Gut bacteria produce metabolites like short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) that reduce inflammation throughout the body.

Chronic gut issues can lead to systemic inflammation, which is linked to diseases like arthritis, heart disease, and even neurodegenerative conditions.

4. Mental and Neurological Health

The gut communicates with the brain via the gut-brain axis, influencing mood, stress response, and cognitive function.

Imbalances in gut flora have been linked to anxiety, depression, and “brain fog.”

5. Metabolic Health

Your gut microbiome helps regulate blood sugar, fat storage, and weight.

Dysbiosis is associated with obesity, type 2 diabetes, and metabolic syndrome.

6. Protecting Against Pathogens

Good gut bacteria act as a barrier, outcompeting harmful microbes and producing antimicrobial compounds.

A strong microbiome reduces the risk of infections and gut-related illnesses.

Key Takeaways for Supporting Gut Health:

Eat fiber-rich foods, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains.

Include fermented foods like yogurt, kefir, kimchi, or sauerkraut.

Minimize ultra-processed foods, excess sugar, and antibiotics when not needed.

Manage stress, sleep well, and stay active—these all impact gut flora.

In short, a healthy gut is foundational—it affects everything from immunity to mood, energy, and chronic disease risk. Think of it as your body’s “control center” that needs nurturing.

Still sending everybody peace, healing, love and light no matter who or what you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. non AI content

hello fellow Humanoids So, disclosure, are there such things as extraterrestrials, ultra-terrestrials, hybrid aliens from other planets from other dimensions? I have even heard of cryptoid inter-dimensional beings, no less. And to be honest with you, I was just wondering why they want to visit us on this planet, or plane, or whatever we like to call it. So yes, I have been watching some YouTube videos and I have been watching in disbelief at some of the things that I have seen and watched with my own eyes. Yes indeed, I believe that probably 75 to 80% of the videos are not what they claim to be either. I know it is a slightly contentious issue with people, but I believe that we are not alone on this earth plane. I myself have had many personal, paranormal and things happen to me that I cannot explain and that other people cannot explain to me either.

So, I am wondering if Alien Disclosure by the American Donald Trump is a big nothing burger like the three eye atlas that flew past recently because everybody was saying, "Ooh, we're going into the fifth dimension and things are going to change for us all." I was sat in my power chair waiting. I was waiting for all these changes and yet nothing happened. I think sometimes people grab for things that try to turn their lives into something more interesting, incorporating the fantasy of the paranormal. I myself have been looked on with the Vision over the past 50 years because of my beliefs and what I have seen. Even I have changed my beliefs as I have got older and wiser.

My theory is if they are intelligence, ultra or extraterrestrials or even races of people on this planet that we cannot see. Why would they want anything to do with us as we seem to be, well, not the most peaceful race of people in the universe?

I also find it funny that the alleged disclosure is going to be said by Donald Trump on the alleged anniversary date of the Roswell crash in New Mexico. So that should be very interesting indeed and I'm wondering if this is a dead cat on the table or is in fact the real deal.

I have heard many people say, "Oh, the aliens are going to invade us. They're going to eat us. They're going to kill us all and turn us all into slaves or automatons." Well, let me say one thing. Aliens allegedly have been visiting us since man crawled out of the alleged swamp. So, they could have knocked us off at any time. 15, 16, 1700s? Not a problem. So it just goes to prove my theory that they are friendly and that they don't want war with us. Because if they did, they could have done it hundreds if not thousands of years ago.

It’s rational to believe life likely exists elsewhere.

It’s irrational to claim verified contact without evidence.

Governments admitting “we don’t know what that was” is not the same as disclosure.

Humanity tends to mythologize uncertainty.

The most powerful question isn’t “Are they coming?” but “Why do we want them to?”

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ

⚠️ Please read with care: This blog shares personal, sometimes painful experiences. My intention is to support and speak honestly not to harm. I’m not a professional, just someone who understands how hard it can get. If you're struggling, you're not alone please reach out for professional help.

please remember I suffer with severe cognitive dysfunction this may be a confusing read. non AI content

hello fellow Humanoids

So we're nearly at the weekend and it's Friday morning and it's absolutely tipping down with rain here. The skies have opened up. It's very, very dark. I got some amazingly great news yesterday. Yes, my power chair is being delivered next Wednesday hopefully, and also a spare manual chair as well. So that is amazing awesome news indeed. Well worth waiting for. They were really helpful at the NHS wheelchair service where we are. I must say they really put themselves out and really helped me. I know it took quite a while but then again you see bureaucracy and what with one thing and another. But still we get there in the end, that's the main thing.

