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⚠️ This blog shares my personal, sometimes painful experiences with MS and mental health. My intention is to speak honestly and offer solidarity—not to harm or replace professional advice. I’m not a doctor or therapist, just someone who gets how hard it can get. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Please reach out to a trusted friend, support group, or professional. You deserve help and hope.⚠️
I used no AI as it was being a real pain and kept sanitising and telling me off lol so may be confusing read
grief ms and loss of family and friends
So a very good morning to everybody out there , Well today I'm going to try and tackle a subject which many of us have experienced. It's about when we're told we have MS and some of the consequences that can happen afterwards. And sometimes it can leave us wondering what the fucking hell is going on. It is an absolute mine field of emotion and events that sometimes you wouldn't imagine even possible.
The Drs office
I was sat in the doctor's office. I already knew that I had MS I'd known for a very long time that I'd had MS and we just sat down and He said have you seen the neurologist yet? going next week I said to him, and he sort of looked at me, and then he just said, "I'm ever so sorry, warlock, you've got multiple sclerosis." I looked at him and I sort of smiled and it hit me not at that point actually. It was at the actual point when I got home and I sat down and I realised that I now had a name for what had been going on with me since I was a young boy.
ignored not listened to
all those symptoms I was going through all those years that nobody would listen. And even if I went to a doctor they would ignore me and they would say it was something totally different. So yes, there I was, sat in my chair and it just suddenly hit me. And it was like being hit on the head with a hammer. And I did get some relief thinking, well at least I know what it is now. Yeah, but I felt really sad because I knew that it was progressive and I knew it was going to get worse. But I sort of felt a bit strange for a couple of weeks and then I pulled myself together.
in the early days
The thing is I remember back in the early, well, late 60s, early 70s. That's when my symptoms all started slowly, slowly, slowly, and they've been progressively slow since that time as a young lad probably pre teen. They speed it up a bit more and a bit more, and where I am today, 67 with progressive MS, and I don't take the medication. And I take no part in any trials of any medications or anything out there.
marijuana and THC CBD oil
I use totally natural alternatives. I have found over the years that marijuana and THC CBD oil really, really works well for me. And I've been smoking it and taking it for so many years now. It no longer gets me high and gives me that side effect that you used to get when you first started taking it. So yes, when people say, "Oh, as soon as you have it, you have weed." No, you don't. It just helped your body cope with the day ahead. It doesn't make you happy in jumping up and down and laughing and we and all that sort of rubbish. No, it helps with the pain, it helps with the spasms, it helps with the constant head fucks that you go through.
MS life changing
As ever, I have strayed far from the point. My point is getting MS changes your life totally. You're either going to be negative or you're going to be positive about your diagnosis. I was negative for a little while and I must admit my life did fall apart for a little while. But when I pulled myself together and I'd realised that I'd been living with it for over 40 odd years at this point, I thought, "Well, I'll just carry on going with it." So yes, I went down the doctor route of taking all their medications, Gabapentin and all those sorts of pain pills and I was injecting with Capaxone every day and I was on a shitload of medication. And then one day things changed for me.
spiritual changes a vision and a voice
I was lying in bed and I had some sort of weird spiritual intervention. I was feeling really ill in fact I hadn't felt so unwell in years. What I hadn't realised was all the medications that I were taking, all their side effects were really fucking me up. And you know, not being able to go for a poo, you know, and all that sort of stuff is not very pleasant. And the pain and everything. So yeah, getting back to where I was, I had this visitation, a spiritual visitation from somebody called Seraphs Bay. And he told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. And you know, it's time for me to really get my shit together.
Drs and hospitals
So I did and I stopped taking all the MS medications and weirdly I told my neurologist and he said look we need to get you into hospital for two weeks to get you all for your medication. And I said no so I did cold turkey at home and I do not regret it honestly. Those days of suffering of just sitting there in a chair not knowing even what day it was everything became clearer. I came off every single med and my God things changed for the better for me. I now had more cognitive headspace etc. So that was about probably 20 odd years ago I think 25 years ago when I came off all those meds. I'd spent probably a few years on the medications but you know they made me actually worse not better which is weird. But like the doctor said you're that sort of person that if there's a side effect written on the box you're going to get it. So there we go.
my life changed again for the better
So the fact is people, when I got diagnosed with MS, I did change my life around. I went to university and I got myself a load of bits of paper saying I can do all these weird things. So that in itself was completely amazing. MS has turned me into a very positive person. It changed my life for the better strangely, but it's been a beast. It really has been a beast. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I don't, but MS is the beast. Once you've got it, it's a real bastard to fight sometimes. And it takes every last ounce of energy some days to just even think.
loosing friends and family sad thing
But the next thing I was going to talk about is you've got your diagnosis and then your friends find out that you have MS and slowly but surely over the years all my friends have gone Vanished because I have this illness multiple sclerosis so you lose all your friends and then you start losing members of your family Who find it a bit difficult to even look at you? You know my mother I didn't speak to her for what ten years. I didn't go to her funeral
adopted and really screwed up
You know that MS caused all sorts of issues with my mother's well with my mother's because I was adopted and Also my brothers sisters half brothers half sisters, etc Nobody wanted to know me because I had multiple sclerosis So there I am with Albertine my son my daughter and a few other members of the family Albertine's parents and Yes, they're about the only people who stood by me throughout all these years without ever wavering and Yes That is what I mean friends don't come very easily, but when you do get a friend They will be good friends because if they can understand what you're going through You've got a good one there. I can tell you But from what I found, only people with MS or a chronic illness can understand what you're going through and understand mentally, physically how it actually works.
understanding
A lot of other people just do not understand and they think that we're putting all this crap on. Well, no we're not. Try living 10 minutes in my shoes and see how you feel. See how you feel after debilitating days of pain, spasms, mind fucks, yeah, you just wouldn't understand and people out there need to realise we are human and we have feelings as well. Yet people just shove us aside. Like me when you're in a wheelchair, people just seem to talk to the person you're with. Even in the doctor's surgery with the doctor are not me, which I find totally fucking perverse. You know, and it's not fun having MS and it's not fun being disabled full stop. You get treated totally different. You get treated like you're a fucking pariah in society and it's just not fair. Well, my brain fog has now kicked in and I have done a bit too much thinking, so I must finish this here.
So I send everybody peace healing, love and light, and maybe one day I'll be able to go deeper into the subject. I thought I would be able to this morning, but I just can't cope with it with my head. So take care everybody.
Warlock Dark
Chronic illness survivor, truth-teller, occasional bastard. From My Living Hell (For those who came here by accident: yes, my living hell is real. And yes, we still fight. Every shitty day. With defiance.)
☣ This Is Not A Blog About MS
This Is My Life With MS ☣