But the three-wheel trolley of death, well we own two of them, are still in the garage. And yes, we will be putting them in the back of D1, and we're going to attempt to ride both of them over a bridge. And this bridge is one of these big car bridges with pedestrian walkways. takes about 20 minutes to go over. So we're hoping that the wind will not be too bad and it will be a warmer day. Yes, I'm so looking forward to taking my power chair out as well. But I'm even looking forward to taking out my three-wheel trolley of death. Yes, I'm hoping that this autonomic dysfunction gets sorted out soon.

I am hoping personally now that people are in the know about what's going on, that things will move forward a little bit more faster, a little bit quicker, you know, not being left in a queue and forgotten about for 5 years. When the people realise that you've been lost in the system for a quite considerable time, they are very apologetic, they are very nice people. I don't blame the people, I just blame the system and I think their system needs to have some maybe updating and maybe people who know what they're doing running it. I am a great believer that AI will be a massive help to the general practice or general practitioner as putting your Issues to the AI. The AI can help sort things out and make sense of things before it gets to the doctor. I have used AI and it has helped me greatly and I'm an advocate for AI in general practice. As I feel, AI is a very good triage agent. As every time i have anything to do with the doctors nurses or any health care people i consult my a i first. And i get the relevant questions that i need to ask. And yes it does help me and i do have white coat syndrome and that has helped me immensely asking the right questions and no when i'm being gas lit so yes medical a i has helped multiple sclerosis suffer me 110%.

Yes, here goes the saga of Linux as well, as you have known for the past load of months. During my brain fogs and my general dysfunctions, I have been mucking around with Linux and various Linux distros. And I would say I've used over 10 different Linux distros. And the first one I used was Linux Mint. And since then, I have used others, but I have gone back to Linux Mint. In fact, I am now using Linux Mint instead of Windows, as I find it amazingly fast for what I need. And the software is all open source and free.

So yeah, I am really happy now I have changed. But then again, it's a new learning curve for me, which I am really enjoying. I'm enjoying the fact that it is stretching my brain till it hurts. I still remember using Susie Linux back in the 80s and that was mind blowing then when I used the distro from a DVD or CD as was then back in the day. So, now I find myself strangely Linux boyman or whatever you want to call me. I feel it is a better system and it will go on most laptops or even mobile phones now.

There is a version of Linux for the mobile phone. Yes, I really do think it is time people look seriously into Linux as Linux is just as good if not better than Windows 11 allegidly and more secure and people really give a damn about Linux. They really do care and there is lots of help out there. So yeah, give Linux a go even if it is just on a pen drive and you are doing the live version on the pen drive. Go for it because it is just so worth it.

So this week is ending on a better note than last week. Yes, my autonomic dysfunction has got slightly more stable and everything is starting to come together. I'm still in intense pain in the mornings in my bowels, but that's life I expect that. The tinnitus has, well, not really quieted down. It's been a real pain in the arse. And no matter who or what I play seems to drown it out, I've tried absolutely everything, and nothing seems to work at the moment. I think stress makes the tinnitus worse, but there we go. I do try to live a stress-free life the best I can.

As for the traped nerve in my shoulder neck, that seems now to be getting less and less . The pain was intense and I had four nights of no sleep whatsoever. But by the time I got round to get it seen to, I suppose I'd gone through such pain that The painkillers really never took any effect that I took. I sort of just tough my way through it with a lot of groaning and moaning and just lying on the bed and trying to take my mind off the pain. And I did a lot of thinking and I did a lot of existential thinking as well. and decided that I was going to put exactly what I think on here. And I was going to probably talk a lot about my past as well as past as they say does affect the future.

So the weekend is looming and what excitement it won't bring for me and albertine.... yes nothing much will be happening here well nothing much does happen we don't get many visitors here ... I often wonder if any of my brothers or sisters or any of my family would ever bother to dain or bother to get in contact with me, the black sheep of the family. I would always give them the warmest of welcomes, and I would never be a horrible nasty person toward them. But I suppose such is life, and they walk there path, and I walk mine.

I have been looking to try and find a paranormal group or a person who does research on things like orbs and ultra-terrestrials and time slips and things like that. But I have had no luck whatsoever. I have sent many emails to many groups and to many people with a lot of the things that have happened to me. And I have had no reply whatsoever and I begin to wonder why. So yes, I would like to speak to somebody who's been through paranormal experiences, maybe with things that are from another dimension, maybe a hybrid alien, maybe, you know, ghosts, anything like that, any sort of sensible discussion would be really welcomed. I didn't realize that I personally, my belief is that of gnosis. And yes, I was surprised as anything, but I was told that I have been living a Gnostic or Gnosis life and I didn't realize it and then I suddenly realized and it absolutely blew my mind. So I'm a Gnostic Wiccan, I believe is the title, what they call me now. But I also realise I have lots of liminal experiences. Some of them cannot be explained, but some of them can. And I always welcome discussion about what is going on with me, as I really do want to know the truth. If all of this what I'm going through and I've been experiencing for all these years is to do with my MS, then, fair enough, but I have enough evidence to prove that it's not. So, where do I go from here? Because the people I contact to try and discuss these things just don't want to know. What do I do? Where do I go? That's why I'm doing this blog because I'm trying to ask questions and trying to get answers, not from an artificial intelligence, but from real people.

At this moment in time my head seems to be in the 70s and 1980s, remembering all the music, remembering just how it used to be. The good old, bad old days of the 1900s. I must say for me personally, the 70s and the 80s were a real shitty time to grow up. Because when you have an illness that you don't realise you've got and it's progressing slowly and it causes you issues all the way up and through your teenage years, my God it takes a toll. All those times I remember sitting in a chair when I couldn't feel my whole left hand side and that my arms and the hands and feet had pins and needles and I had bad neuralgia. This was when I was eight, nine and ten years of age. The doctors just seemed to think it was growing pains, but I know different now.

The worst thing of all of this is that I was adopted in the 1950s and the people who adopted me were to say the least not fit to be parents, even though they were so-called pillars of society. To be honest I suffered mental and physical cruelty for the first 14 years of my life. But then again, that's another log post, I think.

So yeah, as if having progressive multiple sclerosis wasn't bad enough, I suffer with adoption issues. Well, not really. I suppose the trauma PTSD of my adoption has been worked out and gone through. But my God, my life was a living hell. And my multiple sclerosis now makes my life a living hell as well. But such is life. It is totally amazing how illness can change your life without you even realizing it. And to be honest with you, I knew there was something wrong with me from an early age. And I was only vindicated by my first MRI and lumbar puncture. Yes, they tried to gaslite me for quite a few years to what was wrong with me. And well, I had very badly Gillum Barry, according to them, which I believe was an MS attack full-blown because it had me in hospital for well over a week. They said they had found something strange in my lumber puncture, and they did not know what it, what of course they knew what it was. They just didn't want to tell me what was wrong with me, and then I suffered mental health and white coat syndrome for year upon year as they gaslit me and didn't tell me what was going on with me.

So, yeah, now I have changed. And I advocate for myself. And I don't listen to what the doctors say. I read medical books. I use medical AI. I ask people questions. I ask the raw, real truth. Yes, I know it hurts, but it has to be asked. And people have to know the truth about how MS will suffer and how it will make them suffer and what it will do to them. and try and find ways to help relieve all the symptoms of multiple sclerosis. And also try to inform people what harm multiple sclerosis can do to the brain and to the body, to the mental health, in fact, to the whole person.

People are really not getting what a destructive, destroying illness this truly is. It is pure fucking Armageddon. And I live And people like me... live this Armageddon every day. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, without any break, just getting worse. Yes, just getting worse, knowing that one day, that will be it, I will be no more. I will just be a body in a crematorium being burnt. And that's the plain sad truth of the matter. I know my destiny is, well, death, but I don't mind. I don't have a problem with that. I just don't want to suffer before. That's my points, you know? I want to have my dignity. I want to be me until my last breath. Yes, I don't want to be put in a home to just rot. I want to try and be me until then and I just hope that I can stay sane enough to be who I am. That's why I do this blog, that's why it's raw, and I am unapologetic about its rawness. Anyhow, that's it from me.

Wishing everyone out there. Peace, healing, love and light, no matter who or what you are.

Warlock Dark Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)

@goblinbloggeruk - sick@mylivinghell.co.uk 𒀭𒊩𒆳 ᛞᚱᚨᚷᛟᚾ ᛏᚱᚨᚾᛋᚲᚺᚱᛁᛖᛞ ✦ ᚹᚨᛏᚲᚺᛖᚱ 𒀸𒀭 ᚢᚾᛒᛟᚢᚾᛞ